Forgive Me My Sins...God.....I confess.

Forgive me my Lord, for I have sinned. These words should have been said in a church in front of God, but God is supposed to be everywhere and if so, I am sure he will be reading this blog post too and will forgive my sins after reading them here.

Everyone of us - when we look in the mirror- always think we are the good guys and our enemies are evil. Are they? Do we really believe that? or is it a convenient way to shift blame on to them for what we do? All through my life I have thought that I have been more sinned against than been a sinner. But that doesnt give me the right to hurt others does it? I cant take my hatred and anger and disappointments in my personal life and show it on others totally unconnected with it. That makes me a weak person- a coward. My anger and my frustrations at my own faults should be addressed by myself- not dirested towards others. I realize this and hope to change my behaviour- but it's tough, very tough. For that, give me your Help, God. Help Me.

My next big fault is my Jealousy- I am jealous of others (people I know) in love- insanely jealous of couples (in my friends circle) who go by bike hugging each other- i feel that it should have been me the girl is hugging and not the other guy- I know its extremely wrong of me- but cant help it. I always wanted to do the same and never having got the chance to do it ever in my life - i get incredibly jealous when i watch someone else do it. I may not be lucky in this life to do it- But God please help me bear it without getting frustrated at others good luck. Help me control my jealousy at others happpiness.

My sharp tongue is my other big fault- not being able to control my temper- i lash out at others with my sharp tongue (or my even sharper pen)- its out of pure frustration at not being able to change anything in my life- not being able to control any part of my life- i show it all out in anger- especially towards people close to me- beacuse i know their weak spots- its easier to hurt people we love than total strangers we know nothing about. Its weak, wrong behaviour- so God, give me the strength to change myself.

I have a lot of things going wrong in my life right now- i feel like i have absolutely no future- and am doomed to lead a useless life- so like a blind man with a sharp sword in his hand and imaginary enemies all around him- i am turning round and round- hitting blindly at everyone around me. Help me with your patience, Lord- give me the strength to accept that which I cannot change. One day soon i will give up this materialistic life and come to accept the true path of sanyasam, but i dont want to do it like this- with hatred and anger, and frustrations in my life. A true sanyasi is someone who goes to find God with true peace in his heart- for that i should first beg forgivenes from others I have hurt and forgive those who have hurt me. Otherwise i will be only a false sanyasi.

So, help me Lord- give me the courage to ask forgiveness of those I have sinned against- help me crush my pride and destroy my ego- save me from my frustrations and depressions, and cure me from my anger. I promise to always think before I talk something and think twice before i say something - to avoid hurting others even accidentally. So forgive me my Lord, My sins and lead me onto the path of Salvation. Amen

My Small. Small, wishes.....(Chinna, chinna asai...Chotti si asha)

Lots of people have lots of expectations when it comes to their marital lives and I am no exception to it. But, heres the caveat, my expectations are all quite small and remarkably silly- hope my future wife doesnt fall down with laughter on hearing about them.....

1) Bed Coffee/Good Morning- to be woken up early (not too early) on a sunday morning with a steaming cup of filter Coffee by my wife who has freshly showered and has her hair tied up and draped in a wet towel and smiling at me....(instead of screaming- are you still asleep when there is so much work to do?)

2) Sitting and watching an-ever running TV serial with my wife - on the rare day I am early at home- and discussing the story twists taking place in the serial over the past one year or so......just sitting and talking about useless stuff.

3) Morning when I am leaving for office- and I tell my wife to lock the door and I go out- she closes the door but still keeps a small crack open and leans there waiting and watching me till my car finally leaves- not banging the door in my face and saying good riddance/just go to office.

4) When she makes some special dish for me and serves me- she takes it up in her fingers and feeds it to me in my mouth (like for a child) despite my protestations of "thats enough, thats enough" - instead of saying come on get up- you have had enough and your tummy's growing.

5) When I am worried and depressed and come over to the house in a despondent mood- she just takes my hand in hers and says - "whatever the problem, I am here with you, dont worry" - actually she doesnt have to say those words out loud, just a meaningful look would be enough.

I dont know how many of these i am actually gonna see happen in my life- but if i get an understanding wife - I might give her the link to this blog post and see if (after her initial hilarity) she might try and grant me one or two atleast of my small, small wishes. They might all seem silly to her- but if she loves me then she woudt mind doing a few sily things to please me - if thats what I want. Hope I get an understanding wife...

P.S. I do have some more ultimate fantasies (of marital life) -things involoving sleevless nighties and other X-rated stuff- but they are too personal to share on the Internet....they are only for my wife's ears.

The Percentages of Love

Those who dont fall in love with gay abandon are apt to end in failed relationships for the seeds of mistrust are whats holding you back...

Thats what I firmly believe and it was proved true by a interesting story I heard today as part of my un-official duty of acting as father-confessor/agony aunty to myriad young couples in love- who often assume erroneously that as a dispassionate observer I can provide understanding to what went wrong in their relationships. Sorry to say, I dont have that much experience of love, although I do of life and in that capacity I offer my commonsense advice and nothing more.

