Saturday, November 27, 2010

Neighbours Envy & Owners Pride.....

I had this weird experience recently when I was jolted out of my everyday existence by a astonishing new discovery. As the saying havent seen anything yet. Life will often surprise you when you least expect it to. And I certainly hadn't seen the surprise I ended up with.

To cut a long story short. Those of you who have visited my residence know that my house (apartment) stands on a 20-feet wide street. The house across mine- facing the street had a curiosity value for me, as one of the windows over there overlooked my room's window by a few feet and I could often, hell, practically daily, see someone standing over there at the window- staring straight into the open windows of my room and at yours truly. At first I was a little embarassed and diffident of this constant and overwhelming attention. But later on I figured out that this was the price to pay for my celebrity status.

As time went on I got more and more comfortable with the idea that my across-the street-neighbour- a silhoutte of a good looking women dressed in the latest fashions - was spending an inordinate amount of time peeping at me. And when have I disaapointed an audience? If she wants a show- she will get one,a great one, I vowed to myself. And from then on- I started doing all my exercising- my biceps curls- with the curtain pushed to one side and the window open- in short - in full view of my neighbouring admirer. I am sure that I had done a great public service by pleasing a lonely womans fantasies. Even if she turned out to be a Stalker in the future.

And then recently, I got the shock of my life. My friend - a Gym buddy- dont want to name him, dropped me off home from the gym and then as he was leaving- he remembered that another dear friend of his - a girl he knew from somewhere - lived in the house opposite and he had often picked her up a few years ago when they went out partying together and he wondered if she still was there and decided to look her up again. Naturally I availed of the opportunity offered to accompany him to the Peeping Tom's place and get introduced. I was anticpating seeing the shock and surprise on the lady's face when she saw who it was standing on her doorstep- her secret fantasy- the guy from across the street- the man of her dreams- on her own door-step.

But the one who got all the shock and surprise was me. The person who opened the door for us was a totally different body-type female to what I had expected. She was a podgy, short type with hyperactive expressions, jerking body language and a loud bass voice- definitely not the type to stand silently for hours together at the window admiring the Handsome Hunk across the street (yours truly). After a little small talk - she invited us inside to her room..THAT room...overlooking the road and my room across the street. She said it was her Studio- the place where she worked and got inspiration from. And what do you think was there?

A "Mannequin" for Gods sake. A Goddamned F*** statue- life-like, life size plaster statue of a Female body with the most perfect curves Ever. The woman across the road turned out to be a Fashion Designer who experimented on that life-size feminine mannequin all her recent designs before she shipped them off to the stores. And she had positioned it near the window to catch the natural light effects on her clothes. And I had spent- wasted- all that time doing bicep's curls and Ab crunches....Now tell me if thats fair?

Now.... I keep my window closed all the time....

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Rama's Lament....

Reading the Ramayana for the umpteenth time - this time in the original Valmiki version- the raw, earthy , sensual language of the original sanskrit has moved me immensely. I have come so far as the abduction of Sita when i paused to reflect on the Pathos of Rama- a man who loved truly, loved once and lost and mourned Sita, the love of his life with all his heart.

That picture moved me- i could imagine it with my mind- that heart breaking desolation of Rama when HIS Sita goes missing- not knowing where - the very mystery of what happened to her breaking his mind into a hundred frightening thoughts - reasons as varied as her leaving him herself -disappointed with his Dharma and his respect for his parents which made him choose the forest for a kingdom- dragging a princess along to sufferr the rigours of an asctic life. Women are soft, women love comforts and Sita hadn't bargained for this - when she married a Prince..Had she gone back? could he truly blame her if she had? How could he live without her in this forest all alone?

And all this sorrow for obeying his dad? for loving his parents? Is God fair at all?

So with that in mind- i wrote about the SORROW OF RAMA- this lament:


Wandering lonely in the night,
Mist curling up my legs.
The forest looms dark and thick
The pathways seen no more
Was this the glades we once cavorted?
Sunlight dappled, sweet springy grass?
Now all looks dark, all lost to sight
My heart fails me more than my eyes
Fear, raw fear oozes up my spine
Curling bit by bit up my gut
To gnaw my insides like a burrowing snake

Lost in myself
I have lost you too
No where to be seen
With naked eye or grieving soul
Where are you,
O’ where are you?
Love of my life
And light of my love
Lost am I without your guiding light

Show me the way,
Light me the path,
take me away
for I cant abide
this endless dark
teeth clinched in grimace
soul shrieking in pain
tongue bitten tight
to stop screaming YOUR name

I look for you all the time
Where once you were with me
And maybe will never be again
Yet where else can I search
For I know not where else you be
Now that you have abandoned me
To curl up and die
Of a broken heart
Too broken to care
Of the paralyzing pain
A reminder of a man
Who once loved a lot
And Lost.

This is just my take on Valmikis Ramayan- Ganesh's Ram...forgive all errors readers.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Ooty Musings.....on life & wife

Its the wrong time to visit Ooty- the rainy season in October. but as i had to make an official trip I had no choice but to go. i expected Ooty to be deserted at this season but to my surprise it was burstng to the seams with honeymooners. Must be the wedding season or something.

I saw a lot of honeymoon couples wandering all over the town hand-in-hand. And more of them doting all corners of the Botanical garden. Everytime I turned a corner- there pops out a cuople cuddling close together for some quality time (at 3PM in the afternoon). I saw cuddles, huddles, hugs and even two Kisses...which broke up on my sudden appearance. Rather than disturb people carrying on their official work, I decided to walk back to the center of the park where the crowds were milling about.

Here there was more trouble in store for me- I was constantly pestered and irrtitated by pesky couples asking me to click their pictures while they posed in various abominable romantic poses (cheek-to-cheek etc)...I felt like a Porno cameraman when taking some of the pictures- especially with the angles and poses suggested by the couples themselves. Of course I had my revenge on them, by asking them to reciprocate by taking my pictures while I posed in the same fashion as they did- making faces...And strange to say- one ultra-competitive couple ended up having a big fight over me...Uh! its not like that- if it came out wrong - what I was trying to say was, the hubby first clicked me while wifey was looking on in the background offering suggestions. At the end of the shot, the wife walked up to the husband grabbed my camera (before I did) and scrutinized my picture- what came out next was a sarcastic and withering update on her hubby's non-existent photographic skills..the lady requested me (rather ordered) to go back to my postion commenting that she would take the picture this time and show how it is done- and in the mood that she was I hastened to comply. So she took the picture, then beckoned me over and together we scrutinized the result.

