Marry a Girl

Marry a Girl

After reading through a couple dozen blog posts on who to marry- they typically go like Marry a Writer, Marry a Reader, Marry a Doctor, Marry a Lawyer and many, many variations of these thereof, I decided to write my own version of who to marry.

So here are the top 5 reasons of why you should marry a - Girl

1)    Marry a Girl- because she is a….. Well…. face it, of the opposite sex and made just right for, hmmm, uhhh, the, well…. the… you know, sex?

2)    Marry a Girl- because we all (all men) need someone who can read fifty shades of expressions from our faces when we are capable of showing only one fixed expression for all situations.

3)    Marry a Girl – because we need someone to make plans for us in our lives other than the standard pop onto the sofa with a bag of potato chips and watch the match, the post match commentary, highlights of the match and reruns of old matches- plans we have for our standard days.

4)    Marry a Girl- because they are the only creatures capable of breaking through our manly reserves and emotional dryness and making us shed tears unabashedly….

5)    Marry a Girl- because they are all sweet and cuddly and chocolaty and make our lives all bright and happy.

So, who needs any more labels than this?

Living Our Life For Ourselves

(Disclaimer: This post is not intended to hurt or to be judgmental about anyone, just a reflection of my alternate viewpoint as per my blogs credo of “Hear the other side”)

Recently I happened to read a blog referred to me by a friend who went gaga in her praise over it. I was intrigued and finding some free time recently, I went over to that blog and read a few posts. It is primarily a personal blog with the blogger writing about her struggles in life and relationships. The writing was good and the blogger seems to have no inhibitions in writing long posts but expresses herself regardless of word limit, unlike your truly, who cringes every time the word limit crosses a thousand, for I feel that if I can’t say anything I want to say in a thousand words then I am probably better off writing a book about it rather than blog on it.

  

Anyway, an interesting post of her was all about her creepy ex-boyfriend, who had an affair with another girl and ditched this one on the verge of marriage. From what she says of her ex- the guy looks like a perfect egomaniac (and isn’t that how we would all describe our exes?) and the relationship looks so obviously mismatched right from the beginning that any sane person would have asked right at the beginning “where’s the catch?”  But, when you are in love the sane part of your brain temporarily closes down, girls believe in the concept of the fair and handsome prince riding up to rescue them from a humdrum existence and all such candy floss stories till they wake up and smell the coffee and start cursing the coffee maker. 

And this particular girl had a double whammy coming to her. She had a business relationship with her ex-boyfriend it seems, a start-up firm of some kind. And having lost both the ex and the business at the same shattering moment, she writes of her struggles to establish a successful business just to show him she can. That precisely is where she lost me. To show him. She should have just deleted for ever from her mind- that creepy, cheating, double-dealing psychopath of an ex-boyfriend. I mean she had done it all - working hard, establishing her own business, being a success and if only she had done it all for herself, then I would have applauded her spirit wholeheartedly. But to do it just to make a point to her ex- is like showing that she still hasn’t learnt her lesson, even from her failed relationship. She does not esteem her success for herself but looks for outside validation, in this instance from the worst possible person she could think of, her ex lover. I mean if you are rich and successful all by your own hard work, you don’t need to go out there and rub it in your enemies’ faces to make them jealous do you? The very fact of your success is a slap on their face, especially if you keep it subtle and not attribute it to the effect they had on you. You don’t have to prove anything, especially not to an ex. Well, I may be pre-judging her, without knowing the real facts (if so I apologize profusely, a thousand pardons), after reading just her blog, but this was how it read to me.

Anyway, the point of this post is about showing our exes. We have all had our share of failed relationships don’t we? If anyone says not, either they are lying, or they are too young to be reading my blog. And as we move on in life, it is a struggle not to let the baggage of that failed relationship drag us down. To move on with a lot of those bitter memories dragging you back is to set yourself up for future loss too. One person is not another person- just because the gender is the same. In any given situation people will always react different and you cannot predict their behavior. If you start letting a past toxic relationship poison you against other people you meet, then you are letting yourself in for a future as the lonely old cat lady (or cat gentleman) as the case maybe.

