Kathirundavan Pondattiya...Nethu Vandavan-Part.1 (aka. The Wife-Exchange Part-1)

(Disclaimer: I wish I could say that this was a true story, but I cant in all conscience, so this is purely a work of fiction and all the characters and their dialogues are purely imaginary).

Karthick called me up after a long time and said he wanted to meet up to discuss a trip. “A trip?” I asked him “Where to? And what for?” he asked me excitedly “You do remember my cousin brother Nitin? Our senior at college? He is getting engaged at Pondicherry this Saturday and the girls side are planning a big bash north indian style, including a sangeet ceremony” I thought I hadn’t heard that right “A what ceremony?” I asked astonished for karthick's family was ultra, ultra orthodox, or that was what he always told us whenever he monopolized the chicken drumsticks from KFC – bought on common collection funds as side-dish for all night study sessions in the hostel. “A San-Geet ceremony” Karthick explained emphasizing the syllables “supposedly all the women from the girls side get together and dance and sing for us men from the grooms side” and I had a sudden vivid mental picture “and end up stripping?” I asked hopefully “Hell no” karthick answered “no such luck, dude – they just dance and entertain us” I asked half-hopefully again “Are we at least allowed to throw money at them?” “I don’t think so” said Karthick “although you are welcome to try” and he went on “so are you in or not? Mama and Manmadhan are coming too and it’s been ages since I met you guys- we haven’t met up in person ever since I returned from Australia” I was suddenly very enthused “The old gang back together, once again uh? That would be fun. Ok, Pondy here we come, Road trip, Road trip....Count me in dude, I will be at your house early morning Saturday,” I said and cut the connection. 

So, I am going to meet Karthick, after a lapse of almost two years, ever since he returned from Australia, though we had been in touch over the phone, and he had recently developed a distressing habit of mentioning after every few words “You know in Australia”...which really was uncalled for. The reason Karthick had gone to Australia was -to study -what his dad called “the newest advanced technique called Uro-gynecology or Uro-genital problems for women”; what he himself said was “Because his HOD madam here had promised that the only way he could ever pass the course was over her dead body and he didn’t want to kill her just yet” and what the grapevine said was because of “A sexy student counselor called Rebecca in the Australian Consulate in Chennai who had the skills to convince the hopefuls to become full-fee paying students of any obscure one-kangaroo/two-emu Australian institute”. Anyway I sincerely hoped that Karthick had at least finished this course without driving his profs to murderous rage (kola-veri, anyone?).

 The other two characters should also be introduced here before proceeding further. Manmadhan as he was affectionately named by the students was our dear friend Pradeep. He wasn’t actually a romantic Romeo as the name suggests, but more of a hide behind the pillar and sneak some looks type. But unfortunately, word had got around college that whichever girl he tried to sneak a look at from behind a pillar, either got engaged or married as soon as his gaze fell on her- the Manmadha-Paarvai as the saying goes and ended up in his getting the sobriquet “Manmadhan”. This rumor made Pradeep very popular among all the unmarried girls, who purposefully kept walking up his way. 

The other character we called by the nickname Mama is an important personage who needs a bit more of a back story. A little older than all the other students when he entered college he was already married and had a child – which fact he successfully concealed from the entire college and passed himself off as a a bachelor and was having quite the fun, when in the third year his wife and child suddenly turned up at the college to surprise him and which turned out to be a bigger surprise to all of us in the college - especially the girl he had been dating on the sly all this time. Anyway the reason he was called Mama was because he was considered an unofficial Purohithar for all the guys who were planning to propose to their dream girls, for Rajgopal, that being his original name, could accurately predict when a girl would most be susceptible to saying yes. He claimed he did this on a basis of scientific facts, study of body language and human psychology and so the whole college believed him to have a very high success rate in his predictions and hence the title “Mama” was awarded him by universal acclaim.

Online Friendships..

 

Online Friendships..

Every time I get to around 150 people on my face-book profile, my fingers start itching to delete (unfriend) a few. I usually do this to those who having once friend’ed me, think their part in the relationship is over and disappear somewhere leaving the ghost of their profile picture on my friends list for aeons together. I usually have a pretty short memory of my online friends and if someone has not interacted with me at least in the last six months- off they go..chop, chop. Hello, new friends.

Un-friending People:

There is a scientific basis behind why I am doing this to. I once read something about this a long time ago on New Scientist and its stuck with me ever since- that you usually do not possess 150 friends in real life and you simple cannot keep up with more than that number on a daily basis even if online, which when I read it seemed an eminently sensible advice. The brain simply cannot process or remember more than that number of friends even if you are a MENSA champ... Or Viswanathan Anand. 