I could no way see any difference between her husbands and hers(both were atrocious)......but would i say it to her face? (mad - I am not) I praised her about how superbly she had taken the picture vowing in my mind to erase it first chance I got. She then turned with a sneer and started blasting her husband again and this time the poor man - probably incensed by the scene of his wife and me with our heads close together discussing stuff intimately- started shouting back at her in equal measure and I took the opportunity to walk (escape) away from there without looking back till I reached a safe distance from the weird couple. The funny thing was I had noticed the newness of the mangalsutra on the girls neck- they couldn't have been married for more than a few days- so all this rage at the husbands incompetence pointed to only one thing- the girl was obviously ranting off her disappointment with her hubby in something else ...I am sure, you, the reader can connect the dots.

And finally comes the most interesting part, what happened the next morning as i was preparing to check out and leave Ooty for Coimbatore. I had got up quite early (for Ooty) at 7 Am and had poked my head outside the door preparatory to going out for a walk. the morning ws misty, drizzling and intensely cold and i changed my mind in an instant and opted (wisely) to head back to bed for another hour. and then it happened. the door of the neighbouring room opened- a girl - another newly wed honeymooner came out wrapped in a shawl and hollered inside "come on, its a lovely climate, we will go for a walk before breakfast". I was standing outside my door near the balcony railing and I turned back to stare at the room inside. The husband wa still in bed half propped up on his elbows and looking with horror at the mist outside he screamed in desperation "But look, you cant be serious, its freezing outside- you will freeze, come back to bed"

And then, the wife turned halfway and said (wait for the punchline before you clap) "ok, so what if I come back frozen, you are there to warm me up arent you?" she said this with an arched eye-brow and for one minute I envied her husband - a man whose wife was so proud of him in all matters (said & unsaid). I almost clapped then- but felt it wouldnt be proper. So I went back in to lie down all alone on my bed and wait for the day to come, when my wife will demand of me to warm her up after a cold walk......

So, the wait for my wife to come continues while my Ooty trip was over so quickly....

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The Worm in the Apple core.....

In my experience I have met many people who have not hesitated to take undue advantage of others innocence just to gain a little something in their lives or careers. And then there are some people who try to do evil or mislead others simply because they enjoy doing evil. I have been watching one such person- a Lady who is an young divorcee- for the past few weeks as she randomly picks up on other girls during their canteen visits and offers unsolicited advice.

Don't take me wrong- I have nothing against Divorcees, but if this is how they respond to others happiness- then God help these poor innocent girls who hang around listening to the diatribes against men unleashed by the failed marriage lady. She typically targets newly married girls and starts pouring poison down their ears slowly- about how not to give into your husband on anything, how to start dominating your marriage from day one, how not to trust your husband in anything at wonder her husband divorced her so fast.

And the word on the street is (though she denies it) her husband was a decent enough guy who just couldn't take her nagging and hence divorced her within a year of getting married. And this is the Lady who is now offering marital advice to all the young unmarried girls and newly wed girls. Her topic is mostly about total domination- destroying husbands ego and putting the men under feet. no wonder....and these stupid girls keep listening to her poison with open mouthed wonder. If they tried any of her tips at home- they would end up divorcees too. Maybe that's what the lady is hoping for.

Are all divorcees like that? Do they actually scheme to destroy other girls happiness too? Makes you wonder doesn't it?

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Temptations of the Robotic Kind.......

Long, long ago (last year) I happened to meet a spiritual person who pointed out that if I decided to become a sanyasi and give up the ways of the flesh- I must first try and experiment giving up a few of the little pleasures which I routinely enjoyed- beforehand. On that basis I have recently (ever since May) given up watching films in the Theatre- the Big Screen Experience.

At one time of my life- I was an ardent film-fanatic. I have seen two shows continously sometimes- noon show followed by evening show. I have seen the same film daily, at the same theatre and same time. And I have absolutely enjoyed the experience of going to see a film in the theatre with a stunning big-screen experience. I dont like watching movies in DVD's at home- and always avoid doing so. For me- a movie is a Big Screen experience and watching it with a large audience.

But now that I have turned increasingly religious and have started on the path of salvation- I have been giving up my vices. I dont smoke and I dont drink - so the easy options dont exist for me. My only recongizable weakness is for watching films in theatres (and looking at girls with great curves- but even I dont think I am ready to give that up yet-sanyasi or no sanyasi). So ever since May- I have not watched a single film in theatre.

The last film I watched was an absolute delight- a gem of a movie called "How to train your Dragon" which I watched at PVR- my first time in that theatre and also at Ampa Skywalk Mall. I had not actually gone to see that movie- but it was the only one who's tickets were available that day. So I had no choice except to watch it. And the Movie rocked- it was an unbelievable experience - I absolutely loved it- it touched great heights of movie experience (and I am not joking!!!). My enjoyment of that day was so absolute- like I had made a Test Century at Perth- that it was anti-climatic to think of even going to another movie till recently.

Now there were a few other films which tempted me in recent times- Salt, Inception, Naan Mahan Alla etc- but I somehow resisited the temptatiion to go and see them. Nothing, would even come close to that PVR experience. So why try? If I was going out- let me go out with an awesome experience- let my last film be a truly memorable one. But now I am being tempted by Rajni's Endhiran- the Robot. Everyone says its great to watch on big screen. And now after all this time- I am tempted to go and see it.

Should I watch it or not? What if the movie experience sucked? And I felt later I should have stopped at Dragon? (which is my high point till now). Can Endhiran somehow displace Dragon as my ultimate movie watching experience? Is it necesssary that every new experience should neccessarily be better than the last one? Or is Dragon just a benchmark which would never be attained again in my life? And should I try and resist this temptation on the Path to SALVATION- the way of the sanyasi?

If I can resist the "Robot" temptation then I am sure I am on the right path- I am a lets see what fate has in store and how strong is my will power.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Forgive Me My Sins...God.....I confess.

Forgive me my Lord, for I have sinned. These words should have been said in a church in front of God, but God is supposed to be everywhere and if so, I am sure he will be reading this blog post too and will forgive my sins after reading them here.

Everyone of us - when we look in the mirror- always think we are the good guys and our enemies are evil. Are they? Do we really believe that? or is it a convenient way to shift blame on to them for what we do? All through my life I have thought that I have been more sinned against than been a sinner. But that doesnt give me the right to hurt others does it? I cant take my hatred and anger and disappointments in my personal life and show it on others totally unconnected with it. That makes me a weak person- a coward. My anger and my frustrations at my own faults should be addressed by myself- not dirested towards others. I realize this and hope to change my behaviour- but it's tough, very tough. For that, give me your Help, God. Help Me.