There is a reason that forgive and forget is considered as one of the greatest of virtues, it not only heals you of any lingering hatred, it leaves you free to continue to believe in a rosy future as if the shit which happened before did not happen. Why continue to wallow in the muck of past memories, when everyday you wake up and everywhere you go, a fresh start awaits you. IF. You permit yourself. If you let go. If you move on. IF ....

So go out there, open your heart, trust someone, be vulnerable again, fall in love, make a fresh start, love them with all your heart, show them your insecurities, forgive each other’s mistakes, embrace each other’s happiness, live life fully, with your soul mate. Or get yourself one cat to start with. Your choice.

What is it with the wrong types?

(Disclaimer: this Post is intended only for those above 18 years for it contains explicit language and incendiary ideas..read on only if you are 18+)

I am happy that I am back to my favourite genre after a long absence, where I try to break my head and mash the English language trying to explain the unexplainable- the workings of hidden human emotions and thought processes of men (and women). And even as I type this I feel a profound satisfaction that all though in  the interest of expanding my own knowledge and breaking my own boundaries, I have for the past dozen posts tried my hand at any and every genre, but the call of nature was too hard to ignore. I am back to where I belong and I believe that the contents of this post will better serve those who are looking for a little insight into the ways of hearts, of courtship and confusions and for the students of human nature. If you manage to understand this post – you are on the path to clarity. If not, don’t blame me- you are not ready yet for the wisdom this post offers to the discerning. Come back later when you are worth the knowledge. See? I can be pretentious too..

The basics of Desire:

So let’s start with my pet equation:

Desire = attraction/obstacle

i.e. desire is the end product of attraction divisible by obstacle and now I will explain why.

What is an attraction?

When we say we are attracted to someone what does that mean? That we desire them, right? So is attraction the same as desire? Not according to the experts, aka….me. An attraction is simply what you feel for a random moment, it is passing in nature and you may not feel the same attraction the next time you see the same person. To convert it into desire you need something more, maybe a better acquaintance, shared interests, opportunity of being thrown together constantly- especially in mixed company where you get the right ingredients to cook up something (for example in group trips/orientation camps) -with the challenging ebb and flow of personalities you get to experience in groups of opposite sex hanging out together where you can never be sure who is trying to pick up who (come on, can anyone really say who is looking at who in the dark environs of a nightspot/discotheque?) - with Role Playing (example- I am an innocent princess/I am a stud) and Misdirection’s being very common – (aka when you are hanging out in EA mall with the boy gang and your phone rings and you take one look at the screen showing the name Priya Mobile calling and then you say loudly to the guys around you in an exasperated tone- this Preethi,  she just wont leave me alone, that kinda thing) and what sub contexts you are missing out in the seemingly ordinary interplay of conversations between “We Are JUST Friends” who turn out later to have been deep in a relationship and which fact is broadcast only when they finally break up bitterly (and then post status messages on Facebook and Twitter damaging each other).

What is an obstacle?

If you ask the experts, what really makes sure that an ordinary everyday attraction is converted to fierce desire is an obstacle- any obstacle. There can be no desire without an obstacle- because in the absence of any obstacle- you already have (in your mind) the object of your desire or at least an easy means to attain it. Hence desire is in wanting only- something you don’t have now or can’t have right now. Because something else (or someone else) beyond your control is preventing you from obtaining who you want- that someone, most commonly is an existing boyfriend or even worse a previous boyfriend – broken affairs (how can you compete with a guy who is not there anymore to compete with you?) and their cold aftermaths are fierce attractions for most people I know- for it becomes a challenge to their manhood to prove that he is a better person and a more trustworthy person than the one who got away. Or at least that’s what guys tell girls, even if the real reason is the same reason as to  why men went to war against fortified castles. It’s there, it’s closed, it’s strong and it would be a real boost to the ego to break it open and plant your flag there as the victor. Most men don’t have the patience for siege warfare- its open assault with them, but women have all the patience in the world and know all the secret paths into the castle of a man’s heart. When once a woman makes up her mind about a man, it takes a very wise and very strong man to escape being involuntarily forced into falling in love, something most men realize only after the honeymoon phase, when it is too late to escape.

