The Happy Barter Technique Of A Successful Married Life

 The Happy Barter Technique Of A Successful Married Life.

So I often find myself in the incredible position of having the “sex talk” with adults (who should know better) far many more times than I like to. For someone who rarely gets to have sex it’s so hard to understand how I find myself in this position of giving advice on hmmmm…positions and what not. I mean if you ask me flat out what makes me such an expert on sex (other than the fact that I am hung up so large?) I would just have to shake my head and say I don’t know- you just have to ask those poor mutts who keep consulting me for counseling. Anyways to get back to the story at hand – a couple days ago this guy who is a recent acquaintance walks into the room and sinking down comfy on the sofa says he is fed up of his wife and plans to divorce her. When I probed gently as to why he became so fed up of the wifey he confessed that lately everything at home felt strange, foreign and like a mall...I kid you not ladies and gents- he used the term “like a mall”….

Now this could not go unopposed- despite my better sense telling me not to probe further and get told another unwanted sob story I asked him to elaborate the meaning of the mall. He said “you know “the buy me this or buy me that” if you want to have sex tonight thing”. I demurely shook my head and said “I don’t...know I mean, anyway don’t tell me you didn’t buy gifts for her while you were courting, a mobile phone for a kiss, stuff like that which fool men in love do”. He grinned sheepishly and said “yeah, but that was then, this is now. Back then I was a carefree bachelor, now I have to support a family- wife and kids you know, school fees, uniforms, books, tuitions and all that and in addition to all that- paying money for sex every time sticks in my craw, I mean its not cheap- even if its at home”. I nodded wisely- “yes of course it’s not cheap- if you want to do it every night, so why don’t you just stick to salary nights, you know, the way they show in Tamil films- the salary cover, jasmine flower, tirunelvi alwa thingy?” 

He looked at me as if I couldn’t grasp his internal anguish at all and said – “but then what’s the point of being married? If you cant have it as often as you want? And have to pay for it every time?” I shook my head sagely and said – “ha, ha that’s where you are wrong- marriage is not a license for just sex- there are a lot more stuff involved. And it’s a fact of life that you – the man has to pay for sex every time- accept it -it will make your life easier in the long run. By the bye an unmarried man can pay for sex with different persons every time- a married man has to by default pay for sex with the same woman every time- that how society has evolved from the apes to humans as a civilization. One way or the other we all have to pay for sex- so stop cribbing about it and go home to your wife. And here – I will forward you this sms I received from an unknown benefactor who promises to give personal loan of 10 lakhs without any collateral. Do talk to them and get the amount- should suffice you for sex with your wife for the next ten years. And after that, who knows? Let’s hope she gives you something free and extra- as customer loyalty bonus. Best of luck dude”. With which I ended the lecture and showed him the way back to the bosom of his….errr…loving family.

P.S. if any of you ladies who are reading this get incensed at me for writing this candid expose, please put your hand over your heart and ask yourself if you have ever, never used the “withholding sex technique” to get something else from your hubby dearest? If not- I salute you. If yes- It’s all in the family, right?

Conditions Apply

Conditions Apply

Disclaimer: A long, long personal rant on a few things which have been bothering me of late. If you are single- do read on. If you are married- well, this will be purely academic for you.

There has been a spate of articles in recent months making fun of arranged marriages. But the one which struck a false note with me was the one in Tehelka magazine written by a newbie author promoting her upcoming book which ridicules all the various misadventures of bumbling men during personal interviews in the girl seeing ceremony of arranged weddings. I hate making sweeping generalizations and prefer letting each talk for themselves but in this instance I would like to add a few nuggets of information from the other side of the fence- the male point of view.

The prime reason most Indian men trip over their own feet in such personal interviews is that as a rule Indian men are not used to talking to girls casually, especially to strange girls they are meeting for the first time ever and with the added pressure of doing it under the hawk like supervision of both sets of parents. Can you ever imagine dating under parental supervision? Especially a first date with its own set of chances for misunderstandings? And to extend it further - a situation where you are under the clock on that brief first date itself to decide whether you like the person enough to spend the rest of your life with them? And to watch out for nuances in meaning and insinuations in the most casual of sentences and to still be a charming conversationalist is a gift beyond the average Indian male.

Most men spend years picking up courage to talk causally even to their classmates and colleagues at work and to be challenged suddenly to do it in a arranged wedding setup simply freezes their vocal cords. Besides at girl seeing ceremonies the average Indian male prefers to ogle at his would-be-brides external charms and rarely worry about trying to impress them with his wit and charms. After all if he has been allowed in so far as to qualify for a personal interview then it goes without saying he has successfully jumped through the preliminary hoops and bounds placed by the girl’s family. And most of the really serious issues are negotiated by the two sets of parents beforehand without involving the groom and bride- the very raison d’être of an arranged wedding.