To get back to the story, there was this girl I had known for some time who came to me with the story of breaking up with her boyfriend whom she had caught texting another girl while in a relationship with her.."What is the meaning of relationship?" she asked me rhetorically "Isnt it about exclusivity? when you date someone and love someone- then you are supposed to love only that person at that time - atleast until you are with that person- you cant date anyone else, can you?" which was all perfectly sensible and I agreed with her- until she dropped the bomb."And thats why" she continued "I never trusted him fully and I never allowed him to take any advantage of me....that saved me, for I have escaped lightly and am free to find Mr.Right" she said and paused for my approval- I being a strong (and vocal) advocate for abstinence(before marriage) among my friends circle.

But in this case- I wouldnt support her. I felt then and still do- that what she did was wrong. If she never fullly trusted him....then how could she have loved him? Was what they shared love? How can you love somebody and still hold yourself back without giving yourself fully upto him- and I mean not in the physical sense. But heart-wise and love -wise. How can you can just love a bit and not-all out? I dont understand. You either love (and trust) or you dont..if not what the hell are you doing with that guy? What business do you have murmuring i love you's and planning marriage's when you dont even fully trust him.

Love is not love if there is anything less than 100%- even 99% is a failure- a cheat. Trust but verify is for politics- not for love. You either love or you dont- there is no middle ground. And if you love someone- you never hold back or have back-up, like if this guy cheats me- i have that other guy to fall back on. I am sorry, but thats not done. And if you truly loved someone- it would take some time for you to even recover from a break-up- you wouldnt be searching for a replacement boyfriend immediately. But of course, I said none of these things straight to her face- but just kept my peace- but she went down considerably in my opinion.

So an advice to all my young friends- if you really truly love somebody- give your ALL to the love- dont hold back- that is a sure sign of failure- and you are dooming your relationship right from the beginning. Mistrust leads to more mistrust, more doubts and before you know you have ruined a relationship which could have been with your soul-mate. And never ever think about back-up for marriage when you are in love- thats the sign of it all getting over. Having sex when you are in love is not wrong- having sex to just get married (to convince the other person)- is wrong.
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Shallow Hall-II

Reader Discretion Advised: This post will be a Sexist, intolerant, rant of deeply personal feelings and if you are prepared to read about another Shallow Hall- go on...

Changing the finish line....just when you are about to cross it. Yep! thats exactly how i feel - given the lemon's life has given me...and please dont tell me to make lemonade with them- i hate it. Anyway to get back to the title- it refers to the on-going (ever-lasting?) search for my perfect bride.

Long, long ago, back when I was in college and looking like an awkaward geek (still am, by the way) I used to burn with envy at the coole dudes picking up all the good-looking dames on campus and just leaving us the crumbs...which out of principle (or sheer pique) I refused to partake of. A wise(?) old friend, a senior, took me aside and told me the "SECRET" to get a mind-blowing girl in my life.

The only way, he said, that guys like us can end up with the pick of the crop, is to study well, work hard, get an awesome job, makes lottsa money and then let our parents use our newly-acquired status and assets to buy us the best-looking model on display which we fancy.(P.S- we are talking about girls here- not cars). Those fancy studs woo these stupid girls, have a relationship (exploit them) and finally ditch them. Voila, they see sense and finally end up marrying someone like us for the safety, security and status- was what was drilled into my head by all those senior students at college who formed an Anti-love clique which openly dissuaded (with threats) people who tried to hook up with each other.

I took it all to heart - as I found it all eminently sensible- there was I knew, no way I could ever on my own (with my non-existent good-looks)- land a girl who was even half-way interesting or for that matter good-looking. I would have to buy them in the arranged marriage market through my position and financial power. And so at quite a young age (my teenage years- when everyone else around me was dating, except me) I gave up all hopes of love (or even looking at random girls) girded my loins, went to work- studied hard, worked hard, earned hard, saved hard- to achieve everything on the list marked above. And now when i finally stand back and look at what i have achieved- its time to pat myself on the back and say- Job well done. But here's the snag.

Now that I am well educated, well setled, well earning and have asked my parents to find me a girl- they seem to specialize in bringing to my approval - the very crumbs that no one (even I) used to reject at college. Again and again they seem to bring up proposals for the left-overs. Is this what I slaved all those late-nights for, sacrificed all thos years of not watching films (I love fims) for? Cant I....(change to) "Shouldnt" I get a goo-looking girl? Dont iI deserve one? after all these years of working my butt off, living like a monk (to get a good character- for the marriage market), never wavering or losing concentration and after finally achieving a substantial status in life cant I/dont I deserve even a marginally good looking girl? someone i can flaunt to the world and say- look, I am not a loser..dont you see this good-looking girl on my arm? I have arrived....

Call me Shallow Hall if you wish- I am not at all interested in "inner beauty"- i want only external beauty- as compensation for all those years of bloody hard work- And now i feel cheated of my prize - just when i am about to cross the finish line...whose fault is it? My parents? Fate? or those bloody Seniors at college?
Whose? Who should i blame?