Conditions Apply

Conditions Apply

Disclaimer: A long, long personal rant on a few things which have been bothering me of late. If you are single- do read on. If you are married- well, this will be purely academic for you.

There has been a spate of articles in recent months making fun of arranged marriages. But the one which struck a false note with me was the one in Tehelka magazine written by a newbie author promoting her upcoming book which ridicules all the various misadventures of bumbling men during personal interviews in the girl seeing ceremony of arranged weddings. I hate making sweeping generalizations and prefer letting each talk for themselves but in this instance I would like to add a few nuggets of information from the other side of the fence- the male point of view.

The prime reason most Indian men trip over their own feet in such personal interviews is that as a rule Indian men are not used to talking to girls casually, especially to strange girls they are meeting for the first time ever and with the added pressure of doing it under the hawk like supervision of both sets of parents. Can you ever imagine dating under parental supervision? Especially a first date with its own set of chances for misunderstandings? And to extend it further - a situation where you are under the clock on that brief first date itself to decide whether you like the person enough to spend the rest of your life with them? And to watch out for nuances in meaning and insinuations in the most casual of sentences and to still be a charming conversationalist is a gift beyond the average Indian male.

Most men spend years picking up courage to talk causally even to their classmates and colleagues at work and to be challenged suddenly to do it in a arranged wedding setup simply freezes their vocal cords. Besides at girl seeing ceremonies the average Indian male prefers to ogle at his would-be-brides external charms and rarely worry about trying to impress them with his wit and charms. After all if he has been allowed in so far as to qualify for a personal interview then it goes without saying he has successfully jumped through the preliminary hoops and bounds placed by the girl’s family. And most of the really serious issues are negotiated by the two sets of parents beforehand without involving the groom and bride- the very raison d’être of an arranged wedding.

But sometimes despite all the best efforts of the parents the groom or the bride can end up damaging the most promising of arranged weddings and this happens usually during those brief girl-boy chats we are discussing here. Speaking personally whenever I go to see a girl I hope there is no opportunity to speak at all. For one, it minimizes the chances of any misunderstandings being blamed on me later on. But mainly it’s because I find that whenever I get to speak with a girl as part of an arranged marriage - the entire time our parents allow us to talk personally is monopolized by the girl bargaining hard as if we are at a fish market.

Although it’s easy to pass off my experiences as isolated instances still i have made an effort to find out if they are indeed one-off experiences or the general norm nowadays and so from my extensive talks with various other unmarried, sailing in the same boat, guys in my friends/acquaintances list (confessions wrangled out from unsuspecting persons) I find that girls nowadays spend all their times making up to-do lists and conditions to put to the groom during the personal interviews. These range from the most basic (and laughable rules) to absolutely idiotic conditions which no sane person would ever agree to. Casual every day stuff on life together which can be discussed informally later on after marriage (and preferably in bed) are elevated to make or break conditions which are negotiated with all the zeal of a multi-billion dollar contract. Much ado is made about little things. All the talk is about rights and nary a whisper about its other side- duties. 

 When one person keeps demanding and demanding - the other person is bound to start seeing things in a different light too, right? What should be a romantic discussion about a rosy future together is suddenly turned into an item by item checklist to be negotiated no-holds bared. It takes all the romance out of a wedding and just paves the way for continuous fights post-marriage. The very spirit of give and take in a marriage is given a go by when it is firmly established right in the beginning that you have to fight for everything. With such an auspicious start to marital life do you wonder at the skyrocketing divorce rates? If all that a girl is looking for is to just start a fight with a man, then she should join the World Wrestling Federation and give a bye to marriage. People marry to lead a normal peaceful life, not to indulge in competitive one-upmanship

Now, I can hear some women saying hold on, this is too one-sided and how will we ever get anything we want out of men if we don’t negotiate for it pre-wedding. Well, ladies have you heard of the magic word, please? It moves mountains especially when asked by the correct person and in the correct tone and time. Half the art of negotiation lies in knowing when to ask and not in bludgeoning men with take it or leave it conditions. Power, if you didn’t know it is not given but taken. Take it by yourself and your own that man. Ask for it, fight for it or negotiate for it and you have already lost the initiative.

Which brings me to my pet peeve- feminists - who have so inverted the male/female dynamics as to change it from a complementary relationship to an antagonistic relationship. Some of the position of neo-feminist is absolutely bizarre. Like ridiculing men for being shallow over the looks of the would-be wife. Remember, beauty is highly subjective and what’s good for the goose may not be etc. for example, when I was at college i used to go all drooling on short, cute girls wearing spectacles and looking bookish and nerdy so much so that when one of my friends saw any such one they would all start making fun of what they called "your type".  But as I grew older my tastes changed and now I don’t exclusively like short girls only. And if any woman takes umbrage at me for this preference based on looks only let me ask straight out whether the rule about not being shallow applies to men only? 