But sometimes despite all the best efforts of the parents the groom or the bride can end up damaging the most promising of arranged weddings and this happens usually during those brief girl-boy chats we are discussing here. Speaking personally whenever I go to see a girl I hope there is no opportunity to speak at all. For one, it minimizes the chances of any misunderstandings being blamed on me later on. But mainly it’s because I find that whenever I get to speak with a girl as part of an arranged marriage - the entire time our parents allow us to talk personally is monopolized by the girl bargaining hard as if we are at a fish market.

Although it’s easy to pass off my experiences as isolated instances still i have made an effort to find out if they are indeed one-off experiences or the general norm nowadays and so from my extensive talks with various other unmarried, sailing in the same boat, guys in my friends/acquaintances list (confessions wrangled out from unsuspecting persons) I find that girls nowadays spend all their times making up to-do lists and conditions to put to the groom during the personal interviews. These range from the most basic (and laughable rules) to absolutely idiotic conditions which no sane person would ever agree to. Casual every day stuff on life together which can be discussed informally later on after marriage (and preferably in bed) are elevated to make or break conditions which are negotiated with all the zeal of a multi-billion dollar contract. Much ado is made about little things. All the talk is about rights and nary a whisper about its other side- duties. 

 When one person keeps demanding and demanding - the other person is bound to start seeing things in a different light too, right? What should be a romantic discussion about a rosy future together is suddenly turned into an item by item checklist to be negotiated no-holds bared. It takes all the romance out of a wedding and just paves the way for continuous fights post-marriage. The very spirit of give and take in a marriage is given a go by when it is firmly established right in the beginning that you have to fight for everything. With such an auspicious start to marital life do you wonder at the skyrocketing divorce rates? If all that a girl is looking for is to just start a fight with a man, then she should join the World Wrestling Federation and give a bye to marriage. People marry to lead a normal peaceful life, not to indulge in competitive one-upmanship

Now, I can hear some women saying hold on, this is too one-sided and how will we ever get anything we want out of men if we don’t negotiate for it pre-wedding. Well, ladies have you heard of the magic word, please? It moves mountains especially when asked by the correct person and in the correct tone and time. Half the art of negotiation lies in knowing when to ask and not in bludgeoning men with take it or leave it conditions. Power, if you didn’t know it is not given but taken. Take it by yourself and your own that man. Ask for it, fight for it or negotiate for it and you have already lost the initiative.

Which brings me to my pet peeve- feminists - who have so inverted the male/female dynamics as to change it from a complementary relationship to an antagonistic relationship. Some of the position of neo-feminist is absolutely bizarre. Like ridiculing men for being shallow over the looks of the would-be wife. Remember, beauty is highly subjective and what’s good for the goose may not be etc. for example, when I was at college i used to go all drooling on short, cute girls wearing spectacles and looking bookish and nerdy so much so that when one of my friends saw any such one they would all start making fun of what they called "your type".  But as I grew older my tastes changed and now I don’t exclusively like short girls only. And if any woman takes umbrage at me for this preference based on looks only let me ask straight out whether the rule about not being shallow applies to men only? 

For example I have seen so many instances of women outraging over matrimonial advertisements when a guy demands a fair/beautiful bride but how many women actually agree to marry a normal looking guy who just looks his age? Don’t all marriageable age women ask their parents for a rich, well settled and handsome guy? Someone with a six digit salary and six pack abs? Has any girl ever, ever told her parents that all she looks for in a guy is a good and loving heart? Have you ever seen any matrimonial ad from a girl which says dusky or short or geeky or bespectacled or bald boys preferred?  Or even accepted? First time itself? Now don’t be hypocritical ladies and start lying that you did- you know in your hearts that you didn’t. Should there be different standards for different people? As human beings we all have our fantasies (politically correct or not) -and wishing for them to be fulfilled is not wrong as such. Preaching to others will not make a change till you show by example.

So my conclusion is -it takes two to fight. If you decide to ambush an unsuspecting guy with conditions and rules expect to face in turn some hard bargaining. If on the other hand you trust to love and affection to make everything right (somehow) in the end, providence (karma) will play its role and reward you with a happy marital life. What you give is what you get- cynicism breeds cynicism and trust breeds trust. So stop blaming men alone - we share only half of it. And before you start making fun of men for bumbling into arranged marriages reflect that you too are in the same boat because you are sitting on the other end of it. I rest my case.

