Thursday, May 10, 2012
On Bluebells and err.......BlueBalls.
Now that we have got the explanations out of the way, let me get down to the real story. Last Sunday, the gym was closed and having eaten a heavy lunch (my mom's usual Sunday over-feeding technique), I was feeling so stuffed, that I decided to go for a walk in the neighborhood park, a towering monstrosity called Tower Park built right in the middle of Anna Nagar in Singara Chennai..this was primarily to prevent transferring the meal from inside my stomach to outside my stomach, to add another layer to the already existing ones’. And especially because, I dint want to spend my Monday morning fighting with the belt trying to push in my stubborn (and freedom-loving) belly.
For people who are unwary and innocent- let me warn you right now. A WALK IN THE PARK IS DANGEROUS - especially if you don’t have girlfriend (hidden under your bed). First of all, all that exercise has a salutary effect on your arteries - increasing the blood flow and directing it to areas you didn’t want it to flow to. And also because parks nowadays are filled with more matter scenes than the internet – with couples hiding in bushes everywhere and doing minor (sometimes major) misdemeanors. That in turn attracts our attention and causes us to break our stride, pause, look, and after having peeked at something hot going on - to walk away with jealousy in your heart- that someone else is getting it and you are not (aargh!!!) and you walk back home from the park and then sit down to think it over. The obvious solution to prevent Blueballs (refer the above wiki description) was sex- either with someone (what an idea, sirji) or self-service called by its technical term, Masturbation (there, I have gone and finally said it…now the moral police can get their warrants to arrest me and ban this blog off the internet..hear me Mr.Kapil Sibal?).
Now, the thing with masturbation is it might give temporary relief but at the end of it there is no Spiritual(to borrow from OSHO) Orgasm- just an empty feeling inside caused by the reflection that millions of your kids have just gone down the drain. Shouldn’t they be given a fighting chance at life too (swimming up someone’s cervix?) you KID-KILLER? That sort of recriminations pass through your mind in the first few seconds. The next few hectic seconds are spent in escaping from the bathroom before someone knocks on it to dispel your need for solitude. Parents have this awful propensity of catching you are at your weakest moments..literally when you are pants down. And there is always the attendant risk in pulling up the pant zipper in your hurry and catching something tender (my Precious) in it….
And having been practicing masturbation for the past decade (hey!! I was a precocious kid) I consider myself a bit of an expert on it- along with that expert of all experts “Sex-Wiki”. What I have found out from my extensive research on the topic is
1) Masturbation is safe for your health (as long as you don’t get caught by your dad) (or maybe mom)(or the lecturer in the classroom)…contrary to whatever Dr. Sivaraj (of Sidha Vaidhyam fame) says on Raj TV- you wont get blind by doing it.
2) It prevents Prostate Cancer…now for those who don’t know what that is..i too don’t know much, but doesn’t it sound scary?.. So hey!! Why take the risk? It’s better to be safe than sorry right?
3) It gives you big bulging biceps…especially if you practice holding the racquet with both hands…and you save on those costly gym memberships.
4) Your kids are updated (and fresh/raring to go) every time….even with low bandwidth connections –like having your own Apple app-store and Google play-store.
5) You don’t need to hit on random aunties (and their daughters) out walking the family dog every morning. The streets are generally safer after an episode of you-know-what.
6) You can wear tight pants (skin-tight, low waist jeans?) whenever you want with no risk of being stared at (and pointed at) by the kids in the neighborhood (those pesky kids!!)- who find you more interesting than whichever ball game they are currently playing.
So, that concludes this great essay on this most worthwhile of topics…that which shall not be named….i hope that I have dispelled at least a few myths on this most obscure of topics and freed a few minds from guilt and fear. So will anyone propose my name for a Bharat Ratna? Will you?
(P.s. having promised myself that I will, definitely will, write a blog post every day- I am reduced to this condition – of searching for topics…should I relax my resolutions a bit?)
(P.P.S…the Bluebell picture is from Google Images..i unfortunately don’t have an handy picture of Blueballs..even Google doesn’t have one..so you have to search for it yourself)