For example I have seen so many instances of women outraging over matrimonial advertisements when a guy demands a fair/beautiful bride but how many women actually agree to marry a normal looking guy who just looks his age? Don’t all marriageable age women ask their parents for a rich, well settled and handsome guy? Someone with a six digit salary and six pack abs? Has any girl ever, ever told her parents that all she looks for in a guy is a good and loving heart? Have you ever seen any matrimonial ad from a girl which says dusky or short or geeky or bespectacled or bald boys preferred?  Or even accepted? First time itself? Now don’t be hypocritical ladies and start lying that you did- you know in your hearts that you didn’t. Should there be different standards for different people? As human beings we all have our fantasies (politically correct or not) -and wishing for them to be fulfilled is not wrong as such. Preaching to others will not make a change till you show by example.

So my conclusion is -it takes two to fight. If you decide to ambush an unsuspecting guy with conditions and rules expect to face in turn some hard bargaining. If on the other hand you trust to love and affection to make everything right (somehow) in the end, providence (karma) will play its role and reward you with a happy marital life. What you give is what you get- cynicism breeds cynicism and trust breeds trust. So stop blaming men alone - we share only half of it. And before you start making fun of men for bumbling into arranged marriages reflect that you too are in the same boat because you are sitting on the other end of it. I rest my case.

Living Our Life For Ourselves

(Disclaimer: This post is not intended to hurt or to be judgmental about anyone, just a reflection of my alternate viewpoint as per my blogs credo of “Hear the other side”)

Recently I happened to read a blog referred to me by a friend who went gaga in her praise over it. I was intrigued and finding some free time recently, I went over to that blog and read a few posts. It is primarily a personal blog with the blogger writing about her struggles in life and relationships. The writing was good and the blogger seems to have no inhibitions in writing long posts but expresses herself regardless of word limit, unlike your truly, who cringes every time the word limit crosses a thousand, for I feel that if I can’t say anything I want to say in a thousand words then I am probably better off writing a book about it rather than blog on it.

  

Anyway, an interesting post of her was all about her creepy ex-boyfriend, who had an affair with another girl and ditched this one on the verge of marriage. From what she says of her ex- the guy looks like a perfect egomaniac (and isn’t that how we would all describe our exes?) and the relationship looks so obviously mismatched right from the beginning that any sane person would have asked right at the beginning “where’s the catch?”  But, when you are in love the sane part of your brain temporarily closes down, girls believe in the concept of the fair and handsome prince riding up to rescue them from a humdrum existence and all such candy floss stories till they wake up and smell the coffee and start cursing the coffee maker. 

And this particular girl had a double whammy coming to her. She had a business relationship with her ex-boyfriend it seems, a start-up firm of some kind. And having lost both the ex and the business at the same shattering moment, she writes of her struggles to establish a successful business just to show him she can. That precisely is where she lost me. To show him. She should have just deleted for ever from her mind- that creepy, cheating, double-dealing psychopath of an ex-boyfriend. I mean she had done it all - working hard, establishing her own business, being a success and if only she had done it all for herself, then I would have applauded her spirit wholeheartedly. But to do it just to make a point to her ex- is like showing that she still hasn’t learnt her lesson, even from her failed relationship. She does not esteem her success for herself but looks for outside validation, in this instance from the worst possible person she could think of, her ex lover. I mean if you are rich and successful all by your own hard work, you don’t need to go out there and rub it in your enemies’ faces to make them jealous do you? The very fact of your success is a slap on their face, especially if you keep it subtle and not attribute it to the effect they had on you. You don’t have to prove anything, especially not to an ex. Well, I may be pre-judging her, without knowing the real facts (if so I apologize profusely, a thousand pardons), after reading just her blog, but this was how it read to me.

Anyway, the point of this post is about showing our exes. We have all had our share of failed relationships don’t we? If anyone says not, either they are lying, or they are too young to be reading my blog. And as we move on in life, it is a struggle not to let the baggage of that failed relationship drag us down. To move on with a lot of those bitter memories dragging you back is to set yourself up for future loss too. One person is not another person- just because the gender is the same. In any given situation people will always react different and you cannot predict their behavior. If you start letting a past toxic relationship poison you against other people you meet, then you are letting yourself in for a future as the lonely old cat lady (or cat gentleman) as the case maybe.

There is a reason that forgive and forget is considered as one of the greatest of virtues, it not only heals you of any lingering hatred, it leaves you free to continue to believe in a rosy future as if the shit which happened before did not happen. Why continue to wallow in the muck of past memories, when everyday you wake up and everywhere you go, a fresh start awaits you. IF. You permit yourself. If you let go. If you move on. IF ....