My next big fault is my Jealousy- I am jealous of others (people I know) in love- insanely jealous of couples (in my friends circle) who go by bike hugging each other- i feel that it should have been me the girl is hugging and not the other guy- I know its extremely wrong of me- but cant help it. I always wanted to do the same and never having got the chance to do it ever in my life - i get incredibly jealous when i watch someone else do it. I may not be lucky in this life to do it- But God please help me bear it without getting frustrated at others good luck. Help me control my jealousy at others happpiness.

My sharp tongue is my other big fault- not being able to control my temper- i lash out at others with my sharp tongue (or my even sharper pen)- its out of pure frustration at not being able to change anything in my life- not being able to control any part of my life- i show it all out in anger- especially towards people close to me- beacuse i know their weak spots- its easier to hurt people we love than total strangers we know nothing about. Its weak, wrong behaviour- so God, give me the strength to change myself.

I have a lot of things going wrong in my life right now- i feel like i have absolutely no future- and am doomed to lead a useless life- so like a blind man with a sharp sword in his hand and imaginary enemies all around him- i am turning round and round- hitting blindly at everyone around me. Help me with your patience, Lord- give me the strength to accept that which I cannot change. One day soon i will give up this materialistic life and come to accept the true path of sanyasam, but i dont want to do it like this- with hatred and anger, and frustrations in my life. A true sanyasi is someone who goes to find God with true peace in his heart- for that i should first beg forgivenes from others I have hurt and forgive those who have hurt me. Otherwise i will be only a false sanyasi.

So, help me Lord- give me the courage to ask forgiveness of those I have sinned against- help me crush my pride and destroy my ego- save me from my frustrations and depressions, and cure me from my anger. I promise to always think before I talk something and think twice before i say something - to avoid hurting others even accidentally. So forgive me my Lord, My sins and lead me onto the path of Salvation. Amen

Monday, September 27, 2010

My Small. Small, wishes.....(Chinna, chinna asai...Chotti si asha)

Lots of people have lots of expectations when it comes to their marital lives and I am no exception to it. But, heres the caveat, my expectations are all quite small and remarkably silly- hope my future wife doesnt fall down with laughter on hearing about them.....

1) Bed Coffee/Good Morning- to be woken up early (not too early) on a sunday morning with a steaming cup of filter Coffee by my wife who has freshly showered and has her hair tied up and draped in a wet towel and smiling at me....(instead of screaming- are you still asleep when there is so much work to do?)

2) Sitting and watching an-ever running TV serial with my wife - on the rare day I am early at home- and discussing the story twists taking place in the serial over the past one year or so......just sitting and talking about useless stuff.

3) Morning when I am leaving for office- and I tell my wife to lock the door and I go out- she closes the door but still keeps a small crack open and leans there waiting and watching me till my car finally leaves- not banging the door in my face and saying good riddance/just go to office.

4) When she makes some special dish for me and serves me- she takes it up in her fingers and feeds it to me in my mouth (like for a child) despite my protestations of "thats enough, thats enough" - instead of saying come on get up- you have had enough and your tummy's growing.

5) When I am worried and depressed and come over to the house in a despondent mood- she just takes my hand in hers and says - "whatever the problem, I am here with you, dont worry" - actually she doesnt have to say those words out loud, just a meaningful look would be enough.

I dont know how many of these i am actually gonna see happen in my life- but if i get an understanding wife - I might give her the link to this blog post and see if (after her initial hilarity) she might try and grant me one or two atleast of my small, small wishes. They might all seem silly to her- but if she loves me then she woudt mind doing a few sily things to please me - if thats what I want. Hope I get an understanding wife...

P.S. I do have some more ultimate fantasies (of marital life) -things involoving sleevless nighties and other X-rated stuff- but they are too personal to share on the Internet....they are only for my wife's ears.

Friday, September 24, 2010

The Percentages of Love

Those who dont fall in love with gay abandon are apt to end in failed relationships for the seeds of mistrust are whats holding you back...

Thats what I firmly believe and it was proved true by a interesting story I heard today as part of my un-official duty of acting as father-confessor/agony aunty to myriad young couples in love- who often assume erroneously that as a dispassionate observer I can provide understanding to what went wrong in their relationships. Sorry to say, I dont have that much experience of love, although I do of life and in that capacity I offer my commonsense advice and nothing more.

To get back to the story, there was this girl I had known for some time who came to me with the story of breaking up with her boyfriend whom she had caught texting another girl while in a relationship with her.."What is the meaning of relationship?" she asked me rhetorically "Isnt it about exclusivity? when you date someone and love someone- then you are supposed to love only that person at that time - atleast until you are with that person- you cant date anyone else, can you?" which was all perfectly sensible and I agreed with her- until she dropped the bomb."And thats why" she continued "I never trusted him fully and I never allowed him to take any advantage of me....that saved me, for I have escaped lightly and am free to find Mr.Right" she said and paused for my approval- I being a strong (and vocal) advocate for abstinence(before marriage) among my friends circle.

But in this case- I wouldnt support her. I felt then and still do- that what she did was wrong. If she never fullly trusted him....then how could she have loved him? Was what they shared love? How can you love somebody and still hold yourself back without giving yourself fully upto him- and I mean not in the physical sense. But heart-wise and love -wise. How can you can just love a bit and not-all out? I dont understand. You either love (and trust) or you dont..if not what the hell are you doing with that guy? What business do you have murmuring i love you's and planning marriage's when you dont even fully trust him.

Love is not love if there is anything less than 100%- even 99% is a failure- a cheat. Trust but verify is for politics- not for love. You either love or you dont- there is no middle ground. And if you love someone- you never hold back or have back-up, like if this guy cheats me- i have that other guy to fall back on. I am sorry, but thats not done. And if you truly loved someone- it would take some time for you to even recover from a break-up- you wouldnt be searching for a replacement boyfriend immediately. But of course, I said none of these things straight to her face- but just kept my peace- but she went down considerably in my opinion.