Is a taboo an obstacle?

The commonest obstacle everyone knows about is longing and anticipation of return longing of the object of desire. When you know that you cannot have the object of your desire immediately, even if there is no major obstacle in your path- the very fact that you are made to wait gives rise to what can be called an anticipatory pang of desire where imagination works overtime to create an uncontrollable longing for immediate gratification and failure to do so is unbearably painful and maddening. This is what used to happen in the past- in arranged marriages-  during all those long engagement periods when men often tried to cross the boundaries with their betrothed (haven’t you seen Tamil movies of the 80’s?) - A major taboo in Indian weddings – and a hidden cause for quite a number of weddings being pre-poned hurriedly to the first Muhurtham available. But the modern era of the millennium children with its more indulgent eye for premarital sex between courting and engaged couples has eased this a little, but not much- for nature is nature and the very act of being prohibited from sampling the goods right now, even if you have only a temporary license for it is such a big turn on- that a large number of Beach Resorts on the ECR Road (and Mahabs) are making a good living out of the taboo of pre-marital sex between betrothed parties. If you prohibit anything- interest and desire for it is bound to arise- that’s basic psychology.

The Wrong Girl/Guy:

And speaking of obstacles there is one obstacle that is guaranteed 100% to convert a mild and passing attraction to a passionate and blind desire- and that is the ambivalence at first glance due to a suspicion of unsuitability of the girl or guy. When you are unsure in your own mind of the compatibility of the object of your attraction and you even look on that person with a little repugnance- then that creates an invisible barrier mentally inside you. You know in your heart of hearts that the person you are attracted to is totally your opposite, like say, you are a cheerful, easygoing, ever laughing, extrovert personality and the person you are attracted to is a moody, morose, depressive, introvert, a reserved with a major “R” type. They say opposites attract, and the fact is they do. Because when you abhor someone’s personality, you look down on them and theirpersonality, you feel that they are oh so wrong for you and anything you start with them is going to end in tragedy – the very fact that they are so wrong for you is such a big turn on, that once you overcome your repugnance for that particular person, you will go recklessly into the deepest, blindest desire for the person, regardless of the aftermath. This is how hearts get broken. When the adrenalin rush from danger and the thrill of chasing a total misfit triumphs over plain commonsense. You jump into it like jumping off a cliff knowing you don’t have parachute and yet enjoying the rush of flying free in the air for the few moments till you get killed. But while it lasts there is nothing to beat that feeling of flying free.

So is that "IT" with Bad Girls?

Yes, bad girls are major turn on’s for good guys and vice versa. Tell someone he can’t have that particular girl and suddenly he can’t wait to have her. And if the person telling you “no” is your own brain then your heart rebels even against it. It wants nothing more than what your brain “Veto’s”. And even commonsense is for sometime defeated in the pangs of unrequited desire. But once you make the connection, once you feel that you have achieved the impossible and attained that person, what happens? You wake up and smell the coffee. It’s as if you are coming out of a trance, the parts of your brain which had been shut down due to lack of blood flow start functioning again, and your brain starts telling you “I told you so” sometimes it’s too late and the couple are already hitched in matrimony, but often the wakeup call comes as soon as the first flush of success disappears. Then people wake up and decide that they would rather go through a temporary heartbreak than end up in permanent misery knowingly and a bitter break up follows.

Any Available Remedies?