A large Friends list:

I have seen lots of people who boast about the huge number of friends lists they have online and how people follow every word they utter (or type, as the case may be). But according to me, these people usually have either something to sell to their friends/followers or they are filled with complexes (and narcissism) and look for validation online by posting photo, statuses or even blog publicizing (under the guise of short stories… Ring a bell anyone?) every day. Every single like by a groupie or even a stranger (Oh My God...you look soo beautiful di/ machan your muscles look awesome) is like shooting heroin up the nose for these people. They live literally for that kick.

What I Expect:

 I try to think that I am different from the above group because friendship to me, means much more than just sharing an occasional photo of your offspring on the wall and waiting for everyone to like or comment “Cho Chweet”...Even if you do log on the ‘net occasionally I expect my friends to post a hi or a hug on my wall (and I am not saying no to kisses, ladies please note). My friend while explaining the premise of face-book to me suggested it’s there to connect with long lost friends- a sort of pseudo-alumni network. But once again connected, after a long absence, why do long lost friends keep staying lost? Why not share/comment/joke on a daily basis and meet up as much as time permits. That’s my idea of friendship- not merely looking at others picture albums. Hence the regular pruning of friends list every time I breach that magical number of 150 to get rid of dead wood.

But what I Get:

Which lead me directly to the next point. How to add new friends on Fb? When I first started my face-book page (after migrating from doomed Orkut), I had a very strict policy of adding only people I had met and known in real life as friends - to avoid the psychos, creeps and assorted serial-killers who troll the net. And another iron-clad rule of mine was never to send a friend request, but only to accept (or not) those who requested me. I soon realized the foolishness of this piece of self-worship and deleted that rule which was restricting me- to add people of all countries/genders who I felt reflected a certain mindset in empathy with mine. This made for cozy group discussions but which I felt constrained me from hearing alternative viewpoints and hindered my development. I came out of my comfort zone, added new (and risky friends) who occasionally kicked my butt online- but it was worth it. My life and my views was richer compared to when I was just hanging out with my homies. I even sent in friend request to girls with goo looking profile pics (oh! How the mighty have fallen) But I still retain my little suspicious mind when it comes to newly added friends unless and until they prove themselves conclusively to be real people and not fake ids.

On Online Crushes:

So what are the criteria to determine fake id’s? Is there any fool proof method? I know not- maybe you can share if you know one. Which brings me to my next point- online crushes- a knockout profile pic, a few likes and comments, a few words exchanged on face-book messenger and you are well on the way to a secret (and strong) desire to get closer to that new person on the scene- your awesome new FB friend, for whose every comment and post you log on multiple times a day, scrutinize every bit of their timeline with the care given to PhD theses’ etc. If you reflect calmly, without those raging hormones (singing soft notes in your ears) won’t you find this approach misguided? How do you determine – just based on Timeline that they are really deserving of your admiration? That their achievements are real and not some trash copied off someone else’s CV.? Some soul searching could be required on this matter before you fall head over heels in online love, only to see that the next cover photo from the dream friend is an engagement/wedding snap- which will snap you back to reality pretty soon. 

On Celebrity Following:

As someone once told me- an achiever is famous for achieving something while a celebrity is famous for just being someone. I find a lot of people adding celebrity’s to their friends list without again verifying that they are adding the right person or a fake celebrity profile. The newspapers are full of stories about these kinds of scams, so I don’t have much to add to this. So beware these fakes if you don’t want to end up as a viral video on you-tube.

Your Friends are who you are:

The choices people make about who to invite into their lives are some of the most important choices we make on a long term basis and hence we need to make sure to choose them for the right reasons. Disposable friendships help you pass the time when you are bored out of your skull, but they offer very little value in real life. If real friendships are rare to find in real life then think how much more rare they would be online. Can you think of any one of your online friends whom you can say with confidence is a 3AM friend? Someone you can pick the phone and just call (with no apologies for disturbing) at any time of the day or night and be sure that they will pick up and answer you? If you do say “Yes” to that question, you are indeed lucky. For the rest of us unfortunate mortals, it takes time to develop trust and then, only then, that real friendship blossoms. And of course, getting your heart broken a few times along the course is par for the course too. 

So if you take care to develop friendship slowly, it’s going to last longer, rather than those heedless, best buddies in two days, types. So here’s to friends- both on and offline.