So an advice to all my young friends- if you really truly love somebody- give your ALL to the love- dont hold back- that is a sure sign of failure- and you are dooming your relationship right from the beginning. Mistrust leads to more mistrust, more doubts and before you know you have ruined a relationship which could have been with your soul-mate. And never ever think about back-up for marriage when you are in love- thats the sign of it all getting over. Having sex when you are in love is not wrong- having sex to just get married (to convince the other person)- is wrong.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Shallow Hall-II

Reader Discretion Advised: This post will be a Sexist, intolerant, rant of deeply personal feelings and if you are prepared to read about another Shallow Hall- go on...

Changing the finish line....just when you are about to cross it. Yep! thats exactly how i feel - given the lemon's life has given me...and please dont tell me to make lemonade with them- i hate it. Anyway to get back to the title- it refers to the on-going (ever-lasting?) search for my perfect bride.

Long, long ago, back when I was in college and looking like an awkaward geek (still am, by the way) I used to burn with envy at the coole dudes picking up all the good-looking dames on campus and just leaving us the crumbs...which out of principle (or sheer pique) I refused to partake of. A wise(?) old friend, a senior, took me aside and told me the "SECRET" to get a mind-blowing girl in my life.

The only way, he said, that guys like us can end up with the pick of the crop, is to study well, work hard, get an awesome job, makes lottsa money and then let our parents use our newly-acquired status and assets to buy us the best-looking model on display which we fancy.(P.S- we are talking about girls here- not cars). Those fancy studs woo these stupid girls, have a relationship (exploit them) and finally ditch them. Voila, they see sense and finally end up marrying someone like us for the safety, security and status- was what was drilled into my head by all those senior students at college who formed an Anti-love clique which openly dissuaded (with threats) people who tried to hook up with each other.

I took it all to heart - as I found it all eminently sensible- there was I knew, no way I could ever on my own (with my non-existent good-looks)- land a girl who was even half-way interesting or for that matter good-looking. I would have to buy them in the arranged marriage market through my position and financial power. And so at quite a young age (my teenage years- when everyone else around me was dating, except me) I gave up all hopes of love (or even looking at random girls) girded my loins, went to work- studied hard, worked hard, earned hard, saved hard- to achieve everything on the list marked above. And now when i finally stand back and look at what i have achieved- its time to pat myself on the back and say- Job well done. But here's the snag.

Now that I am well educated, well setled, well earning and have asked my parents to find me a girl- they seem to specialize in bringing to my approval - the very crumbs that no one (even I) used to reject at college. Again and again they seem to bring up proposals for the left-overs. Is this what I slaved all those late-nights for, sacrificed all thos years of not watching films (I love fims) for? Cant I....(change to) "Shouldnt" I get a goo-looking girl? Dont iI deserve one? after all these years of working my butt off, living like a monk (to get a good character- for the marriage market), never wavering or losing concentration and after finally achieving a substantial status in life cant I/dont I deserve even a marginally good looking girl? someone i can flaunt to the world and say- look, I am not a loser..dont you see this good-looking girl on my arm? I have arrived....

Call me Shallow Hall if you wish- I am not at all interested in "inner beauty"- i want only external beauty- as compensation for all those years of bloody hard work- And now i feel cheated of my prize - just when i am about to cross the finish line...whose fault is it? My parents? Fate? or those bloody Seniors at college?
Whose? Who should i blame?

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Existential Dilemna's.....

This post will not involve any high-brow philosophical stuff but mundane matters like my sex life- or to be precise my non eistent sex life. I am going to have another birthday soon and am quite afraid that I will end up being India's only remaining virgin. If you think there cant be anything more pathetic then being a 35-yr old virgin - it is being constantly questioned whether my tastes lie in a different direction and being hit upon by gay men. Yuck. Just because I am not getting any action at all doesnt mean I am handicapped. Wait that didnt come out right. To re-phrase it again. Just beacuse I am starving(as no one has invited me to dinner) doesnt mean I would eat out of others plates. Getttit?

So, I am hanging in there, hope hanging by a slender thread, waiting for the magic night when I can make love to my wife..oh yeah! I hear all of you snigger...get real dude- aren't you making a mountain of a mole-hill? I beg to differ. There is a enormous difference between having sex and making love....(Source-all the great literature of the world). If you do it wife your legitimate wife after your wedding in the full knowledge that you are both affectionate towards each other- then it is called "making love". Anything else is just sex. I may be a philistine in such things....but sexual morals do matter to me.

So, here am I....just hanging on to my virginity, day by damn day- hoping something's gotta give soon- my luck will change and I will finally get the presure off my back. And till then I survive by mans greatest invention of all time- masturbation. Which is allowed - legally, morally and religiously, I believe. And if that wasnt allowed - men everywhere would go mad. After all we are all human beings with normal human emotions and feeling aren't we? so I survive- on a daily basis with just hope.

So, here's to me......hope I lose this damn status soon....pray for me.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

My 3 Wishes....for the New Year

It's exactly a month to my next birthday and I have thought about 3 things to accomplish within the next 30 days. I am not entirely sure whether i can do all three or atleast one of them but i am sure as heck gonna try.

1) Top of my List is Weight Loss- I plan to lose 5kgs within the next 30 days. going to take a lot of hard work and willpower and time management. As usual I will skip one meal a day and try and work a bit more sincerely in the gym without wasting time staring at all those assorted cleavages, butts and ripped bodies on exhibit.

2) Marriage- I plan to get married or atleast engages within the next 30 days. Now this one is far more difficult as this involoves not only me but also the other party who has to agree to marry me. But no harm done in trying is there and I do have a possible candidate in mind with more than a 50% chance of not turning me down.

3)New Car- this one is actually the most doable i beieve. all it requires is to close my eyes and write a check and spend all my life's savings. I have shortlisted the Swift Dezire diesel but am sorely tempted by the Honda Jazz. But I think commonsense will prevail in the end.

So that it. My three wishes for the next month. And I will blog again on my birthday and let you know how i end up with my wishes.

Monday, July 12, 2010

I count my blessings, Lord....

A very close friend of mine (and a regular reader of this Blog) has mailed me that my previous blog post was all gloom and doom and certainly has been tending to that way for quite some time. I am an admirer of all frank and constructive criticism and on sober reflection i have come to the profound conclusion, that , for once, i may have been in the wrong- to rant and rave aout the ills of my life....without giving a thought to my loyal readers who came to these pages to be entertained and amused and not to be bored with all the petty slights fate threw my way.

I spent some time thinking about the purpose of this Blog and blogging in general- was this a private recitation of things bothering me? Was the purpose of my blog to let out the stuff which, for instance, I couldnt even confess to my real world friends? Should I rehash all the minutiae of my life in an online forum? For after all a Blog is online- it is not a private thing. If I really wanted to unburden my mind I should probably write a diary on MS Word and save it to my Desktop and not publish it like this online.