It’s quite simple, attraction is powerful, desire is all powerful, but neither is a prerequisite for peace of mind. If you find yourself being attracted to a totally opposite type resist. Bad girls are not bad- they are just bad for you, for your long lasting happiness, beyond the initial attraction... Find someone who is as close as possible to you in temperament and personality (not contradictory but complimentary personalities)- that’s the secret behind all successful relationships. The happy with the happy and the miserable with the miserable. They deserve each other. Let them be.

So my Conclusion is simply this….when it comes to matters of the heart, nothing is predictable. People fall for the weirdest partners ever, but they make a success of it because they chose to overlook the weirdness for the parts they like…and only people who are mature enough to separate the wanted and unwanted and weigh them in balance before deciding lead a long happy life. The other kind who rush out of pure animal magnetism and adrenalin kick, soon find themselves nursing broken hearts and wondering why. Choose carefully, take your time but once in – OVERLOOK- that’s the secret to success in relationships..

(P.s. Pics courtesy Google Images)

Fools Advice...Wise Do

People who are married automatically assume that they are qualified to give singles advice on marital affairs..inspite of the fact that the singles maybe so much more cleverer and successful in life than the married idiots. Merely getting married does not qualify you as an expert in marital affairs- thats what paid counsellors are for. The reason I am delaying getting married is I am still searching for someone to choose who fits my requirements and I will do so - the minute that person turns up.

After getting a lot of unsolicited advice on what "kind" of girl to choose to marry....I am frankly fed up of all the people who tell me to marry ugly girls...Just because they have had the bad luck to end up with women who turn their stomachs, should I do too? Tell me the truth, would anyone marry an ugly person, if they had a better choice or option? willingly choose to commit suicide or what?

Am I not old enough to know what I want? to choose a life partner for myself? The only thing I want my wife to be is

" YOUNG AND SLENDER
SOFT AND TENDER"

That is my mantra for searching a bride....unfortunately no one (including my parents) understand this- they look for stuff like status, family background etc without taking into consideration that the secret of success in a marriage is sexual compatibility. If you cannot get a raise on seeing your wife- your marriage is doomed. All other things like education, job, horoscope match are absolutely of no interest to me.

Besides, I have everything else- money, status etc. All I want is a beautiful girl to spice up my life and make my blood heat-up....and I will give her everything she wants..now where can I find such a girl?

My Small. Small, wishes.....(Chinna, chinna asai...Chotti si asha)

Lots of people have lots of expectations when it comes to their marital lives and I am no exception to it. But, heres the caveat, my expectations are all quite small and remarkably silly- hope my future wife doesnt fall down with laughter on hearing about them.....

1) Bed Coffee/Good Morning- to be woken up early (not too early) on a sunday morning with a steaming cup of filter Coffee by my wife who has freshly showered and has her hair tied up and draped in a wet towel and smiling at me....(instead of screaming- are you still asleep when there is so much work to do?)

2) Sitting and watching an-ever running TV serial with my wife - on the rare day I am early at home- and discussing the story twists taking place in the serial over the past one year or so......just sitting and talking about useless stuff.

3) Morning when I am leaving for office- and I tell my wife to lock the door and I go out- she closes the door but still keeps a small crack open and leans there waiting and watching me till my car finally leaves- not banging the door in my face and saying good riddance/just go to office.

4) When she makes some special dish for me and serves me- she takes it up in her fingers and feeds it to me in my mouth (like for a child) despite my protestations of "thats enough, thats enough" - instead of saying come on get up- you have had enough and your tummy's growing.

5) When I am worried and depressed and come over to the house in a despondent mood- she just takes my hand in hers and says - "whatever the problem, I am here with you, dont worry" - actually she doesnt have to say those words out loud, just a meaningful look would be enough.

I dont know how many of these i am actually gonna see happen in my life- but if i get an understanding wife - I might give her the link to this blog post and see if (after her initial hilarity) she might try and grant me one or two atleast of my small, small wishes. They might all seem silly to her- but if she loves me then she woudt mind doing a few sily things to please me - if thats what I want. Hope I get an understanding wife...

