Operation Cobra-Gate - We Investigate.......

Operation Cobra-Gate -We Investigate

And in an alternate world in an alternate universe, in an unnamed foreign country, in an unnamed city, in an unnamed building, in a decrepit office, two anonymous men talk to each other early in the morning...this is the highlights of the conversation recorded by our intrepid reporter:

Good morning Chief, can I talk to you for a minute?

Ah yes, come in, come in and take a seat

Chief did you read my report?

Uh, yes, I did, interesting premise, very interesting...

And? do you agree with my conclusions chief? Can we operationalize it?

Well, i have not taken a firm decision yet, have to think about all the ramifications of it, it’s a big decision to take you know, so why don’t you walk me through it one more time?

Well, ok chief, it’s a very simple plan, you know we have this agent called Snake right?

She is a "double" isn’t she?

Yes chief, a double agent- they sent her over and we turned her to us.

I have seen her "take" and to be frank i am not impressed with what she gives us.

Well chief, to tell the truth she is pretty fair down the ladder right now and that is exactly what my idea is all about- to change her status, to give her a boot-up her career and make her useful to us.

But your idea is a bit risky boy- you want to provoke an international incident to promote our agent, but what if it blows up in our faces? And how sure are you that they will play along with us? What if they play smart? And just let it go?

Never chief, i may not be a psychologist but I do have a good read on that part of the world. They are weak and like all weak ones they are vain- with an exaggerated sense of importance to hide their lack of confidence. They merely pretend to aspire for the big table- they know they don’t actually belong there yet. I can guarantee they don’t have the sense to pick and choose their fights like all big boys do. They even make such stupid decisions emotionally that any politician just has to die before they elect his widow or son or daughter - no matter how undeserving.

Hahha...so you think this will definitely work?

Yes it will chief, we provoke them initially and then dial it back and stay cool and then they themselves do the rest of our work for us. Our agent gets promoted, put in a plum place and we reap all the intelligence benefits sitting here.

And our agent has been briefed? Will she play along?

Of course chief, the cavity-search was her refinement- we were just going to do the strip search. She is highly motivated to get that promotion.

Good for her. That is one smart lady.

Then it’s a "GO" chief?

Son you have convinced me, but you do realize that i have to take this upstairs to get final clearance?

Of course chief, but I don’t need to remind you to keep this top-secret right? This lady could help us a lot and i prefer no loose talk- not even to defend ourselves. Let’s play the bad guys with panache and wait for the windfall from our agent.

Son, you don’t have to teach me operational security - i was running agents worldwide when you were still in kindergarten. So, tell me, have you picked a code-word for this operation yet?

Chief, I thought up "Operation Cobra-Gate"

Hahhaaa...that is indeed funny, you have a fine sense of humor kid...you will go places and so will our double agent. Did i hear a noise somewhere? Go check outside the door, will you?

[And that’s when our intrepid reporter decided he had heard enough and made a quick exit from that place via the air conditioning vents....]

P.S. This is a work of fiction and the incidents, places and people written above are purely imaginary and not intended to hurt anyone.

But Where Is The Other Banana?

But Where Is The Other Banana?

Patient : “Doctor, doctor, look at my lips, this is all because of you, all because of the medicines you gave me, my lips are all ulcerated and painful” screamed the patient at me.

I took my time trying to process it all in but the early warning signs were clear- my life as I knew it till then was probably over. This patient was going to scream and create a scene, maybe even file a court case against me and some stupid judge who had probably been in a fight with his wife over breakfast will find me at fault and order a compensation amount enough to wipe me out and all this doomsday scenarios revolved around in my mind in the ten seconds after I heard that screaming voice before my training automatically took over and careful to keep a blank professional look on my face (hiding my inner terror) I commenced further enquiry.

Me: "Mrs.So-and-so...I don’t remember you, when was the last time I saw you? And for what? Do you have any prescription of mine? (Denial is the best offence right?)

Patient: “I didn’t bring the prescription because I lost it, but I came to you for an infection and you gave me two tablets to take morning and night for two days”

Me: “And when was this?”

Patient: “Oh, I don’t remember, around ten or fifteen days ago I think”

Me: “Was it ten? Or fifteen? How many days ago did you see me? Tell me correctly for its very important”

Patient: now in a milder voice- “Hmmm, I think two weeks ago, but I don’t know the exact date”

Me: “And I told you to take the tablets for two days, right? Did you take it?”

Patient: “Yes, of course, I took it for the two days”

Me:  “And I must have definitely told you to come back after two days, right? I tell all 

my patients to come back for a check-up without fail. Why didn’t you come back after two days?”