The friend has also adviced me to forget my frustrations and just show my attitude to the world....So here goes I am going to try and see if my pluses outweigh my minuses:

1) I am Tall, Strong and Healthy- this may seem commonplace to you- but if you think again and again, you will find that not many men have all three qualities at once. I know many of my friends - who are neither strong nor healthy- even if they make more money than me. But thankfully, having been a former fat-person, I have spent a lot of time taking care of my body- that I still possess the arteries of a person five years younger to me..which means I am far more healthy than my peers. And having no bad habits helps too.

2) Education and Job - well, although I hate to boast, I should confess that I am fairly well educated having earned a Post-graduate degree through the hard way- pure merit. And doubly blessed that I have been able to join job after job, everytime I felt like moving on. Right from the day I have finished college I have always been employed and have earned a decent salary- enough for a comfortable life.

3) General attitude and temeperament - Starting out life as the off-spring of two lawyers has taught me early on the adage- stop getting mad, just get even. I have conquered to a large part my tendency for anger, and have cultivated a calm, serene personality. No one, including my parents, have ever seen me fly in to a rage or show anything except perfect equinanimity. That doesnt mean- I am all angel though- I do get depressed sometimes- but that usually follows jealousy- and that is the result of my frineds who have emigrated to America taunting me (through the net)that the best brains usually emigrate and the hopeless are the ones- left behind in India. That shouldn't bother me much - because someday I too will find someway/someone to help me reach trip is just delayed.

4) Marriage and stuff- Ok, Ok, its hard to count my blessings on this- I am on the wrong side of thirty and still a virgin. But what the heck, its not as if I am ever not going to be married- its just a little delay- because I am still not able to find the right girl to please both me and my parents at the same time. Come to think of it - the loss is not mine alone- its of all those girls out there who want to marry a genuine person. Where else are they going to find a guy, who is, even in this modern world(so full of temptations), pure- heart, soul and body. I can stand here straight and declare my purity to the many men of my age(both married and unmarried) can do the same? They will probably not think even one second if they are offered free sex. To be a moral and upright prson is to take pride in oneself- like me.

5) My Parents- ha, this requires a little elaboration- my parents have always been very supportive of me in everything all my life- they have brought me up happy and contented and the only disagreements we have ever had - have been in the last few months- since we started my marriage search. They have their own ideas about my ideal wife and i have mine...mutually incompatible? I dont think so. If fate wills it so and by Gods grace- I should hopefully soon find a girl who is both pleasing to me and satisfies my parents.

So, Thats the end of my Last and final self analysis blog post- and thank you my dear friend- for putting me back on the right track- when I was slowly drifting off into depression and self-pity. This has cured my completely. I am not that badly off- compared to the world around me- and I count my blessings- including friends like you. Adios.

Friday, July 9, 2010

A lonely weekend coming up.....

Atlast a weekend with nothing to do- no plans- coming up...And guess what instead of feeing relieved about it (as i thought i would)- i am actually not looking forward to it. I am quite sure i am going to be bored, sad, depressed and moody. It's sunday evenings that i actually miss never getting married. Being single is all fine on saturdays- when i could go out and hang out with friends. But on sundays, every damn guy i know- stays home with wifey, watching TV. They are actually quite happy to do it- week after week, month after month, never changing the routine. Me, I would grow bored of it within one month. Or would i?(just Sore grapes?)

Seriously, I must find a new hobby or something new to occupy me on sunday evenings...I even miss school/college- feeling nostalgic about doing my week's homework(in a hurry)in a single day- on sunday evening/night before going to school the next day. Never thought I would come to this state. Is this what growing old is all about? even thinking with longing all the past horrors?

I used to have a friend who specialized on sunday arguments/fights....i understand now the reason behind it. Silly of me, I didnt realize it was all due to boredom. I used to take the fights i miss even those hour-long arguments. It seems life/all my friends have moved on- without me- I am left behind- all alone. Gotta change something in my life - too boring right now.

So, what should I do to change my boring life? Shake it up a bit? Should i elope with someone? to some foreign country? That would make my life all interesting - atleast for a few days. Or should I try to get legitimately married- you know- like an arranged marriage? But although I am now willing (more than)- my dad is not. He keeps going about the house with a bunch of horoscopes of girls- murmuring Sani Dasa, Rahu/Ketu Dosha, Sevvai Graha etc...I feel like tearing up all those horoscopes and screaming at him- "Dad forget all this damn astrology stuff-I dont give a shit for them...just dont believe them- get me a girl I can "connect with"

But, I dont...he is my DAD- my well-wisher and he is doing all this stuff for me- misguided though he is. So, I grin and endure. And feel all lonely. Waiting for the time when somebody turns up to light my sundays too- make me watch TV beside them. Hope it happens soon.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Friends Vs Family.......

Ok! Ok! It doesn't have to be that way. I can hear the groans and objections. But this is a topic which has really come to my close and personal attention recently. Two different individuals with their name's starting on P. and of different genders are the protagonists of todays post.

P-1: an average human being, a totally loyal friend but a recluse to other social relationships and sticks to, at the most, one or two close friends. But Post-marriage there is an instant make-over. Forgets everyone but his better half and is now totally obsessed with leading a "happy family life".

P-2: an average human being, gregarious, verbose, with lots and lots of friends(& admirers)- preferably of the opposite sex. Post-commitment (in a marital relationship)- prefers to still hang out at parties and spend more time with old friends leading to an early and entirely avoidable break-up- with the long suffering partner. Friends remain- marital happiness/family life Gone.

My ADVICE (for what its worth):

P-1 is an easier case to cure - once he gets over the still continuing honey-moon obsession- is bound to return to the earth sooner or later. And you cant always keep obsessing about sex- you need other relationships too. So P-1 will very soon run out of topics to discuss with his new wife- having exhausted everything and come back to his friends. So hold on a little more guys. The guy after all is setting a good example- loving his wife more than any one else in this world- prefering her over his friends- for afterall she is gonna be there for him till the end of his life.

P-2's is the more difficult case. First of all P-2 doens't realize that what she is doing is even wrong. She keeps justfying that her friends are important. Yes. But family is always more important than friends. Infintely more important. Friends can forget you, avoid you, ditch you, get transferred out, change jobs, leave the city, anything. Family stays with you (no other option) always- same city, same house, same room. You can always make new friends - but the laws of this country makes it so much more difficult to get a new husband everytime you are dissatisfied with one.