So go out there, open your heart, trust someone, be vulnerable again, fall in love, make a fresh start, love them with all your heart, show them your insecurities, forgive each other’s mistakes, embrace each other’s happiness, live life fully, with your soul mate. Or get yourself one cat to start with. Your choice.

ALL IZZ WELL….

My erstwhile colleague Anand called after a long time and asked me “how it was going”. When I asked him back the same thing he started off on a long rant unmindful of the mounting call charges “the economy was going south” he started off “what were the bloody Europeans thinking off when they gave those loans to the Greeks?, first the Americans and now the Europeans, everyone seems to be playing with the world economy..And now look at us..The rupee has gone zooming up to the dollar, how can we buy anything at all? petrol prices are sky high, can’t even switch on the a/c on in the car for fear of fuel consumption, the govt doesn’t care, no one cares” he stopped for breath and I got in a word edgewise when I finally got the chance “How are your kids?” he continued from where he left off  “oh, fine, fine, they are all well, I say, you should come see them now, they are all grown up since you last saw them, the little one is going to start play school this year. And by the way” he added almost casually “I have shifted my house, you should come see the new house, its right behind DAV school”. “What?' I asked in a shocked voice and then the more important “but why?” he hesitated for the first time before saying “well you know the usual family thing - my mother and my wife had some problems, my wife was complaining that there was no privacy in the house for even talk between husband and wife and to make things easier on everyone, I decided to move away from my parents house to a rented flat- its small but it’s very private- no one to disturb us”..I chewed over this for a few seconds, for when I had known him, he had been a very attached and affectionate son, who had listened like the gospel truth to whatever his parents proposed and ultimately marrying a girl he didn’t even like, just because his mother felt she was the right family type..Well, these things come to bite you back, don’t they? Anyhow I asked him the one thing which felt incongruous in the whole logic “so who takes care of the kids now?” for his wife was a lecturer at an engineering college and had to do a long commute everyday outside the city. He replied happily “my mother-in-law has made a big sacrifice by consenting to come and stay with us to take care of the kids till they grow up a bit”. Ha! So this was his idea of privacy.

Anyway the point of this post is not about anand's marital problems but about the culture of negativity and pessimism some people spread about as if it were perfume. I have never actually believed in the glass is half empty philosophy for I thought that any fool can look in the glass and see that it is half full and until it drains to the very dregs tat the bottom it is not time to start worrying. But there are people around who perfectly epitomize JK Rowling’s description of Dementors – those who spread negativity and suck the fun out of everyone around. These people are a walking talking miasma of misery.

I have met quite a few of these oh my god, my life is so depressing, types. The worst among them are the ones who try to psyche you into a “Oh my god, your life is depressing too”, by enumerating what are all the things going wrong in your life which you are not giving a damn about right now. They seem to know a lot of things about you and your troubles, things which you dont know yourself. In the guise of admiration they say “I really don’t know how you can be this happy with so many problems, if I were you I would fall into a deep depression and never get out of the bed. You are soo brave”. Well hold on, I seem to think when confronted by specimens of this kind – buddy, what seems to be insurmountable problems to you are merely specks in my eyes. To the man who has control over his emotions nothing seems to be unsalvageable- there is always some chink somewhere you can find and solve the problem with. Every problem has its own solution they say- so give me a problem and I don’t look at it - I look at solving it

Lots of people around me, look like they are - always boiling cauldrons of emotions. Me? I am a pool of cool (ahem! Ahem!) But seriously I do take my own sweet time in expressing anger, outrage or even getting depressed. I have never been the violently emotional drama queen type which more and more people nowadays aspire to be, as I stay cool without meaning to or making an obvious effort to be so.

My mother has this proverb which she oft repeats to me “aluvara kozhandaiku dhan sorru kedaikum”...in simple English...The crying child gets fed first. That people like me who wait patiently for their turn, get neglected. Is being patient such a drawback then in reality? Do the fussers and tantrum throwers get everything to the exclusivity of others? Maybe at first – but not always I feel.

The longest I have ever been depressed (as far as I can remember ) is three hours – and that's when the bloody result is stuck on the notice board and some bloody girl scores more marks than you in an exam you swore you had aced. Other than that, I don’t have long lasting depressions which last for days and days. Something or the other always tickles my sense of humour or I find funny and once you start smiling or laughing it’s pretty hard to stay depressed. If I can find humour in even the most depressing of circumstances, it’s a good thing, Right? 

