HOW TO SURVIVE A MEDICAL EDUCATION

HOW TO SURVIVE A MEDICAL EDUCATION

A wise man once told me that if you hang around enough bars you can learn to make a  great cocktail and if you hang around enough wards, you can learn how to treat patients. The reason I am bringing this up is one of my friends recently asked me to give a little pep-talk to his younger brother who has joined medical school. This is a gist of the talk I gave him.

1)     Dress The Part:  Always,always wear a white coat. Our patients always respect the Dress more than the person. The dress will help you get an automatic entry into the expert club and the average patient  will hesitate to cross question you regarding any diseases or treatments. But expect to be asked about the way to all those deeply-hidden departments and wards every time you walk around by everone you meet .

2)     Always Reply With A Counter Question- when someone asks- why do I have  this pain doctor? When will you discharge me doctor? Can I eat everything? Will I ever get cured? Never give them a straight answer- always respond with an obscure counter question. Like- are you quite sure that your mother or father did not have this same pain when they were at your age? That will really bother  them as no one is ever " quite sure " of anything- especially about others diseases. Their brains working overtime thinking about your question, chances are great that they might forget the original question they asked you and you might escape with a very general answer instead of getting into specifics (and getting into trouble at a future date with your chief)

3)     Spout Jargon- learn to talk in a technical way. For instance, don’t worry, your  pain is nothing but a momentary electrical impulse transmitted through the dendritic fibres via chemical messengers called neurotransmitters. By the end of this statement the patients eye would be semi glazed and they would have forgotten all that they had asked/complained to you.

4)     Hang Out With The Real Experts - in a  Indian hospital these usually are -the nursing superintendents (the matrons) who know everything there is to know about medicine,  the emergency technicians (casualty assistants) who can quite literally save your ass by teaching you how to save others asses and your drunk seniors. Disregard anything a sober senior tells you- he will most probably be lying/misguiding you.

5)     Multitask-  Sleep in the library. When I was doing my post graduation, I had a Professor who used to call up the librarian at all odd hours and inquire whether any of his students were present at the library at that time. This was his way of finding fault with us,  to blast us the next day- regardless of the fact that he used to so overload us with work, that by the end of the day we were walking around like zombies in a permanently sleep deprived daze. I solved this problem in my unique way-  by multitasking in the library-sleeping, snacking, chatting to friends and even stalking ex-girlfriends online- all were done courtesy of the semi- private cubicles of the library.

This is just a highlights only sharing of my hard earned experience of surviving a medical education. For specific doubts mail me and I will suggest more tips to survive  your sadistic prof’s, bamboozle your examiners, convince your exam patients and finally pass your exams. Best of Luck.