More importantly- you can always say "NO" to a friend- if he calls you for a dinner date, or a movie or a vacation. There is no such friendship which exists where you say "how can i say No? he is such an old friend?" Precisely because he is such an old friend - he should realize he is old news and move away gently of his own accord. If he fails to do so but insists on contnuing his old and cozy relationship even after you get engaged/married- and insists on his rights to take you out whenever/wherever he wants- then it is a false friendship and he is definitely taking advantage of you(P-2) in the guise of friendship.

P-2 is stupid to sacrifice all family ties for a stupid old memory- of old college friendships. A lady should learn to say "NO"- to everyone including her friends. If not- you will be made a joke among the same friends- about what a girl of loose morals you are- if you always agree to their plans and are always available to them and never refuse them when they insist. How many men friends will you accomodate like this? And how can you blame the poor guy- your hubby- if he feels naturally jealous and possessive? will you let him go - if his old college girlfriends drop by suddenly into his office to pick him up and take him away to a late and intimate dinner party- right on your anniversary? Will you even then say that his (ex-girl)friends are more important than you- the wife?

My advice to P-2 would be to forget your friends wholesale- you can always make new and more interesting ones later- right now concentrate on your relationship and dont wreck it. Go to counselling with your partner and resolve the pending issues between you two- with a frank talk. Or take a vacation together- and before you go erase your address book or get a new SIM card. No friendship is worth the sacrifice of a stable and happy married life. You have got a whole life coming up for you stupid lady - dont waste it by living in the Past. Or else you should never have married- but continued to drink/party with your friends in beach resorts- till you get old & ugly/or your so-called friends marry and drop you themselves- whichever happens earlier.

I am going to send the link to this post to both of you- P-1 and P-2- you know who you are sweeties- both of you are dear to me. As a neutral observer and a True friend to you- I take the privilege of advising you both...bear with me.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Celeb Culture: Chennaifornication.

I grew up in the late 80's and early 90's in what was then called the good old, innocent town of Ole'Madras. Madrasi's as we were known outside the city limits were decent honourable people known for their hard work. Then worked, worked some more and then went home to relax. Of course, a few stories of hard partying types surfaced now and then...but they were discounted by the majority as they were few and far between. Then something changed. Madras became Chennai. And everywhere the change stares at us in our face.

Chennai - as it called now- has a very hip and happening paty culture. It has three categories of party people :
1) The Celebs - film stars...and film stars only.
2) Quasi celebs- hangers-on with film stars- like directors, music directors, brothers of directors, film producers with political links, children of film stars
3) Pseudo-celebs- the rest of us (including me), Socialities, wannabe-socialities, bussiness-people, spouses of business-people, sportspersons, personal tariners of film stars, stylists of filmstars, freinds of filmstars etc.

So if you have to be famous or atleast recogized in chennai- you have to be connected someway or other wth films. Otherwise even the bouncers at the most common place(where they let in anyone, but, anyone) night spot in Chennai (think 10-D) wont admit you without a little extra to grease your entry.

Fortunately, i was able to wangle an entry (personally invited) to an exclusive and happenng-do where i was exposed to the real meaning of celeb-culture. And what better way to spend a saturday then to analyse the changing soical mores of your city. Most celebs- young actors- love to drape women over their bodies. The girls range from all ages to all sizes and the more's the merrier.

There was this young(?) actor(brother of a famous director)- two films old(produced by his father, of course) with a group of hangers-on(gym buddies?) cheering him on as he draped himself with four different girls over the course of the evening.

Then there was the other actor- with one film to his credit(village subject on sports)- produced of course by his Dad(a high-ranking police officer of all things) and already showing all signs of a bad case of "I am a Celebrit-itis" hanging out with the youngest looking girls on display.

And then there was the music-director (loud and illogical songs?) looking to turn into a actor trying so hard(failing miserably) to join the "youth brigade" with the worst possible choice of "Youthfull" clothes.

And then, the dancer turned actor(action?)- surrounded all the time by his very own party group wherever he goes, always singing his praises as loud as possible (to drown even the loud music) and egging him onto drape himself wth any and everygirl who passes by.

And me, poor me, standing off to one corner, observing all the people and wondering what the hell has happened to my city. that these people could fornicate like this in public and the heavens dont strike them down with lightning bolts?

Isnt the end of days near? Or is this all the effect of Kalyug?

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Topless on Yahoo Chat....Truth or Dare.

Wow! Some times you are bested but not disgraced. And this is one of those times. It all started with a little late night chat on yahoo messenger testing out my newly installed webcam bought with the express purpose of satisfying my female fan following around the globe. Ah! Ok! to tell the truth, my non-existent female fan following...till now.

What a webcam really allowed me to do was shove my face into my ex-classmates faces and gloat over them for my still-youthful (comparitively, ok?) appearance vis a vis my former classmates who all look so old, BALD and fat...Sorry guys, its the truth and you know it. I on the other hand still retain most of my own hair, have lost weight on the contrary and HOT OR NOT (a) has rated me = 8.6{You are hotter than 85% of men on this site!} which is pretty good going for a Non-Caucasian Male considering that all(99%?)of the women voting for the guys are whites. Tells you something about my sex-appeal doesnt it? I mean all those white-american women can't be wrong can they? even if I am unappreciated in my own homeland ...Indian women just have no taste..they like Hrithik, for Gods sake? Well, its always the case with Geniuses, they are not appreciated in their own sad.

To come back to the story, it was a hot, hot Chennai night..(
this is a very important extenuating circumstance your honor- please note this point)
and I was on the net...chatting on Yahoo messenger with my old friends from college who were all now in America and who show false sympathy for my not getting an American Green Card yet (A*@holes will not sponsor me..but just make fun of me for still being in India). And who do you think pops old college senior hot female (once upon a time) who lavished special attention on me during ragging time making my life wretched back then, when I was young, innocent and bashful.

She wanted to see my current transformation and requested video chat and I promplty obliged as I had already checked out her facebook profile (and recent pics)and knew she had drawn the wrong lot in the wedding lottery. Her husband may have been her ticket to the USA(spouse visa) but presentable he was not. And I thought of giving her a little heartburn at having missed noticing the swan inside the ugly duckling all those years ago and giving me a miss. So I accepted her request to start viewing my webcam, without remembering that I was practically topless (entirely) for it was as I mentioned before a Hot Chennai evening and I was alone at home and feeling hot had stripped my t-shirt off and let it lie on the floor beside the computer.

