Showing posts with label Weight Loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Weight Loss. Show all posts

Monday, September 9, 2013

Eat Shit And Lose Weight ?



Eat Shit, Lose Weight.

Believe me, I am not shitting you
                                                 
The internet serves a wholesome purpose in sharing a lot of vital and hard to get information to us in real time. Careful use of the net helps us to gain a lot of knowledge. But there are some real bloopers floating around the net in the name of science and it is actually hard to identify what’s real and what’s just plain old bull shit.

Talking of shit, reminds me of a rat shit thing I read just yesterday- a breaking news scientific paper on Science magazine which was being amped all over the internet- about how good bacteria from a thin persons stomach would cure obesity if given to a fat person. Intrigued, I went beyond the title and read the full article (as befitting my training as a BS deductor) only to see that it was a rat study and not a human study like the headlines subtly implied. The researchers had taken the fecal droppings (in plain words- rat shit) of a thin rat and fed it to a fat rat, an obese rat as they call it in the paper. This wholesome diet seems to have disagreed with the fat rat for on eating it he seems to have dropped a whole lot of weight which result the researchers immediately attributed to the beneficial effects of the shit, errr the bacteria in the shit from the thin rats stomach which must have shown the fat rats stomach bacteria how to digest the, errrr fat.

Anyway that’s what the researchers say inside the main body of the article unlike in the headlines where they scream in a bold font "New cure found for obesity". But personally I feel that though the result of the study is borderline believable, the reason for the weight loss might be something else entirely when you think about it. The fat rat that was being fed the fecal droppings of the thin rat must have developed an aversion to food and starved like our size zero models who just sniff at food when hungry. If you are a foodie of any sort, you can’t help but sympathize with that fat rat cant you?  I mean, made to eat something like that daily, is it any wonder he lost weight? And now as a follow up to the study, the researchers are planning to do human trials too.  Oh yeah, Eat shit (someone else's) and lose weight must be a very popular slogan to recruit people for the study. I can’t imagine a whole lot of people lining up to take that cure. Not even our desperate size zero models. They would rather starve wouldn’t they?  

Its a whole lot of crap, ain't it?
 
 Anyway the point of this post is to stress the point that medical news on the Internet is often highly hyped but factually incorrect. But a lot of people who see those screaming headlines go onto believe that the damn thing actually works. Very few take the time to read through the whole article to find out what it really says. Even if they do, they can’t understand the scientific jargon and the statistical magic tricks to make sense of the truth beyond the headlines. Besides most medical journals are pay-per-view only and never allow you to read the full thing- they just show you the sensational headlines and leave you to make your own interpretations. Often there is a very vast difference between what the title of an article says and what the real conclusion hidden inside the article says. And  even doctors find it difficult to interpret the real truth from the raw data included in the tables section like an afterthought- which is the only way to check whether a thing really works or the authors are just Bull S'ing you.

So even if the shit for food theory actually works, I don’t see much of a future for any shit-cure pills. What about you dear reader? Care to share your views? That is if you are still reading this post after all those shitty idioms I used above.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

For a “Purr-fect” Nude Look…..



For a “Purr-fect” Nude Look…..



"If you were me, would you go with the nude look?" she asked and I replied "oh honey, I go nude every single day".  Now if your overactive imagination is picturing me going about in a, well, in a state of undress, perish the thought. Cease, desist, and don’t think like that for a minute- for the nude we were talking about here refers to the face- a nude look sans any make-up for the face. Now if you are wondering what I have to do with makeup and such things, let me start the story from the beginning.

As part of a team of surgeons who do extreme make-over’s, I happened to treat an interesting patient recently. This particular patient was a 22 year old female and what’s more important, unmarried and looking to get married pretty soon. In quest of which marriage she had tried to look prettier by becoming thinner, even though she wasn’t very heavy looking to start with. But as they say, is there anything like being too thin or too wealthy?

This patient’s chosen method of rapid weight loss involved starvation, as she was hell bent on achieving a zero-size figure in time for her wedding. Unfortunately for her, she failed to realize that being thin does not necessarily translate into beautiful. There are lots of thin, ugly women walking around if you look, which is incredibly sexist and might bring me brickbats from the feminist brigades, but, hey it’s the truth, so sue me.

Anyway to get back to our patient this girl by binge dieting and extreme starvation became as thin as a stick and then having achieved her life's goal assumed that she had become beautiful. Imagine then the shock to her system when she realized that despite the weight loss she was basically what she always was, albeit a thinner version with a constantly hungry look in her eyes. And then when she realized her folly she did what she should have done in the beginning -approached the professionals.