The Sins of the Parents

The Sins of the Parents

There was quite a bit of furor in the hospital wards as I entered today. I was in a bit of a hurry to catch the attendance so I didn’t bother to stop and inquire till after I successfully finger printed myself in the biometric machine after the mandatory 3 tries it takes daily to recognize me. Once that important part of my duty done, I naturally drifted back to where the arguments were going on to catch up on the latest gossip.

The facts of the case as explained to me by the nurses was this -a pregnant lady had been brought in the early hours of the night in an advanced delivery state with the child caught up in an awkward position halfway down the womb and hence causing severe bleeding in the mother. The duty doctor had attempted an emergency cesarean and in a twist of fate the child had survived somehow but the mother exhausted beyond her body's capacity to endure had died soon after the childbirth. 

And then had started all the confusion. When asked about the next of kin to hand over the child and the dead person, the people who had brought the lady in for emergency admission declined to accept responsibility for they said that they were just the neighbors of the dead woman. They had overheard the woman screaming alone in her house from the labor pains, had rushed in to see what was up and then seeing her condition had put her in an auto and brought her to the hospital for treatment out of humanitarian grounds only.

After much cajoling and threatening the nursing staff finally found out the address of the dead woman’s parents from them. When they contacted the parents of the dead woman, they had rushed in wailing and screaming at their loss and after the mandatory scene-creation, they said they would accept the body of their daughter only and not the living child who was no relation of theirs. The nurses automatically assumed that this was one more of those love stories/elopements where the parents are dead against the couples even if they are dead.

But there was a further twist to this story. When the parents of the dead woman finally got to control their grief they gave the name (and address) of their son-in-law and suggested that he be summoned to take guardianship of the child. So then the hospital authorities called up the husband of the dead woman and he arrived to everyone’s surprise with a lawyer in tow. The guy was a minor official in some government department and had decided to take an official approach to everything by letting his lawyer speak on his behalf.

The story the lawyer told was that the lady in question, had married his client an year ago and right from the beginning had been creating problems for him. After a couple of weeks she had come right out and said that she had been forced into marriage with him against her will by her parents as she was already in love with an auto driver near her college who looked as smart as the actor Surya – the smart action hero(as described in her dialogue it seems). But the parents had objected to their love and had hurriedly married off to this guy, a government officer, who looks like the comedian S.V. Shekar (her own dialogue again).

The result of this midnight confession by the girl to her husband was seen right the next day when she had disappeared from her husband’s house after saying she was off to visit her parents for a day or two. When the husband learnt she was missing, he was in a panic and so contacted his lawyer first - because there is an obscure little law in the Indian Penal Code which says that any wife who dies within the first 7 years of the marriage is supposed to have been murdered by her husband and it carries the death penalty for the husband (a law which was originally made to prevent the exploding stove deaths but now widely misused for other reasons by our friendly neighborhood police force)

Anyhow the family lawyer had suggested that they give an official police complaint to safeguard themselves- which the husband promptly did. And our efficient Chennai police immediately located the missing woman by enquiring at the local auto stand of her lover boy. They traced her to the house where she was living happily with her lover, the auto driver. When the husband was informed of this by the police, he had called at his in-laws place and told them he was washing his hands off their daughter and he would divorce her after the mandatory two year waiting period specified by law for a divorce.

Meanwhile the girl who was living her dream life with her lover got a jolt of reality when she became pregnant and discovered by chance that her dream boy had another family in another town- at his native place. Frequent quarrels had resulted from this and the woman had made an attempt to commit suicide more than once but had somehow survived. Meanwhile as the date of her delivery neared the auto driver had one final quarrel with her and disappeared after telling her that he was going back to his original wife and kids back in his hometown. The woman who had been left alone survived for a few days till she had died in childbirth.

So now the husband (the official one) refused to take custody of the child saying it was not his but the illegitimate offspring of an affair. The parents had refused to take the child saying it was not their grandchild. Finally with no one willing to take responsibility for the child, the hospital authorities had no choice but to dispatch the child to an orphanage. And that’s the story i heard this morning to start off my working day.

What this story reminded me of immediately was the recent Madras High Court’s judgment on pre-marital sex which was widely reported in all the newspapers and which ruled that any couple found sleeping together being considered as officially married. But that should by rights, apply only to two people who have sex exclusively with each other. But what happens when extra marital affairs like this happens? The woman legally married one man and had a child with another man. Now both of them are refusing to accept the child as their own despite the high court’s judgment that she is now "legally" married to both of them at the same time- the minute she slept with both. Quite confusing isn’t it?

Human relationships are often complicated. We human beings often let our hearts rule over our heads when it comes to love. We also react emotionally to any issue which affects our happiness- that’s why we often say, in our excuse, I am only human. But we should also remember that our actions have consequences, maybe not immediately apparent but nevertheless real. And the persons who might get affected by our thoughtless (and selfish) actions are often other innocents- like the child in this case. For the child was accepted by neither the hero Surya nor the comedian S.V.Sekar finally.

