My Greatest Hits….Disastrous Proposals

My Greatest Hits….Disastrous Proposals.

When I talk about my Greatest Hits, please hold on before you think that I am a kind of star musician or performer talking about the greatest hits from his repertoire. For your information let me clarify that the hits I am talking about here are hits in a literal sense. Yes you got that right- I am talking about the number of times I have been left holding the bulb (an idiom from Tamil courtesy comedian goundamani) and been humiliated in both public and private whoever I proposed to a girl. So just for illustration purposes (I am great believer in show and tell technique) shall we take a close look at what happened the last time I tried to propose to a girl?

After much careful thought and after a deep examination of my heart I finally decided I am in love with this girl and wanted to tell it to her in person after taking her to watch a romantic movie and getting her in that receptive mood to accept my proposal - perfect planning right?.

So this is what happened when I tried to express my love like a Jane Austen character (proud Mr. Darcy) and say to my current crush the following words

But this is how I finally ended up expressing it – as awkwardly as possible.

So there I go, booking a nice romantic movie for my current crush, followed by an intimate romantic dinner where I am looking forward to propose and then what do I do?

I end up concentrating more on the food than on the girl and end up completely forgetting to propose till I say good bye and am on my way home when I suddenly remember “oh shit….damn, damn, damn, I got a brain freeze”

And then when I am with my crush I gaze lovingly at her face- cant tear my eyes off her and she goes and asks this

Seriously can you believe this of me…am I not still a child at heart?

So I finally get home ruing the missed chance and in an effort to make amends and try to do the right thing at least before the day is over and she goes off to sleep- I pick up the phone and try to call her and propose but what happens? My luck holds and she doesn’t pick up the phone at all

  

After spending the next half hour calling her repeatedly, and wondering where she went off to after she left me and then when the call finally connects and I hurriedly start explaining how much I love her and why I feel I deserve her, she goes like

And I am absolutely fazed like

So after this latest episode of getting my hopes crushed I understand that when it comes to love- love and me- we never mix- I am always getting hit like

And my brain keeps telling me this but does the stupid heart listen?

And so when I finally post this whole story on my blog (on Facebook and on twitter) - I am like

So from henceforth I am going to be like

So till now I have been thinking that I am like Joey Tribiani from Friends saying “how ya doing?” and hitting on women effortlessly

And now realize I am like Ross Geller- the one with ALL failed relationships and multiple divorces and who ends up his life being single despite being a good guy.

 And that is my sorry saga told in a palatable way….now go away and leave me alone

That Sphinx factor

That Sphinx factor

You know what they say about men never “get”ing women?  Lately I am finding it’s the cent per cent truth- atleat wher I am concerned. I am finding it far more difficult to understand what women mean when they speak or send me a message on chat or even when they just stay silent than say that I am in understanding how the big bang theory is reconcoled with the unified string theory. The older I grow the more convinced I am that I just don’t get women- no not at all- even after knowing someone for ages. I keep making blunders in conversations and chats and the only way I realize I have tripped up is when I see that little ticked arrow which shows – last seen at but not replied thingie. Lately I I keep thinking all the time “What is this girl saying? Why doesn’t she come out- right out and say it in simple english?” and then I realize its probably lost in translation- maybe she is saying it out loud- but I am tone deaf to her voice and the fault is in me. Or maybe not. Its all quite confusing.

The thing is, I don’t mean that I want to decipher the secret language of women or anything like that – that would be far beyond my limited mental capacity. I simply want to understand what it’s like to BE her as a person- to get to know her likes and dislikes and maybe even her moods (over the longterm). The fact that women end up being so remote and mysterious from us humble men makes us forget that they too are fellow human beings and have the same set of problems we face too on a daily basis. Women are probably afraid, scared, anxious, worried, depressed and go through all those emotional turmoils from time to time just like we do and in the end all they desire is to find happiness and avoid pain like all human beings do. That I get. But what I cant get is why they cant just come out and tell this straight out- instead of leaving me to blunder about blindly and trying to second guess what they mean with all their silences and smileys and emoticons and hmmm, hmmm’s.

I understand that women have their own feelings, thoughts and opinions which they are disinclined to share to anyone but themsleves but it boils down to trust . Trusting someone and sharing your thoughts with them may make the average women uncomfortable because of their vulnerability but if you want us to get you- you should consider doing this. Accept it from me that men are short sighted and cant really think long term.  If you want us to understand you- do please come forward and spell it out to us in single syllables – anything else is beyond our EQ levels. So do take pity on us poor men and say it out loud- in 3 feet words. Please. Pretty please.

Déjà- You? Based On A True Story.

Déjà- You? Based On A True Story.

And so this happened a few minutes ago.