Let me digress here a bit and offer some general advice- losing weight and becoming thin if done the proper way with exercise retains the muscle tone but losing weight with starvation makes you lose all fat beneath the skin- which pads out and fills up the skin and consequently the skins sags and hangs - giving you an aged appearance - unless you get a skin tuck done by a cosmetic surgeon (if you don’t believe me - check out any liposuction patient after all the fat's been sucked out- they look like the pug dog from the Hutch mobile advertisement- with loose rolls of skin hanging down). So, take my advice- walk, run or dance- but don’t starve.

And also, there is a general rule in plastic surgery that says "Soft tissue follows Hard Tissue" which translated from medical jargon means that the flesh follows the shape of the bone. So anything you do to the muscle and skin will not last long if it’s not in conformity with the bone beneath. If your jaw bones are long and protruding, however much you reshape your lip muscles, you will never have a pout till the bone beneath is also re-shaped and then the flesh above the bone will automatically adapt to the bone below and achieve the perfect shape we want.

So, after doing the very best we could to give her face an all-natural look- a few nips and tucks here and there, some bone grafts and some collagen/fibrin to bring the shape back to her face- we let her go home to heal. And she returned to us after the usual six weeks of healing to check up on her final results. As part of the hospital protocol- especially for extreme makeovers- and to guard against future litigation by disgruntled patients who are unable to bridge the gap between fantasy and the reality of their looks- the hospital has mandatory post- operative photographs for documentation (and as evidence for the legal team).

In any hospital which does cosmetic surgeries, there are specialists appointed for the purpose of getting patient photographs- photographers and make-up specialists. One of the tricks the photographer employs is to undershoot the pre-operative photos to highlight the post surgical effect- which is unnecessary in my opinion. And vice versa they go all out - overboard sometimes- in getting the post surgical photos- with heavy make-up and lighting effects- which is where the creative difference arose as I mentioned in my first para above.

As an end user and as someone from the team responsible for the actual result- I like to be involved in these photo shoots despite murmurings that I am a know-it-all poking my nose everywhere. I discount the murmurs as I feel that it’s only my insatiable curiosity to learn something new which drives me to hang about the patient photo shoots. Anyway, I always feel that the stark look which the photographers shoot for the pre- surgical pictures are way better than the heavily made up faces they shoot for the post-surgical photos. And hence I decided to get hands-on this time.



As I had been the one from the team who had coordinated the entire makeover for this particular patient and she trusted my judgment, I had to put my foot down for the look I wanted for this patient- a nude look. Now a nude look for those who don’t know much about make-up (which is me -before wikipedia) is a minimal make-up look- as far as possible approaching the natural face. Which is the very point of doing a cosmetic surgery- to make someone look beautiful even in the morning when they wake up sleepy faced.

The make-up team had an ingrained habit of applying make-up liberally but I convinced the patient that a nude look would show her the real results achieved and I sat down with the make-up team and was constantly giving them advice to restrict the amount they usually dab- something which almost drove them nuts, I think.

And the conversation during the photo-shoot went something like this:

Please put just a hint of concealer around the shadow areas of the nose and eyes. Now use that foundation sparingly and blend it in please. Yes, use that marble tone- that would suit this skin tone better. No, no blush please, please don’t, not over the cheek bones- we have accentuated it naturally with bone grafts- we don’t want to highlight it further. Ok, just a little hint of powder. Do you really want to make it soo glossy? Or do you think we can pat it down for a matte finish? What does the photographer feels- shall we ask him? Oh, ok, you would adjust the effect with the lights then?


Now for my signature look- add on the lipstick....MAC raspberry? No I prefer the Estee Lauder one- Coralline Red- here, this is the shade I was telling you about- apply it to her lips and see how the peachy shade makes the lips more inviting and perfectly complements the nude look of the face rather than the bright red raspberry you advice. Yeah, it’s not my province, I know, but hey, who better to admire a lipsticks effects than a man? We look at it from the consumer point of view, so trust me go with the coralline red- it will make your lips all peachy and delectable. What, you want me to apply it and show you the effect? Oh, just kidding me, were you? 



OK time to pose- be natural, don’t use all those patented poses like the photographer showed you pictures of-  be free to give us your own poses- we can always delete later on if we don’t like it. So mr.photographer, are we ready with the soft focus lights? And after you finish shooting the regular ones, I want a few grayscales for my own patient records- no I prefer grayscale without any hint of touch up- for my surgical notes. OK. Thank you all. Nice shoot. And I expect to see you again- next month- for your final check up. Bye.