Of course, it didnt matter till now as I was just chatting with the guys and they were gazing enviously at my Pecs and Biceps and sundry other upper-body gym toned muscles. And then this lady starts seeing me inadvertently and she makes a little comment like .."you are all grown up since I last saw you as a little kid" which reminded me that I was topless on the internet in front of a lady(?) and it was the wrong position to be in and I quickly pulled on my t-shirt. She immediately started pulling my leg and commented at how I was too late to save my honour...and she had already seen me topless.

I was non-plussed for a minute but you dont often catch me with my pants down (thats a metaphor, by the way) and I wrote back that Fair is Fair and as per the rules of the game, having seen me topless she should oblige me by reciprocating...She logged off for a minute and I thought "there, you have spooked her off idiot". But I had judged her right.....she was soon back online and she informed me that she had just closed the door on her hubby dear form walking in on us during our chat. She then proposed a game of truth or dare between us and the loser gets to strip to topless. As I had already done it earlier, I had no problem in agreeing immediately and we started...

At first it looked like I might win easily with questions like these:

ME: 1) Do you love your husband?
2) dont you just hate that you married for money?
3) how's hubby- good or just a wimp in bed?
4) any affairs yet?
5) your friends or your husband's friends?
6) With white men?

SHE: 1) why are you still Single?
2) is it out of choice?
3) or out of incapacity?
4) Are you gay?
5) did you try to get a medical opinion?

At which point I lost my cool, blew a fuse and refused to play this vulgar game anymore and in short GAVE UP. And she won by a mile. Girls know all the right trigger points for men and they dont hesitate to hit below the belt without pity. Due to the fact that I had lost the a truly good loser I just logged off and disconnected the modem. End of Story...

P.s.( for the uncensored version of this story please e-mail me...)

A Slip- in my Non-Existent Fashion Knowlege?

Spent an interesting hour with a friend discussing High-Art. Aka Womens Fashions. Needless to mention that neither I nor my friend are extremely competent judges of womens wear but, hold on, let it be displayed on a female body, especially a nice and lissome lass and there is not a better connoisseur within fifty miles of the city.

The object of our discussion was that elusive and rarely visible part of a womens undergarment called colloquially "The Slip". According to the best informed sources....AKA Google search, a Slip is an essential part of the female wardrobe worn under transparent/semi-transparent/translucent/see-through garments. Although what is the point of wearing a transparent dress if you are gonna wear an opaque slip under it to cover everything up baffles understanding..But as all males, right from the one and original Adam of Paradise fame has failed to understand the workings of the female mind since time immemorial, who am I to even attempt to?

The object of attention/discussion made an unexpected appearance at the top Hang-out spot of North Madras....Abirami Mall..a Budget destination for the light pursed citizens of North Chennai..who unlike the Spencers and Inox crowd prefer to hang out in family-sized groups ranging from a minimum of 15 to 40 or more family- outing groups. This naturally makes those Brave hearted (or foolhardy?) romantic couples who brave the heat to venture into Abirami Mall - a part of the local sight-seeing attraction as entire families stand around and Gawk at the poor unfortunate couples....sometimes I am sorely tempted to stand up, wave and start handing out autographs the next time a family group stares at me as if I am a leftover of one of the Seven Wonders of the World.

In such a crowd did I spot the elusive whitish garment and pointing it out to my friend commented derisively that women will never learn to match undergarments with upper...confident in the knowledge that who after all is going to notice? forgetting the existence of Eagle-Eyes like self and friend. My friend with infinitely more experience and close aquaintance with womens underclothing not only corrected my mistake that it was a B** and identified it as a "SLIP"..the purpose of which he failed to explain and wanted me to learn from that infallible authority -Google.

All afire from a desire to learn the purpose of a garment which from all intents and purposes fails to satisfy its primary to shield its wearer from prying eyes but on the contrary enhanced the awesome figure and shape of the girl wearing it- I hurried home and went on to Google Search where I was offered a variety of those garments in different colours and styles from on-line stores which offered to ship them to me within 48 hours. I politely declined the offer as I could envision no circumstance under which I would be wanting to wear a slip right now...but in the future who knows? I might have to acquire a few of the same for my wife (post-marriage- whenever it happens) and other assorted women of my life....

So finally my knowledge of Female Fashions has increased by approximately one item...THE SLIP. and I am storing it up for future use.....

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Paiyya - Review

Happened to catch up on Paiyya this saturday noon show at Satyam- courtesy of a un-expected stroke of Good fortune - a friend's friend's wife turning sick at the last minute getting me a last minute invite for the empty seat. To say I enjoyed the movie is an understatement. The friend I was with was a class act- absolutely hilarious- the commentary kept pouring out as the action unfolded on screen- so much so that I am wondering now how much fun I had missed previously watching movies alone. Take it from me - Tamil movies are made to be watched with your group of friends- a lesson learnt at last.

To get back to the movie -what struck me most was the absolutely stunning styling of the lead pair...considering that it is an on-road movie. Karthi's costumes really strike the contemporary grunge-chic look and Tamannah manages to pull off stunning outfits quite casually. The music is neither too haunting nor thankfully jarring but just keeps the story moving. The story as usual in tamil films is formula ridden- loving an unknown girl, bashing up the villians, chases, fights etc with the hero making the heroine fall in love with him only at the end of the movie inspite of wooing her throughout the film's journey of Bangalore to Mumbai.

Some of the baddies in the movie- like Milind Soman and his Side-kicks could give lessons to other Kollywood directors on how to dress up their heroes- all those recent ultra-low budget madurai oriented movies with guys in lungies parading around has sickened me of tamil films recently. This summer has finally shown the change in the air- first up VTV and now Paiyya. The whole moive is one stylish, racy flick.

Just two questions remain in the end...
1) will you suddenly make up your mind and fall in love if your lovers friends express his love for you? dont you have a mind/heart of your own?
2) Why the Title Paiyya?

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Vinnay Thandi Varuvaya- Review.

I know, I know that its a bit (very?) late for a review considering that its been running in the theatres for a fortnight but I have two excuses- one, that I have this policy of watching films only in theatres as a paying customer (to discourage piracy and not to cause loss to the film industry I love) and my second and more valid reason for the late viewing is due to the perfidy of a friend (traitor?) of mine who promised to take me along for the movie but ditched me to go with another group of friends- forcing me to go alone to watch the movie today (Satyam- Matinee). So my apologies for the late review..

