How To Release A Tamil Film- A Step-By-Step
Primer
Our film making starts at Chennai’s
Burma Bazar to get a DVD of any Hollywood film -an international spy thriller
like True Lies for instance. And you have the story ready for a kick-ass action
film to be made in tamil. But Hollywood movies as such have lots of
disadvantages- a lack of music, songs and dance which makes an even average
storyline a mega grosser. So that’s our next step.
Again go to Ritchie Street and get
the DVD copy of the Bollywood rip-off of the same movie with a catchy hindi
title like “Ektha Tiger”. Repeated viewings helps you to localise content for
native audiences- like for instance how many songs you need to add and where to
insert the songs in the movie- before the fight/after the fight or in the middle
of the fight.
Now take your screenplay to a
comedy writer like crazy mohan and ask him to add some comedy scenes with fast
moving give and take lines. Alternately you can
include some double meaning jokes involving female body parts and sexual
innuendos and call it humor.
To add punch to the script,
sprinkle a few punch-dialogues here and there like: you can ban me, but you
cannot ban my fan. One blow from me and you will remember your past lives.
Whoever beats you that your head turns and you faint, that is me.
Etc....depending on your creativity and how far you want to punch with
dialogues.
If the script still seems to lack
that extra something- go to a previously popular, now out-of-market actress and book for a raunchy
“Item” song. Extra rates depending on amount of cleavage showing and playing
with belly buttons.
Now script is ready and its time
to go for casting. Go to Mumbai and select a Rajasthani/Punjabi kudi with a
fair complexion. Make her wear a traditional tamilian half sari and pass her
off as a typical tamil village belle. Except for dream songs, where she can
frolic in beach wear/bikini and justify her signing amount.
Hero can be of any age, height or
colour (as long as he bears the production expenses) and he will wear checked
shirts and torn jeans and go to college (always) carrying a single 80pages
notebook all through college life. The hero's friend’s gang will be of an
average age of 60+ but still be college students also.
Make hero rag, eave tease, harass
the heroine continuously until she declares her love for him in front of the
whole college including the principal who will suddenly start clapping and talk
about his unfulfilled love for a female lecturer. Have group dance of all
college students of all departments and sections- united by love. Give
break/interval for first half.
Shoot half the movie – typically
the second half of the movie in picturesque locales Namibia, China, New Zealand
and show it as a typical Tamil village with huts and bullock carts and caste
fights with sickles. Have blood soaked climax where hero and heroine gaze into
each other’s eyes after finishing off the villains- typically all adult
males/rest of the village.
Lean back and enjoy the massive
success of a super hit film.
Oh wait, you are asking why I said
how to release a movie and didn’t say anything about releasing?
Come on, once you sell the movie
for a mega price- all areas A,B,C- to distributors – its their headache to
release the movie. Unless you are greedy enough to retain the distribution for
yourself- in that case you are nuts and totally screwed.
Post Script: Three months later
announce you are going to remake this in Hindi, Telugu, Malayalam, Kannada,
Bhojpuri and watch as your producer urgently releases (overnight) the dubbed version
of the movie in all languages. Complain about your copyright infringement and
intellectual property theft in all TV channels and demand
protection/compensation. Also announce that you are working on an international
collaboration of the same movie in Hollywood starring Sean Connery or Harrison
Ford as the college student/hero. Have your name trend as a meme online with
the hash tag #indias only international class film maker. Laugh all the way to
the bank.
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