Standing alone at one (hidden) corner of a rocking anniversary party of a famous institution, my seventh sense alerts me to someone else standing alone in an opposite corner. The sight of a well endowed backside encased in a tight and short mini skirt drags me over almost involuntarily and so I sidle up there to strike up a conversation. And as she turns over to face me, it’s a déjà vu moment…

Me: Hi, you look familiar. Have I dated you before?

She: Uh, no…I am a famous actress. My name is Ca….....

Me: Really? Famous uh? Sorry I don’t remember you …

And I carefully sidle out of there.

P.S. If it looks like an ex, talks like an ex, it probably is an ex and a sign for you to make a fast ex-it….

End of story

Moral of the story:  If you keep dating enough women, you are bound to forget one or two as time passes and start asking them out again. Its just age related senility and loss of memory- no insult meant to the ladies.

Compromise Is Not a Dirty Word

Compromise Is Not a Dirty Word, is it?

Last night I was chatting with a young friend - a facebook friend who is a final year student in an engineering college and we were discussing her life after college. Somehow the talk accidentally veered around to romance (I swear I didn’t bring it up) and she was explaining in length about the kind of guy she wanted in her life. I confess that I did find it a bit amusing to hear her list out her requirements of an ideal man and it was long list too. But that’s not what this post is about. It’s about what she said at the fag end of our chat when she mentioned that despite her long list of requirements she was willing to be flexible and give them all up if she found the right person -even if he didn’t tick all the boxes on her checklist. And that’s what got me thinking that this topic deserves a whole blog-post.

I generally get to meet a lot of people my age who keep talking about their conditions and their requirements and their necessities but rarely do they even think about how others might have similar requirements and how most of the time the two wont sync. Especially my single friends who have inflexible requirements for their prospective boyfriends and girlfriends and rarely or almost never do they compromise on their conditions. They justify their uncompromising stances on the theory that "why should I compromise? I deserve everything I desire and more".

But my point of view is that our achievements and qualities are all relative - what we think of as our crowning glory might not necessarily be on the top of the list of someone else. They might not value what we value. We should take a realistic look at our assets from others point of view too- that will help us decide if we really are all that we think ourselves to be. Most of the time we fool ourselves about our real worth to others. We have an inflated sense of our own importance and achievements and rarely do we benchmark ourselves honestly with other similar achievers. Honesty is the single most valuable ingredient when it comes to self-appraisal and for that reason rarely indulged in.

Having an inflated sense of self-worth is the leading cause of demanding all these inflexible conditions. Men who look to get super models as their girlfriends never ask themselves if they are fit enough to sustain such a relationship. Women who drool over handsome guys never realize that their dream boys spend more on cosmetics for a month than they do for a year. It’s all hidden behind the facade of an illusion. And what seems a perfect fit for your requirements is in reality just a hollow shell when you get to know the real self.

And that’s why compromise should not be a dirty word in   anyone’s dictionary. Being inflexible and holding out for what you deserve is all well and good if you are lucky enough to get it- which very few are. But for most of us normal human beings it’s better to be a little flexible and adjusting when it comes to the non-essentials if we are indeed looking for a happy life instead of just feeding our ego. Adjusting to alternatives and compromising on conditions is the wisest way to go when it comes to relationships.

And god forbid, when and if, true love happens, when you look into the eyes of someone and feel an instant deep connect and you know that she or he is the right person for you and to then reject them because they don’t fit your requirements is a sign of madness. No compromise is greater than true love when you meet your soul mate. Using your brain instead of your heart (when your heart truly knows) is the highest form of egoism and stupidity and destined for a sad and lonely ending to your life.

So to conclude this post, let’s all follow the example of my friend who despite being just a young kid showed me that she is far more clever and mature than many of us, including me. When the right person comes along let’s tear that list up and just go with our hearts. So what do you say? Do you agree with me? Or not?

That Mandatory Valentines Rant.

That Mandatory Valentines Rant.

Its yet another Valentines day come again and as per socially-sanctioned norms, not that I have ever followed such norms assiduously- the day requires the mandatory valentines blogpost on love and relationships and what not. As it’s been a while since i wrote here on my love life (non-existent though it may be) let me jump onto the bandwagon too and write an update on my relationship status. You know whenever i write a blog-post which contains my most intimate and private thoughts I usually write it like no one is reading me, which I believe is the real case too (no one reads me at all sob, sob).....so assuming that by some kind of mistake you got lost somewhere and ended up here reading this, well then, -think, reflect and decide if you want to read pages and pages of a long, boring, rant or just take my advice and leave right now to do something more interesting with your time. If on the other hand you decide to stick around and see it through to the end - i applaud your bravery and I only hope you won’t curse me for wasting your time when you reach the end of this rant. Just remember- the choice is yours. So go on then and read the rest.