And you walk away with the sense of a job well done having captured the prefect image you wanted, but then you are in for a surprise -for whatever effects you tried to achieve on the floor of the studio- the photographer who does the final post-processing uses his photoshop software to give  the pictures a uniform bland look like all those models with plastic faces you see on magazines- any sign of individuality in your shot composing is all lost by the time the picture is printed out and you grin and bear it and just add it the patient records and close the file.

Disclaimer : I am not recommending the nude look for everyone- every look should be decided by the individual’s skin tone and more importantly- by the occasion. I am also not recommending you go for a matt finish over a glossy finish or you apply highlights over the cheeks. I am also not recommending you try out coralline red lipstick. I am especially not endorsing any of the products named above. To each their own.

P.S. I would have loved to show you the pictures of the patient we shot as examples for what I am talking about -but medical ethics and doctor patient confidentiality forbids me from using them on social media. Only the hospital has the right to use those photos as part of their promotional campaigns and advertisements.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

My Weight Loss Secret- Revealed at last

Many people have over the past 3 years repeatedly questioned me about my amazing transformation from fat to fit- losing over 33 Kilos in a little over a year. And acieving enough cardio-vascular fitness that I'm now a regular at long distance sports meets and marathons....

Now, For the first time ever, (on National Television) I am going to Share the secret of my weight loss....So hold on - here it comes.....Its called, Ladies and Gentlemen....WILLPOWER...

Yes, you heard it right.. I lost all that weight with my mind...Of course, dieting helped and so did exercise- but first and foremost you really have to make up your own mind- accept that you are fat (when you look in the mirror) and avoid trying to find excuses - saying fat people do lead happy lives...take it from me, they dont.

I've been through it all - Binge-eating, serial dieting, blaming others...everything - before I found the courage to accept that it was I who was responsible and I Have to change..

Late at night, when everyone's asleep and you cant go to sleep with hunger pangs - because you are on a calorie-restriction diet...thats when your mind and will-power really need to be strong.

You give in to temptation and something tastes so good that you help yourself liberally to it and feel sick about it later - know you have gained back a few kilos that you reduced just last week....thats when you have to be strong, refuse to give into depression and go back to a starvation-diet till you get back to where you dropped off the wagon...Willpower helps.

So - the secret to weight loss is a strong mind and living like a monk avoiding all temptations as acts off the devil.....I've been on the fast-track path to sainthood for the past three years....

And of course, starvation helps. F**K those doctors/nutritionists and all those diet-advocates...just drink water and restrict yourself to just one meal a day..see how fast you slim down- and you wont die that easy - you are a product of 5 million years of evolution - your body was made to starve....and you'll lose weight even when you sleep.

So, drink water, plenty of water whenever you feel hungry...And be strong...

Good luck, with your weight loss.....

Friday, July 25, 2008

Oru Sada Dosai Masala Dosai Agiratu- To paraphrase - A Plain Jack turns into Jack the Giant killer

Wow, what a lengthy title for a blog- but its been a long time and you just have to bear with me. To come back to the matter at hand- my last post was about my weight loss methods. I am happy to treport that not only have they worked out better than expected - I am actually finally turning from the "Ugly Duckling" to the "Golden Goose". Ok, Maybe thats a bit of an exaggertion. But what happened is this. All the hard work at the Gym is finally paying off .

Last evening, I happened to run into an old acquaintance - shall we call her S- who i used to date in the bad old days of early 2000's - specifically 2004. She was , to put it mildly astounded and hang mouthed by my new body- she literally couldn't recognize the "New Me" - And I swear I'm not exaggerating. She (Drooling from one corner of the mouth) Told me she wouldn't have recognized me, would have simply passed me by- if I hadn't made the first move by stopping her for old Reminices. And this from a girl who after having eaten three large-sized Popcorns (bought by me) at the premiere of Spiderman (the Original-part 1, circa 2004, - noon show @ Satyam Theatre) had dropped me the next week for a A****. And now she was clearly lusting for me again- And to top it all - all that free food smooched out of various dudes had finally had its effect on her- she had a posterior extending 3-feet away- something resembling the hanging gardens of Babylon. The Wheel - Gentleman and Ladies- Had turned full circle- Now I was the home-coming Queen at the Prom- while she was an also-ran. After a short talk, she had an unusual request for me- she had an enemy at her new office - a colleague who was a bit of a hit with the boys- and she wanted me take down this femme-fatale for her. S. was willing to provide all the dope- all the obvoius pressure points to work on her friend turned competitor for me to have an easygo in the matter. I Respectfully Declined. I'm already having too much fun - hunting down all my old girlfriends to show them what they missed - "the New ME".