First Impressions? - It does something to your heart. I'm still slightly under the influence. Anyway for once in his life there is no Simbu in a Simbu movie. Its the characters who live on the screen. Hats off to Gautam Menon for pulling this off. And Trisha- the actress has done a brilliant job- we alternately sympathize and get exasperated with Jessy- so much so that we forget it is Trisha who is playing a role. Never thought that she had the talent to pull this off- a landmark film for her.

Finally, the story- every knows the tagline by now - you can be friends with your ex. But it still seems such a pity that there was no happy ending- after all that they went through it would have been fitting if the two had got together in the end. Realism is Ok - that's what we always get in everyday life- where parents and society force two people apart. Atleast in films the hero should get the heroine- the heroine, for a change, should blackmail emotionally her father and walk away with the hero. I was rooting and praying for a happy wedding in the end...but the climax scene at the preview theatre completely floored me - with its dignified ending - when they both walk out together with no hard feelings/no rancour inspite of a love which as Simbu repeats "I will give my life for her".

So verdict- A film which moved me to tears. And yes, two people who if they somehow connect together and have unbelievable chemistry should stay as friends even if fate robs them of their chance for a deeper relationship. Sometimes friendship is Enough.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

What is it with Religion and Sex?

"Catholic Priests Abused Boys"
"Nithyananda caught in a Sex-Tape with an Actress" "
Delhi Sanyasi hires call-girls"

These headlines are seen on the Front pages of newspapers almost daily. So what kind of religion are these men practising? Or should we worry about that at all? Isnt it their private lives and should we worry about what they do with their spare time? These are issues I have mulling about this week....So here goes.

1) Preach what you practise.....or vice versa. If as a sanyasi you have been telling others day in and day out that women are evil-temptresses and salvation of the soul lies in control over the senses -shouldn't you atleast make an effort to "listen to yourself"? If you find that you cannot control your own bodily urges please dont falsely label natural physiological urges as someting evil to be dont realize the pschylogical damage you are causing to innocent young IDIOTS who listen to you.

2) Decide if you are a real Sanyasi ...A wise man once told me that a lot of people who should be house-holders (temperamentally) turn sanyasi's and there a lot of sanyasi's who would be better-off being house-holders. So these people should get their act together and really decide what they want out of life instead of muddling along...can I suggest pscho-therapy? Long long ago the ancients prescribed the four stages of a mans life - sanyasi comes last when you have already had a satisfying forty years(two stages-grihastha and vanavasi)of married life and sexual pleasure and are atlast mentally prepared to move on from matters of flesh.

3) Marriage- there is view that enforced celibacy is the reason for these trangressions and that the example of Protestant Pastors who are allowed to marry can eliminate this problem. But I would disagree - marriage has got nothing to do with this. You can be married and you can still be a lecher- looking at a neighbours wife - priest or not. Most men will stop at this - some fact you are more apt to stray if you are getting it daily - then if you have totally sublimated all your bodily desires to spiritual accomplishments.

4) So the whopper comes now.... does sex impede realizing God? Can we do both - have sex and be religious?. I see no contradiction- it is simply a matter of living in the moment- God rules everywhere - but inside the bedroom wife rules. As simple as that. There is no need for high-falutin discussions on attaining god through sex, like Osho says. Just compartmentalize your life and you can be a sanyasi within a marrige too. And as for those who mix up the two - my message is "get real guys".

These views are very personal and I am not accusing or advising anyone... so keep the rude comments to yourselves.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Wall- E and Gans-P......On Feeling Lonely.

This will be an intenesely cathartic post for self-analysis so readers please excuse- if found boring.

It's been a long time since I found the time/inclination to blog but now I feel an itch to do so - courtesy Star Movies. Specifically - Courtesy of a Friday Premiere show of the movie Wall-E. For those who haven't watched it yet- it shows a lonely robot on Planet Earth cleaning up the garbage in a post-modern world. There was one scene which was an "Epiphany"(with bugles blowing) of sorts for me- Wall-E watches a Classic movie where the hero and heroine hold hands together and then in a fit of sudden desperation almost unknowingly it joins its two hands togther as a metaphor for the loneliness it feels as the sole survivor of planet Earth.

Something struck me then and I realized (this was a late-night 11PM Show) that I too was in a similar mood. How could this be? Haven't I always prided myself as "THE LONE WOLF?", "The El- Mariachi?" the lone Gun-slinger who walks into town, biffs a few bad guys and walks away. The one who never has any Romance in his life, because, face it - any Emotional involvement means Commitment to hang around in one place long enough to gather moss and turn meek. Wasn't I Clint Eastwood with the Swagger and the Sneer? Didn't my life consist only of what I could carry on my horse-back with me? So why this sudden weakening?

And then I realized that I was no longer in my twenties- the biological clock was ticking and I could no longer feel like travelling "LITE" in this world. I found it strange to feel that I no longer considered romance and family as Extra-baggage- something which holds you back in your life/profession. I have been a hard-worker all my life- worked my butt off to get where I'm today. But strangely, as of recent times, all that success which hard work brought me doesnt have the same flavour. I no longer feel the elation I used to do when i Kick-butt professionaly- when people praise me as "the Next Best Thing" or congratulate me on "having a National Reputation"- which was what I could have killed for a few years back.

Coming home late at night- after leaving home with early light- and then to find that my parents have retired for the night and I have nothing to do but watch TV - no one to talk to or share stuff with/have fun with has brought home the message to me that Professional Success/making money is not everything of life. I suddenly miss my Twenties- how I never even tried for romance- never waited in bus-stops or malls for girls, never bought film tickets for two and kept waiting at the entrance while everyone else went in. I have always watched moives alone- because I felt it was a waste of time/money to go watch a movie and then keep talking in the theatre. I missed so much that others of my age enjoyed back then- of course, I was making a lot of money, but it doesnt seem to have made me happy.

I now realize the errors of my ways. I know now that a certain amount of money is enough and too much/too soon means sacrificing everything else. Is it too late to change my life? Can I suddenly go back to being a youth? Start romancing a girl? Any girl? Will my middle-class upbringing allow me to cut back on earning money to spend it on enjoying life? Wont everyone from my parents on-wards say Gans-P has suddenly gone mad? But thats society for you- unreasonable, biased etc.

But, I do feel like Wall-E that I have no one to hold hands with. With all my money and success and fame- how pathetic is that? So, there are Lots of dilemnas/unresolved issues to think about....