Monday, March 18, 2013

Does Size Matter?

Does Size matter? Or Why I would never marry a Gynecologist….

(P.S. This post contains explicit language, graphic descriptions of sexual organs and sex acts and is strictly not for anyone under 18. Readers discretion advised)

For the past few days, I have been thinking deep and hard about my brand of humor. And how to define it or classify it. But more on that later. 

Let me first share with you what I heard in the canteen today. after a long hard day of dealing with squealing brats and quite exhausted as usual by mid morning, I took my regular seat at the far end of the canteen and ordered the cup that restores- a strong, hot coffee and leaning back contentedly waiting for it to arrive at the table I let my senses loosen and listened around to all the news of the hospital that I had missed while working hard all day. if you are a regular reader of my blog you will remember (on this post) that I had talked about the nearby tables being full of beautiful ladies from other medical specialties who often shared juicy gossip and kept me updated on all the real stuff I missed all day. And so it was this day.

No sooner was I seated than a bunch of gal pals swept in and took the neighboring table. Now there is an erroneous fallacy being propagated by television soaps that doctors discuss interesting patients and difficult treatments during canteen hours. it’s as correct as assuming that porn stars do what they do for fun. Why would anyone talk about stressful things when you are trying to relax and unwind, unless you are intentionally setting yourself up for a heart attack.  The talk in the canteen is almost never about patients and their diseases unless it’s about a gaffe which some doctor did and which is too juicy not to be shared around. most male doctors in the canteen talk about the size of their cars, like my car is bigger than yours, if you have a Benz than I have a BMW or brag about the amount of tax they paid the previous year trying to say indirectly "think how much I have earned to pay so much tax" it’s all about being bigger and larger than the other person. The boys will be boys no matter how old thing.

But it’s the female doctors who surprise you or rather me. They talk about size too. But not in any financial aspect. They talk about and in not a very hush-hush way too, the physical sizes of various organs and the meaning of the phrases "bigger is better".

If you are an under-aged kid or a minor or an easily offended type you should probably stop reading at this point and leave this off. If you continue reading then prepare to be surprised and shocked, as I was.

The talk at the next table gradually caught my attention and i listened to it casually as i leant back in my chair pushing it on two legs against the wall. The person sitting right beside me, also with her back to the wall was that tall well built lady, who is by the way a gynecologist by profession and who started off the topic for that days discussion . For regular readers of this blog- you might remember her from a previous post where she discussed openly about kicking off her then boyfriend for not performing up to expectation but spending all the time watching the then on-going football world cup (in south africa) on television after she had spent a lot of money and taken him along with her for a weekend away from the tensions of the big city. And I had also mentioned about how her friends had counseled her that boys will be boys and they will watch sporting events on TV even when there is a good looking lady beside them getting exasperated at the lack of attention and unlike the popular and widespread false belief men are not always thinking about sex and he should be given another chance on another weekend trip.

Anyway the lady started off the talk by asking the younger looking girl seated right opposite her (and at a tangent to me) "so how is newly married life?” The girl (if you can call her that) blushed and said "uh, ok...but I have a doubt. It’s not all that it’s made out to be isn’t it? The sex I mean". i sharpened my ears and listened harder "where they going to discuss something extra-juicy today?".The lady on the other side of the gynecologist, an ophthalmologist (an eye specialist) i knew slightly personally (a story for another day) answered back "ahha! It never is”. Then they all joined in a loud guffaw. 

She then proceeded to ask the further details "so tell me, what really was the disappointing factor here?  He did do it regularly, right?" the newly married person in front of me, blushed again and said "oh, that and all was ok...we did do it regularly. but" she dragged it out and after a pause said, "it’s not anything serious, but, he isn’t, you know, well built if you understand me, but it’s ok I guess, you know what they say, it’s not size which matters but only the technique, right?" and then the tall woman, leant forward with a peculiar look on her face, which if I knew anything indicated anger and said "and who exactly says that? that size doesn’t matter? Its men who say that. To cheat poor innocent ignorant women. men who are not really up to scratch but don’t want the blame to fall on them for any lack of action they are the ones who spread such silly excuses to cheat us women. umphh. I am a gynecologist, ask me about it, i know all about what role size does play and why it does matter. I see so many patients, women who complain to me about their husbands, male chauvinists who mental-torture their wives in private about their small sized breasts comparing them to other women, but never will a man admit that he is too small where it matters. He will simply try to cheat his way out of shame by saying that size doesn’t matter. As if.."