P.S. I do have some more ultimate fantasies (of marital life) -things involoving sleevless nighties and other X-rated stuff- but they are too personal to share on the Internet....they are only for my wife's ears.

Friends Vs Family.......

Ok! Ok! It doesn't have to be that way. I can hear the groans and objections. But this is a topic which has really come to my close and personal attention recently. Two different individuals with their name's starting on P. and of different genders are the protagonists of todays post.

P-1: an average human being, a totally loyal friend but a recluse to other social relationships and sticks to, at the most, one or two close friends. But Post-marriage there is an instant make-over. Forgets everyone but his better half and is now totally obsessed with leading a "happy family life".

P-2: an average human being, gregarious, verbose, with lots and lots of friends(& admirers)- preferably of the opposite sex. Post-commitment (in a marital relationship)- prefers to still hang out at parties and spend more time with old friends leading to an early and entirely avoidable break-up- with the long suffering partner. Friends remain- marital happiness/family life Gone.

My ADVICE (for what its worth):

P-1 is an easier case to cure - once he gets over the still continuing honey-moon obsession- is bound to return to the earth sooner or later. And you cant always keep obsessing about sex- you need other relationships too. So P-1 will very soon run out of topics to discuss with his new wife- having exhausted everything and come back to his friends. So hold on a little more guys. The guy after all is setting a good example- loving his wife more than any one else in this world- prefering her over his friends- for afterall she is gonna be there for him till the end of his life.

P-2's is the more difficult case. First of all P-2 doens't realize that what she is doing is even wrong. She keeps justfying that her friends are important. Yes. But family is always more important than friends. Infintely more important. Friends can forget you, avoid you, ditch you, get transferred out, change jobs, leave the city, anything. Family stays with you (no other option) always- same city, same house, same room. You can always make new friends - but the laws of this country makes it so much more difficult to get a new husband everytime you are dissatisfied with one.

More importantly- you can always say "NO" to a friend- if he calls you for a dinner date, or a movie or a vacation. There is no such friendship which exists where you say "how can i say No? he is such an old friend?" Precisely because he is such an old friend - he should realize he is old news and move away gently of his own accord. If he fails to do so but insists on contnuing his old and cozy relationship even after you get engaged/married- and insists on his rights to take you out whenever/wherever he wants- then it is a false friendship and he is definitely taking advantage of you(P-2) in the guise of friendship.

P-2 is stupid to sacrifice all family ties for a stupid old memory- of old college friendships. A lady should learn to say "NO"- to everyone including her friends. If not- you will be made a joke among the same friends- about what a girl of loose morals you are- if you always agree to their plans and are always available to them and never refuse them when they insist. How many men friends will you accomodate like this? And how can you blame the poor guy- your hubby- if he feels naturally jealous and possessive? will you let him go - if his old college girlfriends drop by suddenly into his office to pick him up and take him away to a late and intimate dinner party- right on your anniversary? Will you even then say that his (ex-girl)friends are more important than you- the wife?

My advice to P-2 would be to forget your friends wholesale- you can always make new and more interesting ones later- right now concentrate on your relationship and dont wreck it. Go to counselling with your partner and resolve the pending issues between you two- with a frank talk. Or take a vacation together- and before you go erase your address book or get a new SIM card. No friendship is worth the sacrifice of a stable and happy married life. You have got a whole life coming up for you stupid lady - dont waste it by living in the Past. Or else you should never have married- but continued to drink/party with your friends in beach resorts- till you get old & ugly/or your so-called friends marry and drop you themselves- whichever happens earlier.

I am going to send the link to this post to both of you- P-1 and P-2- you know who you are sweeties- both of you are dear to me. As a neutral observer and a True friend to you- I take the privilege of advising you both...bear with me.