  (P.s.Pics courtesy Google Images)

Help Available For The Asking

This post was a direct result of reading a fellow-blogger Sindhuja’s Post on transitions in life here: http://chaoticm.blogspot.in/2012/05/transitions.html

Sindhuja is blogging about the fag end of her college life, just before her farewell party and talks about how hard it is for her to leave college and the fear she has for her future. Something which will strike a chord with every one of us. Is there anyone of us who has not gone through these same universal fears and doubts? Right from the time we left our warm and safe mother’s womb for a hostile life outside we have been taking risks and surviving. We learned to crawl and then we left the safety of our balanced hugging of the floor to get up and sway on two legs, un-balanced and then to walk. Every time we walk or run remember that if you can accomplish that with absolutely no prior experience or guidance, then you can accomplish anything else that life throws at you.

Sinduja also discusses her doubts about her career and future path. Hey, ask me about it if you want to talk to someone who was totally confused about career and life. When they sent me out of that college with a paper in my hand certifying me competent enough to treat patients I was petrified with fear. Did they really think I could do it alone? What were they smoking? And who was going to save the patients from me? These and other doubts plagued me initially before I realized that if I had to learn to swim I had to take the plunge. There was no other option left- if I wasn’t going to waste 5 years of hard work. I plunged into the deep end of the pool and today I can hold my own among some of the best swimmers in the business. But remember however far you come the work is never done. Success is not a linear experience, you will be made to take little twists, turns and by-ways (take diversion, anyone?). But as long as you are travelling in the overall direction you want to go you will eventually get there someday. I have been plagued by all the doubts that Sinduja professes and I have to an extent, successfully conquered them. And I have written this to tell her (and others) about it- that she is not alone with these doubts. She is neither the first nor the last person to fear for her future. But hey, half the fun is in not knowing what the morrow might bring. It’s what makes you jump out of the bed to find out what the day brings newly to you. 

I realized this most poignantly when I was volunteering with a suicide prevention counseling center, manning the phones to talk to students mainly, as the center personal felt that I was not competent enough to counsel people with marital problems who were suicidal. So I got the kids, the students who considered that failure in an exam, one exam, as the greatest tragedy in the universe, an event which cannot ever be redeemed in this lifetime. They were ready to throw it all away for a few lousy marks and it was my job to convince them in a few minutes of the utter stupidity of their decision, regardless of my empathy for them and their situation. I ended up having one of the highest success rates of the volunteers simply because I told every student caller that I too was a failure in exams and that hadn’t destroyed my life, on the contrary I was living it up now. It wasn’t the truth, but hey what’s a little white lie when it is a question of saving lives. That little statement – that no failure is permanent and that we always get a second chance in life, helped me save more lives than any other trained psychiatrist or counselor with that NGO. I also reminded them that they had made the brave decision of asking for help first. And that they need to figure out why (or if) they might be blaming the world for something that isn't the world's fault. And if you can break it then you can also fix it, was my oft-repeated piece of advice for them.

And if there is one thing I cannot stress enough to my friends (slapping my forehead in frustration) is when you need it or want it- just ask for help. Believe me, I know that asking for help is sometimes tough when either our pride or what goes for self-esteem inside us absolutely forbids sharing our situation or problems or even just our loneliness with others. I have been there and felt like that and I have kept my problems to myself – brooding over them in silence and bitterness. But then I have also opened up myself- to some of the least likeliest persons to do so (it seemed then) and I was astonished by the amount of understanding and insight they possessed in my specialized areas of misery and at the least with the enormous amount of sympathy they passed on to me. I have been truly enriched by those experiences and felt connected with the universe on such times. It’s hard to explain with my rudimentary understanding of sub-atomic physics but as quantum physics at the sub-atomic level tells us – we are all connected by quarks and muons to one another and to the entire known universe. You are not alone. If there is just one take home message from this post this is it.

There is nothing unique about you or me. And likewise there is nothing unique about what happens to you or what you are going through throughout history millions of people have gone through pretty similar experiences and they survived it by sometimes hard work and sometimes blind luck. But they survived and so can you. It’s especially easier to do so nowadays in this interconnected world of ours – where people are just a click away- than in the past millennia where you had to travel to even talk to another person. So call, chat, talk, message...But connect with others- don’t sever yourself away and don’t mourn in private. You never know when an epiphany will strike you- when the seemingly impossible odds will dwindle into merely manageable.  And by chance, every now and then, you will experience a new kind of focus that brings it all together and makes you realize what you're doing and why. Something which will bring that sense of purpose back into the light and let you see your own way out of whatever afflicts you.

So hesitate not, ask. Somehow, from somewhere the universe will bring you your answer. Have faith. 

(p.s.. The Ad Logo in the picture says it all- you have to be ready to face life’s many challenges’ to win)