Patient: now in a definitely hesitant voice – “I was busy”

Me:- moving my voice up a notch “Busy? Busy? Very busy? What’s more important than your health?”

Patient: “But that is exactly why I couldn’t come doctor- I had severe fever- viral fever they diagnosed it- for ten days after that- and then I was admitted in so-and-so corporate hospital for ten days to treat the fever and was not discharged till three days ago and so I couldn’t come see you as you said- only now I am free to come see you”

Me: in an exaggeratedly patient voice – “Yes Madam and can you tell me when exactly these lip ulcerations developed? When you first saw them?”

Patient: in a wary-unwilling voice- “Two days ago, I think, but I definitely noticed them yesterday” 

Me: “Madam, are you aware that fevers, especially, severe fevers like viral fevers (with increased body temperatures) can cause lip eruptions all by themselves - especially if they are of Herpes simplex virus origin (which is a sexually transmitted disease by the way, so where have those lips been hey?) And also the drugs they must have given you for a ten day old severe fever could also have been strong enough to cause an allergic reaction to your lips?” 

I took a significant pause to wipe my specs and stare at her in my most intimidating professional “who-are-you-kidding” manner

Me: “So how do you connect the mild, probably vitamin tablets I gave you fifteen days ago for two days with the lip eruptions you developed yesterday? Can you think of any reason?”

Patient : “Oh, ah, but the hospital I was admitted in for the past ten days told me that my lip ulcers were not caused by them, they didn’t even listen to me doctor like you are doing, they just chased me away, saying it’s a very minor thing and they will give me an ointment for it to apply for one week and they asked me to leave and so I was confused and then I remembered you”

Me: and so you thought about whom to vent your anger on and decided poor old me was the person to scream at? You know what, I am happy you got what you deserved there- such a crappy response- from that big corporate hospital – “Madam, what they said was correct, no need to panic for such a small thing, I think that ointment they gave you is enough and your ulcers will soon heal if you apply it.”

Me: “And oh, no fees, please no fees, you are after-all an old patient” and I will never touch your goddamned money as this will be the last time I will ever see you, bitch.

And that’s how some of the patients are. They blame doctors for everything which goes wrong in their lives (even unconnected things) and remind me of that famous banana joke of comedians Senthil and Goundamani (You-tube link of comedy scene) in which when Goundamani asks where are the two bananas he paid for, he keeps getting the same answer from Senthil “but this is the other one” a perfect example on how to do a matter-of-fact pulling of the wool over the eyes when wide-awake.

And this is just to show that some patients have no qualms in ripping-off doctors and contrary to what the media keeps telling all the time it’s not fair to accuse doctors as being always wrong while patients are angels.

The Hobbit Part2- In 4-D - An Unexpected Visit

The Hobbit Part2- In 4-D - An Unexpected Visit

Last weekend I watched the movie- "The Hobbit Part 2- Desolation of Smaug" in a 4-D version. If you are your average 3-D movie go’er and haven’t ever seen a 4-D movie before allow me a moment to dance and caper in your face. Ok, gloating done, let me share my 4-D experience in detail, especially on how I ended up watching a new release on the second day itself. On Saturday I found myself with a little free time on hand- at the awkward time between noon and late noon when there is not much to do or see in the city. As I was on my way back home ready to do some serious TV watching, I happened to notice accidentally that the recently released film The Hobbit- 2 was running in my neighborhood theater Sangam.

Now for those who don’t know Sangam it’s an old theater (predating modern multiplexes) on Poonamalle High Road near the erstwhile Dasaprakash Restaurant (now turned into luxury apartments). It’s on my route back home and as I had a window seat on the bus I could see the hoarding with all the latest Tamil films running at the theatre and in one corner, the bottom right hand corner, there was a small, very small poster of The Hobbit.

Hold on, I thought is the hobbit running here? If so what would be the probable timing of the show? Will they have any show running now or will the fact that it is an English film (clearly not meant for the masses) would have consigned it into a late night show for the English film watching “hoi-polloi” crowds. Do I take a gamble to get off the bus at the next stop and walk back to the theatre to ask if they have a show right now or if it’s already begun or if they even have tickets or whether they were all sold out or should I keep going on the bus in my right comfortable seat till my stop came and I could watch the film next week after pre-booking a ticket? That’s the dilemma I had to resolve within the next one minute.

But hey, you know that I like to live life dangerously, so I abandoned my seat (in that crowded/standing space only bus) without a pang and jumped out at the Neyveli Lignite Corporation House bus-stop to walk back to Sangam theatre with a hope and a prayer. Being a Saturday the theater was overflowing with crowds and i hoped that I wasn’t too late for the show and end up missing a few opening scenes.