Wrong- according to some people. Those people find it strangely eerie that I am not depressed like them, that I don’t have the necessary gravitas for the situation and I am blamed for being an unfeeling type. Hold on, I want to say, being basically happy is also a feeling – you can’t say that being sad is the only worthwhile emotion. Even our films have this bias - heroes who cry a lot (in strange heinous tones) are called thespians and great actors while stars who take things light are not afforded any respect.

So what should I tell people who look at me and tell me my life is so sad and I should be depressed and I should grow a beard or hit the booze? That I only grow a beard during study holidays, to prevent wasting time on unnecessary bodily comforts, time better spent studying? Or that drinking alcohol, will give me the shivers, make my fingers shake and make me professionally useless. And as someone who handles connective tissue grafts the thickness of human hair every day, I cannot afford to have the minutest tremor or vibrations in my fingers and on entering this profession I knew and accepted wholeheartedly that I had to deny myself all indulgences that may produce such adverse results?

 What do I tell these oceans of negativity, these Cassandra’s of gloom and doom..Get lost you evil ones...I may stay hungry, I may stay foolish, but I will stay happy? That nothing’s wrong with India, a falling rupee doesn’t matter, that we have a robust economy and a talented population who will see us through tough times? That petrol prices are simply going to make solar power more interesting and viable and that’s the way we should have already gone if not for the addiction of cheap petrol? That the world economy will balance itself out, that science will find a way, innovations will happen, evolution will advance and the human race as a whole is always moving forward incrementally, one small step after another and we will beat all this gloom and doom and one day successfully straddle the entire galaxy as one civilization? If I tell them all this will they believe me or at least listen? You tell me...

Fools Advice...Wise Do

People who are married automatically assume that they are qualified to give singles advice on marital affairs..inspite of the fact that the singles maybe so much more cleverer and successful in life than the married idiots. Merely getting married does not qualify you as an expert in marital affairs- thats what paid counsellors are for. The reason I am delaying getting married is I am still searching for someone to choose who fits my requirements and I will do so - the minute that person turns up.

After getting a lot of unsolicited advice on what "kind" of girl to choose to marry....I am frankly fed up of all the people who tell me to marry ugly girls...Just because they have had the bad luck to end up with women who turn their stomachs, should I do too? Tell me the truth, would anyone marry an ugly person, if they had a better choice or option? willingly choose to commit suicide or what?

Am I not old enough to know what I want? to choose a life partner for myself? The only thing I want my wife to be is

" YOUNG AND SLENDER
SOFT AND TENDER"

That is my mantra for searching a bride....unfortunately no one (including my parents) understand this- they look for stuff like status, family background etc without taking into consideration that the secret of success in a marriage is sexual compatibility. If you cannot get a raise on seeing your wife- your marriage is doomed. All other things like education, job, horoscope match are absolutely of no interest to me.

Besides, I have everything else- money, status etc. All I want is a beautiful girl to spice up my life and make my blood heat-up....and I will give her everything she wants..now where can I find such a girl?

My Small. Small, wishes.....(Chinna, chinna asai...Chotti si asha)

Lots of people have lots of expectations when it comes to their marital lives and I am no exception to it. But, heres the caveat, my expectations are all quite small and remarkably silly- hope my future wife doesnt fall down with laughter on hearing about them.....

1) Bed Coffee/Good Morning- to be woken up early (not too early) on a sunday morning with a steaming cup of filter Coffee by my wife who has freshly showered and has her hair tied up and draped in a wet towel and smiling at me....(instead of screaming- are you still asleep when there is so much work to do?)

2) Sitting and watching an-ever running TV serial with my wife - on the rare day I am early at home- and discussing the story twists taking place in the serial over the past one year or so......just sitting and talking about useless stuff.

3) Morning when I am leaving for office- and I tell my wife to lock the door and I go out- she closes the door but still keeps a small crack open and leans there waiting and watching me till my car finally leaves- not banging the door in my face and saying good riddance/just go to office.

4) When she makes some special dish for me and serves me- she takes it up in her fingers and feeds it to me in my mouth (like for a child) despite my protestations of "thats enough, thats enough" - instead of saying come on get up- you have had enough and your tummy's growing.

5) When I am worried and depressed and come over to the house in a despondent mood- she just takes my hand in hers and says - "whatever the problem, I am here with you, dont worry" - actually she doesnt have to say those words out loud, just a meaningful look would be enough.

I dont know how many of these i am actually gonna see happen in my life- but if i get an understanding wife - I might give her the link to this blog post and see if (after her initial hilarity) she might try and grant me one or two atleast of my small, small wishes. They might all seem silly to her- but if she loves me then she woudt mind doing a few sily things to please me - if thats what I want. Hope I get an understanding wife...

P.S. I do have some more ultimate fantasies (of marital life) -things involoving sleevless nighties and other X-rated stuff- but they are too personal to share on the Internet....they are only for my wife's ears.