The other day i was at a CME program- a Continuing Medical Education is, if you dont know it, a kind of lecture where people remind you (again and again) of all the things you once skipped over in class because you them found boring as hell. The only worthwhile part of a CME is usually the post lecture party -a party for nerds where people from the profession get together and jaw, jaw about what the current state of the profession is and how much each one is making. The average conversation is usually as interesting as watching paint dry that you tend to let down your guard in such nerdy company and quite unfortunately, fate takes that moment to kick you wham right in the balls and before you know it you get asked the hardest kind of question there is and you are floundering for the right answer, yet again. 

Now, the hardest question to answer, for me, is the one which goes like “hi, do you remember me?” The second hardest goes like “Come on, we met at Goa/Bombay/Mahabs etc in so-and-so year at so-an-so event where we partied together all night.  But you never called me back after that.  Why?” That "Why" is a kick-ass question to dodge.  Because the answer to the second question is intimately connected to the first and the unsaid answer truthfully goes something like this "I didn’t call you back because I forgot all about you. And the reason I forgot all about you was nothing memorable happened during that night- enough for me to make that call the next day. The truth is there was no real connection between us except for my being drunk and having lust filled thoughts which made me sidle up to you and start flirting. When i sobered up the next day, i felt like a fool and wisely decided to write the episode down to a learning experience. And now that you have reminded me again i cringe to realize what an idiot i was that day".  Of course, I can’t or won’t say all this directly to my questioner, even I am not such a fool, but will give the standard "i changed my mobile/broke my mobile, lost all my contact numbers" routine to escape unscathed from there. 

Now if you read the above para and mistakenly assume that i am some kind of rake who was just looking to have a good time you can’t be far from the truth - i am not such a player, i am more sinned against than a sinner. Every crush I have had was always with the hope of it being the love of my life (finally) what the poets call "an experience to end all experiences". Its that kind of love i am looking for and not just marriage which I believe is inevitable in everyone’s life. But what I really, really crave is a mind-blowing love, the kind of overarching love which obliterates everything which came before it. But sad to say that i haven't even stumbled upon such a thing, even accidentally till now. 

One thing about having crushes is when you think back on them with the passage of time you can see that they were merely relationships of convenience, relationships of proximity- you two were either in the same class or same job or thrown together constantly and friendship was mistaken for love because it was so much easier to talk with shared interests. That is not real love- I knew it in the deeper recesses of my heart and whatever you say of me you can say one thing- I am an honest man.  So whenever i realized that what I had was just a comfort level masquerading as love, I didn’t have it in me to continue to pretend  and so i told them the truth- maybe I could have told it in a more diplomatic way hindsight often teaches you important lessons. But i did tell them as soon as possible which is one thing I am proud of. 

Which is why i have been holding out for so long from marrying the wrong person merely to complete my quota for family life and get on with it as others advice. me to do. Truth to tell getting married is not that hard personally -i need to just close my eyes put a finger on one of the numerous brides bio-data’s lying around the house and be married in a month or so- to someone I don’t love and in the best case scenario – am indifferent to . But won’t that be cruelty to the other person. If I don’t love someone what business do I have marrying them? Simply for convenience sake? For sex? For offspring to pass on the genes to? Sorry none of those reason appeal to me. They are – agree with me or not- dishonest reasons to marry. 

I deeply believe that a marriage is not honest if it does not involve real and deep-felt love. Simply marrying for marriage sake- as so many advices me to do day in and day out- no, that’s not me at all. I would rather be alone than hitch myself to someone I don’t love. I see you shaking your head and asking me to be practical- but yes, being practical is what 99% of our earth’s population do, I agree. But those practical people never achieve anything ground-breaking in their lives. Edison was not practical when he experimented again and again before he made a single light bulb. Watson and Crick were not practical when they disregarded everyone’s advise to propose  a helical model for the gene. Pasteur was not practical when he decided to experiment with an untested vaccine on a young boy bitten by a rabid dog. None of them took the sane, practical route- but they changed history by sticking to their guns and believing in themselves didnt they?

And closer to home, I certainly was not practical when I disregarded my parent’s advice not to apply for the medical field- being born in a so-called forward community- there was no chance of me ever getting enough marks to qualify for a merit seat was what I was told repeatedly. I didn’t listen but came out second in the entire state and made sure that i will not be turned away simply for belonging to the wrong community. Again I was told to be practical and not resign my job at a private hospital and try for a government job- because practical people told me I had no chance in hell of getting one given that i am from the forward community. But I aced that exam too and they had no option except to take me in. So, if you get to ever read my autobiography you would see that every step of the way, every decision of my life – I have fought against the practical decision, have gone against the grain and attempted the impossible with nothing but faith in my own ability. Again and Again. All my life. To see from where I came and where I am right now gives me the confidence to believe I will succeed in this too. In finding the right kind of love. And of course with that right kind of love, with the right person, a wedding would be the most natural progression

So if you are still with me, here is my final answer to all those questions about when i am getting married, i will when i find the right person. And if i never find the right person, maybe i never will. The future is not writ in stone, its more fluid, let’s leave it at that shall we?