She then leaned forward and said slowly " you are an ORL (an oto-rhino-laryngologist or what was in the old days called an ENT specialist- an ear nose throat specialist) so I will explain it to you in your own language. take this straw from this soft drink bottle and use it to swab your ear." she demonstrated it by pulling out a drinking straw and forcing the ENT doc to insert it into her ear "now take this pen and do the same, tell me do you feel any difference or not" and she waited expectantly while the bewildered ENT doc who had clearly not bargained for this sort of demo-class nodded her head and said "the pen is of course thicker and fills the ear canal". "exactly" shrieked the gynecologist "it fills the ear canal and expands it slightly, even if it’s not the expansile tissue like a female genitalia but even this slight pressure and expansion should be enough to prove to you how much more satisfying it is to insert a thicker instrument in place of a thinner instrument" and then the opthal leaned forward and said "yeah, to clean the ears. But of course, I find that a good ear bud does the purpose very well too". Then they all paused to let her laugh at her own joke and once she was silent the discussion continued.

The gynecologist said "it may or may not be true about length not mattering but girth does definitely matter. Take it from me- thick beats thin any day if you really want to enjoy complete pleasure. Don’t let any man fool you with his inadequacy". and right on cue from the other side of the table an urologist I knew on nodding basis (because their department was right opposite mine and we occasionally wish each other a good morning when we run into)  also joined in the conversation to pitch in her own wisdom to the ENT doc  "remember urinary tract strictures? And how we use dilators progressively? It’s the same principle. The thicker the dilator the better the patient feels".

For those who are unable to follow this medical gobbledygook a urethral stricture (seen mostly in females) is a narrowing of the urinary tract and orifice by repeated UTI's or urinary tract infections. When women use an unhygienic toilet they are apt to get infections of the urinary tract- such things often seen in women who are forced to use public toilets, especially when traveling (men can go anywhere) and they end up using unsafe and unhygienic public toilets ( friend Susan Deborah is an indefatigable crusader fighting for the right to hygienic public toilets for women and she has a facebook group .. and writes on her blog here… please join and spread some love) with the result that a lot of women suffer from urinary infections immediately after any long distance trip by bus. These infections heal after antibiotics but repeated infections produce scar tissue and narrow the urinary passage which results in dribbling of urine and discomfort while urinating. So one of the treatments involves inserting metal rods called dilators - of progressively bigger sizes starting from small to big- through the urinary orifice to break the adhesions (the sticky scar tissue) and increase the size of the urethra so that the urine can flow freely and further chronic bladder infections can be prevented. What the urologist had tried to say was the same as the ear bud story but an example from her specialty point of view.

As the only man in that canteen at that point of time and hearing all this male bashing by a bunch of knowledgeable ladies, i wondered at the poor unfortunate man who had married this ent doc and who from that day onwards no matter what he did would never have a satisfied wife on his hands, i mentally promised myself that come heaven or high water I would never ever date let alone marry a gynecologist. Those damn women are too knowledgeable for a man to ever feel comfortable.

Anyway to return to the premise of this post, the reason my sense of humor is "different" I guess is that  most of the day I spend talking to women and men for whom a good double entendre is a sign of superior wit and then when I go and repeat the same joke to a regular (non-medical) person, they go all hypocrite on me and look at me as if i had committed an unforgivable crime in public "how can you tell such jokes so casually" is their unasked question. i simply forget that some knowledge is not meant for general consumption and should be tailored for specific audiences and i should stop treating everyone as the same, adults though they might be. I just realized that doctors are way more broadminded than others and although computer engineers watch a lot more porn (online) than others they are far more conservative when it comes to talking about it. My error to treat all my audiences the same. In future i should tailor my wit to suit the audience.

And before someone labels my jokes as toilet humor, let me announce that they are a new genre "canteen humor" copyright applied for. The next time i do my stand up act  I will start my spiel like this "..Introducing canteen humor...ladies and gentlemen....a new form of standup comedy...titled things overheard in the canteen..Prepare to be shocked and surprised...and to laugh out loud..." this will be my opening few lines...interested?

P.S. And oh yeah....the title of this post? According to knowledgeable specialists- it seems Size does matter. Who am I to dispute them? I am just your average man.


  1. Jothi theater poi padam paathu, bit ah miss panna feel doctaar, reading your post!

    1. Appo Jothi theatre'la regualar'a padam parpean'nu othukiriya? BTW, Bit will be supplied privately...

  2. Sounds just like offices in which people from other professions work. :) I've seen and overheard quite a bit of this over the years. Never fails to amuse. :)

    1. of course Mehul...people do gossip a lot dont they? its just a fallacy that the noble profession of doctors are any different

  3. I don't think I can look at my gynecologist in the same light again... thanks to you.