So though I am a big fan of love, I do believe that the right time to fight for love is before the marriage- at least the night before the wedding or even at the altar, right up to the last minute before the ceremony (remember Julia Roberts in the movie Runaway Bride?). But not after the wedding ceremony is over and thou art wed has been pronounced. If so it will definitely end up in a tragedy for everyone.

And one final word at the risk of falling afoul of the law. Relationships (families) are often complicated and messy, but they somehow pull through in the end. The Law was evolved (over thousands of years) to punish criminals and keep peace in the society and not to hang around the bedrooms and decide who is married to whom, based on who slept with whom. Don’t you have murderers and rapists to hang, your honorable justices? So why are you pushing together two people who do not want to do so by free will, to live together in the name of the law? Do you really think it will last, marriages made in fear of punishment? Will there be any kind of happiness in it, when two people are forced to live with each other just to avoid being sent to jail? I really don’t know…maybe someone who has experienced it will enlighten me, if a marriage made in fear can work well.

Living Our Life For Ourselves

(Disclaimer: This post is not intended to hurt or to be judgmental about anyone, just a reflection of my alternate viewpoint as per my blogs credo of “Hear the other side”)

Recently I happened to read a blog referred to me by a friend who went gaga in her praise over it. I was intrigued and finding some free time recently, I went over to that blog and read a few posts. It is primarily a personal blog with the blogger writing about her struggles in life and relationships. The writing was good and the blogger seems to have no inhibitions in writing long posts but expresses herself regardless of word limit, unlike your truly, who cringes every time the word limit crosses a thousand, for I feel that if I can’t say anything I want to say in a thousand words then I am probably better off writing a book about it rather than blog on it.

  

Anyway, an interesting post of her was all about her creepy ex-boyfriend, who had an affair with another girl and ditched this one on the verge of marriage. From what she says of her ex- the guy looks like a perfect egomaniac (and isn’t that how we would all describe our exes?) and the relationship looks so obviously mismatched right from the beginning that any sane person would have asked right at the beginning “where’s the catch?”  But, when you are in love the sane part of your brain temporarily closes down, girls believe in the concept of the fair and handsome prince riding up to rescue them from a humdrum existence and all such candy floss stories till they wake up and smell the coffee and start cursing the coffee maker. 

And this particular girl had a double whammy coming to her. She had a business relationship with her ex-boyfriend it seems, a start-up firm of some kind. And having lost both the ex and the business at the same shattering moment, she writes of her struggles to establish a successful business just to show him she can. That precisely is where she lost me. To show him. She should have just deleted for ever from her mind- that creepy, cheating, double-dealing psychopath of an ex-boyfriend. I mean she had done it all - working hard, establishing her own business, being a success and if only she had done it all for herself, then I would have applauded her spirit wholeheartedly. But to do it just to make a point to her ex- is like showing that she still hasn’t learnt her lesson, even from her failed relationship. She does not esteem her success for herself but looks for outside validation, in this instance from the worst possible person she could think of, her ex lover. I mean if you are rich and successful all by your own hard work, you don’t need to go out there and rub it in your enemies’ faces to make them jealous do you? The very fact of your success is a slap on their face, especially if you keep it subtle and not attribute it to the effect they had on you. You don’t have to prove anything, especially not to an ex. Well, I may be pre-judging her, without knowing the real facts (if so I apologize profusely, a thousand pardons), after reading just her blog, but this was how it read to me.

Anyway, the point of this post is about showing our exes. We have all had our share of failed relationships don’t we? If anyone says not, either they are lying, or they are too young to be reading my blog. And as we move on in life, it is a struggle not to let the baggage of that failed relationship drag us down. To move on with a lot of those bitter memories dragging you back is to set yourself up for future loss too. One person is not another person- just because the gender is the same. In any given situation people will always react different and you cannot predict their behavior. If you start letting a past toxic relationship poison you against other people you meet, then you are letting yourself in for a future as the lonely old cat lady (or cat gentleman) as the case maybe.

There is a reason that forgive and forget is considered as one of the greatest of virtues, it not only heals you of any lingering hatred, it leaves you free to continue to believe in a rosy future as if the shit which happened before did not happen. Why continue to wallow in the muck of past memories, when everyday you wake up and everywhere you go, a fresh start awaits you. IF. You permit yourself. If you let go. If you move on. IF ....

So go out there, open your heart, trust someone, be vulnerable again, fall in love, make a fresh start, love them with all your heart, show them your insecurities, forgive each other’s mistakes, embrace each other’s happiness, live life fully, with your soul mate. Or get yourself one cat to start with. Your choice.