Infidelity,
Infertility and Adultery- The Elephant in The Room
Disclaimer:
This post contains graphic descriptions of sexual acts and hence is not
suitable for those below 18 years or for prudes.
This post is going to be about the elephant
in the room, more specifically in the bedroom- that big hefty animal looming
over the bed but which no one talks about loudly. Yes, this post is about that
most delicate of issues which affects a relationship - sexual compatibility
between couples. Now that the brief explanation for the title is out of the way
let’s get to the actual story.
For the past three days I was temporarily
loaned out to a different hospital – don’t ask me why because it’s a state
secret. Which meant that the regulars there didn’t trust me (and others like
me) enough to allow us to work with their patients. Which in turn meant that I
had plenty of time on my hand to catch up with a few other friends who were in
the same situation. In particular a friend of mine I hadn’t stayed in touch with
much for the past couple of years, ever since he got married, for as everyone
knows, when once a guy marries he is lost to the brotherhood of the single men
and gradually avoids all his single friends preferring instead to hang out in
couples groups.
Anyway I was meeting this guy after a long
time and we swapped updates on our respective life stories- mine was easily
told as it was just a single line - no I am still single and yes I still
haven’t found any girl willing to go long term with me. But his story kept
changing over the course of the two days with each telling adding new details.
At first he said he was happily married and enjoying life and even though he
had no kids yet it was all planned for. And then as he drifted over other
topics and came back again to his life he slow started dropping hints about
trouble in paradise. As one of my characteristic habits in life is never to
force a story out of anyone but wait for them to tell it their own way at their
own time, he slowly came around to confessing that he was halfway through a
divorce and the reason for it was sexual incompatibility between him and his
soon to be ex-wife.
Now sexual incompatibility between married
couples is often the elephant in the room when it comes to most divorces. People
may say a lot of causes and give a lot of reasons later on for why it didn’t
work but underlying all that is often the simple fact that the two persons
sexual appetites didn’t match. In the case of my friend it was the simple fact
that his wife didn’t factor in the need for sex of a virile thirty year old.
She had assumed that a man is satisfied with just looking at a good looking
woman, taking her out shopping, going to movies and malls, holding hands
together and then going home to sleep soundly. As any half wit would tell you
that doesn’t work at all. If you starve a man at home then you can be sure that
he is going to find food somewhere else to eat- no exceptions- the male brain
(and physiology) works that way. Conversely if a woman plans to keep a man
safely around (at beck and call) - the best way to do it is to feed him
breakfast, lunch and dinner and keep him satiated (plus sedated) all the time.
If not then look out for trouble.
Which was what happened with my friend too.
He had joined a part-time mba at madras university and somehow had made an
instant connection with one of the lecturers there- a good looking young lady
(note to self: remember to apply for MBA entrance next year) and pretty soon
the two were inseparable. the young lady in question seems to have provided an
enthusiastic full meals all the time to my friend who had after eating such
tasty stuff and realizing for the first time in his life that food provided
freely with enthusiasm (instead of after coaxing, cajoling and begging) could
taste so much better and especially compared to when its thrown your way
halfheartedly out of a sense of duty (are you still following my food metaphors
or should I be more explicit??) So he had decided to go for an exciting new
life with the MBA lecturer while divorcing his always demanding but never
providing wife.
This is why the wise say that those who eat
a full course meal at home will never feel the need to stray outside. But if
any wife acts like a queen (inside the bedroom) who will only grant an audience
to the poor public based on her whims and fancies then there are chances that
the public might rebel (remember the french revolution) and get themselves a
new head of state. I would blame this squarely on feminists and other assorted
busybodies who have forced modern women to swallow the lie that marriage at its
most basic does not involve sex between two people. They want everyone to lead
a sexless intellectual marital life which might be a good concept theoretically
but is not practical – if they really understood the male half of the
population.
But our ancients were far more pragmatic
when it came to sex issues in marriages. They knew that sexual compatibility in
marriages were most necessary and put their wits to devise ways to check it pre-marital’ly.
As our samskara culture prohibited free sex pre-marital’ly there was no way to
directly check for compatibility in bed between the prospective groom and
bride. Hence our ancients invented a proxy premarital check via astrologic
predictions when they compare the yoni and vasya matches between two
horoscopes. Only if both the size and the vigour of both the horoscopes matched
did they allow the wedding to proceed and most of the time such arranged
wedding were a success too.