But at last I reached the ticket booking counter after and I asked for a ticket to The Hobbit and was told that only the front row tickets were available and was I sure I wanted one? What the heck after coming this far, I wasn’t going back empty handed was i? So I said yes, I would take any damned seat in theater if I could enjoy the movie on the opening weekend- for I am frankly sick of all the one-line film reviewers on social media who keep spoiling films for us- the average viewers who usually cannot catch any release in the first week.

Once inside the theatre seated in the very second row in front of the big screen with my 3-d glasses on I experienced the well you could say the experience of my lifetime (my young and youthful lifetime ok?) as the film begun on screen. It is a unique experience to watch a 3-d film when you are on the very edge of the screen. Unlike normal 3-d where the images just leap at you in front of you, the edge of screen experience means that the images often enfold you, immersing you inside them at times -like you were living inside a holographic projection.

There were scenes when I turned around to see if the hideous orcs were sitting right beside me (on my left hand seat there indeed was one) and it was an out-of the mind experience. I have never enjoyed 3-D in any theatre as much as I enjoyed the 4-D experience of the hobbit. At times I flinched when the arrows shot by the Elf Lord Legolas almost passed over me in the front seat to go hit the orcs seated behind me. When the were-wolves of the Orc chieftain Azog the Terrible jumped out of the screen i bent my head to let them overshoot me and pass behind. At one time i very nearly pulled out my magical sword and started stabbing and hacking the spiders all around me (I hate spiders btw) before I realized I was causing a mini riot in the theater and calmed down. 

For those of you who still have not watched the movie and don’t mind a few pointers here are my wiki-leaks. The movie starts from where it left off in the first part (logical right?) as the hobbits are being chased by the orc-hordes under Azog and they take refuge in the house of Beorn the Shape-shifter who takes the form of a humongous gigantic bear and protects them through the night from the chasing goblin hordes. Come morning the dwarfs and Bilbo flee into the relative safety of the large forest Mirkwood but which is now overrun by gigantic spiders (who knew spiders were soo loathsome on close up view?) which capture them and tie them up.

Bilbo as befits the hero of the tale frees the dwarfs from the spiders and takes them onwards deeper into the forest where they are next captured by the wood elves under their fearful lord Thranduil who says that all he wants is to be left alone without being disturbed by each and every passing traveler knocking on his front door. Bilbo again (with the help of his magical ring this time) frees the dwarfs from the elf prison and they escape through an underground river riding on empty barrels. The movie closely follows the book till this point.

In the second half the movie departs from the book version and expands into new territory which is surprisingly good. The dwarfs reach the newly re-built town of dale - the old one burnt by the dragon in the past and there they get the help of Baud the Bowman (spoiler alert) the future dragon-killer who helps them reach the slopes of the Lonely Mountain - the once-home of the dwarfs. After getting there it’s again the ingenuity of Bilbo which helps them find the back door into the mountain only visible on a full moon's light on Durin's day and as a reward Bilbo gets to go inside and find out if the dragon is still alive and kicking so to say.

Turns out the dragon Smaug is indeed more than alive and after some funny interludes with Bilbo (Seriously I don’t want to spoil your pleasure if you have still not seen the movie) the dragon and the dwarfs get into a fight over the ownership of the mountain and the pissed off dragon decides to go after an easier prey -the men of the floating city Dale at the foot of the mountain rather than fight with crusty old dwarfs who pour boiling gold on it, coating it and turning it into a golden dragon for a brief while. The rest as they is - for the next part- part 3. 

To say I enjoyed this movie would be an understatement- I really, really enjoyed the movie- despite my initial misgivings. For when i went inside the theater I did not know whether I would be watching the movie in the original English or a dubbed Tamil (the local language) version with all the characters speaking in local patois. Thankfully they screened the movie in English but with the addition of English subtitles (a first for me- watching an English movie with English subtitles) at the bottom of the screen which did not irritate me much as the movie sucked me into itself with nonstop action sequences. At one point i even enjoyed reading the translations of orc talk running at the bottom of the screen as subtitles- words like hmmfff, angg, faffff translated directly from Goblish into English.

The Graphics (CGI) was top class in the film and you can almost believe that there is a middle earth somewhere out there in the real world. The acting for the most part was top notch with the dragon Smaug a cinch for an Oscar award this year. All in all it was a totally enjoyable experience for all that it was unexpected. And finally- if you haven’t seen it yet- go immediately to watch. And book an extra ticket and call me- I wouldn't mind watching again with you.

P.S.- And in future if you want to enjoy a similar 4-D experience buy a front row ticket for a 3-d movie and watch it on a big screen - you'll love it.