To Wed or Not To Wed- That is the Question?!****

Ita been a long time since my last post and the fault lies soley with my tranquil mind till date - I was not experiencing any heady emotion to inspire me to rant on these pages. Enough said.

Now I'm going to try and use these pages to clear my mind of a particularly important dilemna I have been facing in the recent past - to wit - the change of my marital status. Trust me - I'm not inclined to either side yet and prefer to keep an open mind. So I'm going to discuss my options here - and if I'm a little brutal - please excuse ...

PARENTAL ADVISORY - The following paras will contain words offensive to delicate-darlings who are requested not to proceed...

With that out of the way lets proceed...

Why should I marry? I'm going to list a few of the reasons society advances to men for getting married (as my friends keep reminding me). The list is not exhaustive , but I think I'll discuss the least important stuff first (Sex & Food- are the topmost things in any guys mind) and go on to matters of increasing importance (like Love, Friendship, Companionship)....And i'm not gonna worry about being politically correct or being called a male-chauvinist or whatever- this stuff is gut-real, these questions are what goes through an average guy's mind when he is selecting, what's aptly called " A Life Partner" (P.s.- you either mate for life or prepare to get killed is the code under which girls down south marry)

PRO: -Have someone to talk to in my old, old age. - I specifically dont mention hearing as I am well aware no wife hears her husband's speech after the honeymoon period is over.

CON: - I'm not much of a talker even now - I rarely speak to anyone and prefer to communicate by SMS.

PRO: - Sex. Can have Free Safe Sex - any time in the confines of home.

CON: - Free? In my dreams - I will be paying with a lifetime of bondage, restricted options for browsing (with attached guilty feelings), explanations to offer every time I ogle a beautiful girl passing by, and as for any time sex- its simply not in my hands is it? there would be so many moody issues to confront...

PRO: - Food - specifically- healthy home cooked food.

CON: - Yah, as long as I cook it myself. Seriously of the Four Girls I have visited as part of my official sight-seeing delegation - Not One - has professed any talent/interest in cooking for me the rest of her life.

PRO:- Love, Friendship, Affection...

CON: - Hah! Hah! Seriously do I even have to reflect on this. I'd be a hopeless romantic if I expected any of the above from an arranged marriage - atleast not until we have lived together for atleast twenty years , when I'd recieve the familiar affection we often give to long-in-use heirlooms or family pets...

PRO: - Advisor, Counsellor, Guide and Friend - ARDHA-NARI Concept - Like Lord Shiva who shares everything equally with his Consort the Goddess Parvati..

CON: - While at it, why not I dream for a Lawyer, Doctor, Auditor and Finacial Consultant all rolled into one? Seriously, Girls these days are so into themselves that to ask for counsel(selfless) is to invite the reply - It's your life, buddy, do what you want..Can't expect my wife to advice/counsel me without being charged a hefty consultation fees.

And right now I'm running to a deadline because my parents have given me an ultimatum to decide on one of two options - they have given me as they seem fed up by my endless ditherings, doubts and postponements. Or else they threaten to withdraw from the deal entirely allowing me to go my own way and choose my own mate. Which is the worst possible scenario I can imagine.

For some reason, I am unable to explain, its been my fate to attract and date girls as far removed from me as possible - in nature, character and intelligence. They have been all, without exception, semi-starved, fashion conscious, stick-thin types with (in recent years) a preponderance of models and actresses among them (as I started moving in the golden circles of Chennai society) And as for me, I cannot for the life of me remember to differentiate a Gucci from a Prada and the only Diesel I'm in contact with is dispensed at the petrol pumps. Being with empty headed beauty babes has been fun but it has given me a decided distaste for the supposed bliss of marital life

So, to come back to my original question - Is it time to make a choice? To close my eyes, put my finger on a photo and marry that girl, whoever is it? Well, its action time in my life- as I'm on the verge of making my decision.

GOD HELP ME......( the writer of this blog has taken time out to go and vomit his guts out -will be back soon-hopefully). Adios