Now for those who still don’t understand
what I am talking about here- let me clarify that sex at its most basic has
certain preliminary stages like intention, stimulation, lubrication before the actual
sex act even commences. Intention is the wants of a person to indulge in sex –
from as frequently as three times a day to as infrequently as three times a
week. Some are Diurnal and some are Nocturnal- which means that one partner
prefers to do it at night and then drop off to sleep while the other wants to
do it first thing in the morning as the best way to start the day. And then
there was a friend of mine who often went home during the lunch hour and
returned later in the afternoon- it takes all kinds doesn’t it? So, when the
couples match each other in their appetites for sex- then one partner does not
have to ask (or convince or beg or finally force) the other for sex – they both
want it equally and enjoy it with a “no favors done” mentality. Otherwise it’s
a constant cajoling for sex and its resultant bitter aftermath, for make no
mistake if someone has to beg for sex then he or she will definitely hold a
grudge for it and show it in other ways (of course, once the sex is done).
The next stage is stimulation which not
only involves foreplay but more importantly lubrication – for only when there
is full mental acquiescence then there is the necessary internal lubrication to
enjoy sex- otherwise it’s just like rape-do it dry. If there is even a minor
bit of resentment over any other family issue (when in bed) then there is no real
lubrication- and goodbye good sex. This is where so many women go wrong as they
bring all other issues to the bedroom and allow it to play on their minds. And this
mental turning off in bed can act as a physical dampener to lubrication despite
enthusiastic foreplay- sometimes foreplay which leaves the other partner
exhausted before the actual sex even starts yet there is still no lubrication.
This is what had happened in my
above-mentioned friend’s case. His wife was mostly dry during sex because she
was always moody and brooding on other things in bed and he was no longer
willing to spend the majority of his time and effort to coax her into getting a
little wet just so he can have a few minutes of sex. And then as fate would
have it he had met this other woman who could get wet at just a thought or a
kiss, giving him ecstatic instant sex requiring no hard work, then can we blame
him for preferring to take the easy option? The “real reason” he confessed for
the divorce was the perfect sexual syncing between his new girlfriend and him
leading to mind-blowing sex, something which he had failed to achieve at home
even after three years of marriage and continuous efforts on his part.
Now for those readers who are grumbling
that I am writing this post mainly from a male-centric view and not about the
problems faced by women in such sexually incompatible marriages let me assure
you that I am getting round to it next. Anyone who lives in Chennai would be
aware of the slang phrase "the desperate housewives of OMR". No, it’s
not a TV serial. It’s a slang term which refers to the increasing (explosively)
number of failed marriages of the OMR/ECR belt - an industrial suburb of Chennai
city known for its multitude of companies- where the housewives are all
supposedly starved for sex and easy prey to any romeo looking to have an
adulterous affair. The reason is rumored to be financial- the EMI/Debt Trap- as
many of these suburban families are trapped in the EMI commitments of an
apartment, car etc requiring the male of the family to work long, hard hours
and come back home too exhausted to do anything else. Though money is important
there are other things equally important too and how long can a wife take being
neglected and going home to sleep not satisfied and so they stray into affairs.
You can’t really blame these suburban wives
for indulging in their natural appetites occasionally on the sly, especially if
the husband is too tired for sex at night (night after night) because of a
crappy diet and the hours and hours of sitting down at a desk (staring at a
computer) and the stress of beating deadlines which totally exhausts him
mentally and even if he tries to do it occasionally he can’t as he mostly suffers
from some form of erectile insufficiency which means he is not able to either
get it up or sustain it long enough or its not firm enough for penetration on
its own- called the floppy dick syndrome. With the result that such long
suffering women indulge in extra-marital affairs leading to their husbands
being labeled EMI-cuckolds or Code-cuckoos (short form for code writing husband
being cuckolded at home). So the next time you notice someone who just passed
by being cooed at by his colleagues at work you know the reason why.
So in conclusion (this post is getting too
long) most marital fights can be reduced to the unvoiced reason of sexual
incompatibility between couples which causes havoc in both lives and ends in
ugly divorces. There is no easy solution for this except maybe to check
compatibility through pre-marital sex like western societies which have
detached sex from marriage. But as that is an alien concept to us in India
where 90% of marriages take place just for having children couples who find
themselves in disharmony sexually have to learn to live with it and adjust in
other ways.
Not everyone can afford to divorce and go
around looking for the perfectly in sync sex partner to marry. You just have to
practice adjustment, tolerance and an obligation to put the needs of the other
before ourselves. For that in a nutshell is the secret to a successful
marriage- to show (or at least feign) enthusiasm for things which we may not
really enjoy. And if someone gets a 5-course meal at home -home-cooked food
served with love then you can depend on it that they are not going to look
outside for anything else. And that brings to an end my sermon for the day.
Post Script. I am neither married nor have
a girlfriend nor even a crush right now and i even sleep with a pillow by my
side and thus I have no axe to grind with this post and am doing this just as a
public service message to save others marriages.