And as for a final thought - I'd like to a share a home-truth. For those who say getting a make-over from Fat To Thin- can be a life-altering experience- I beg to differ. Nothing has really changed in my life - except maybe a few of the ladies checking me out discreetly at the Gym- that might be due to pure envy (or to confirm whether its the same guy they saw 6 months back). Life goes on at the same even speed- or maybe its just me- I was cool enough to begin with- you can't make me any cooler...It's Attitude, Dude. Right?

Monday, April 28, 2008

How to lose weight on a diet of Pizza's & Samosa's....My Fitness woes...

Ok, Here is the Good News First... Those Thirty Kilo's I lost over the better part of last year are still not back.. They are keeping their distance staring like hungry wolves itching to get back at me.. But I have not lost anything in recent times- maybe because I am finally indulging my craving for all my self-denial last year?... I must have hit a "Plateau" the size of Tibet as the Weighing Scales resolutely refuse to go down any further - and every little bit of my fat is hanging onto me like needy blood relatives - which in a sense they probably are..

To start from the beginning - for those who came in late and missed the first half:- The hospital where I report for work (occasionally) had bought a new machine - to check whats called the cardio-vascular status - and when I had gone to chat with my friend who was in charge of the ward - he playfully suggested that I inaugrate the machine by getting hooked-up to it first- unofficially, of course. In a rare unguarded moment of weakness I assented and when the results showed on the monitor - I (and my friend), had a nasty shock- my insides were labouring under overloading conditions. Before my friend could offer his expert analysis (and unwanted advice) - I tactfully escaped and went away to brood over it alone like a modern Hamlet - To Do or not to Do?. The conclusions were inescapable - I needed more exercise - my weekly quota of self adminstered hand jobs -did not suffice.

So, over the next few days I started a crash- diet program and went & joined a Gym - Fitness One in Kilpauk - to which I made the customary weekly visit - to console my conscience (still losing sleep over the steep membership fee) that I was in fact exercising... But the semi- starvation diet - water, water and more water - whenever I felt hungry (with occasional gorging on Pizza or Samosa - whenever I relapsed)- seemed to have worked wonders - I was losing the equivalent of 3-4 kilos a month without any heavy physical activity (except using the TV remote). After a few months my gym trainer who attributed all my rapid weight loss to his exceptional training methods - entered my name (without consulting me) into a Triathlon race- involving 3 different events -running, cycling, and cross-trainer - to be done continously on the same day....What? Do I look like a fool?- was my first reaction - but on being assured that I could drop out anytime-I agreed to grace the event with my presence.....

Oh!, If only I had known - the extreme fatigue and pain involved - I wouldnt have gone near the gym even if they had arranged naked cheer-girls for the event. But unfortunately I presented myself for the event - and I was put on a treadmill and told to run. After 3 minutes I was just about ready to give up and go home and take rest for a week - when on the treadmill beside me an old man (40? 45)?) started his run and he gave me a look full of pity at my panting. Now - if there is one thing I hate - it is being patronized - and my blood boiling with rage- I decided to finish the triathlon if it killed me - and it very nearly did too - for in the last event when I felt a twinge near my chest - I imagined having a heart -attack and very nearly fell of the machine. Suffice it to say - that by the time I had finished all three events - I was in a zone of my own - it was like taking half a dozen shots of vodka in one swig. The thing that i had always fantazised about -whenever I read about it - no, not the big "O"- The "Endorphin" thing - thats what had hit me - my brain felt clearer than in years - there were multicoloured lights floating in front of my eyes and I felt like - I was 12 feet tall..

So, like every addict - I kept trying to re-experience that incredible first effect again and again. I ran and ran - joined aerobics classes, then joined dance classes, then did both classes continuosly till I was a walking cripple on my way back home from the gym - to try and experience that endorphin high again. But sorry to say - except for that near-death experience my first time - I have not experienced that Agony & Exstasy again. Meanwhile - my weight kept dropping down until - on New Years Day this Year - I was 30 Kilos lighter compared to last year. And now starts part Two - The Tragedy.

The current rage being " Fab Abs" - I reasoned - now that I was back looking like a member of the human race - why not go the whole hog? and get a, what they call, "A Body to Die For?" So for the past 3 months I have being slogging my butt out in the Gym - lifting big and bigger (impossibly looking) weights- trying to get well proportioned muscles and a chiseled body . I have even joined a kick boxing class to try and lose all my aggro in a non-injurious way - but to no avail. The muscles have not developed - my weight is stubbornly clinging on at current levels- and kicking others in the face is not exactly my idea of fun - I am more the sarcastic remark type. So - I figure my body has at last called a halt to the whole fitness issue and taken a break - maybe I should do so too.......