Saturday, March 9, 2013
One For The Men
One For The Men
Yesterday was International Women’s Day and my whole blog roll was filled with posts praising women, many of them even written by men trying to impress the ladies (really guys? that desperate?) not that that works. Anyhow reading through at least a few of those syrupy posts in addition to causing a dry-retching made us of the AAP- simply mad at all the male bashing taking place in the guise of women-praising. So in effect fulfilling our primary USP of AAP- Hear the other side, we have decided to set the record straight with a point by point rebuttal. This one is for everyone- male and female.
1) Myth : You Can’t Beat Women At Arguments
Fact : Hell Yes, you can. It merely takes time, patience, long fingernails and a strong bladder in that order. Don’t believe popular propaganda- if you put your mind to it, you can beat anyone at any argument, as long as you are provided with adequate ad breaks, tea breaks and optional pee breaks. When an argument with a woman breaks out, you should first of all take a comfortable seat (in anticipation of being there a long time -so why not get comfortable) and then you just need to chew off those long finger nails (while pondering over the question of who will replace Sachin Tendulkar at no.4 in the test squad)) till they run out of arguments and then have the satisfaction of having the last word. Or in my case the last laugh. By the time they realize that all those swear words and screaming has had no effect and that you are still nonchalant as ever, they are on a slow burn and then to give a finishing touch you give them the benefit of your last laugh, a long bellyaching one (just imagine Suresh Raina at no.4 replacing Sachin) and then the woman will self-combust spontaneously. Mission accomplished -walk away with an evil laugh.
Of course this only succeeds when you are not within touching or striking distance. If you anticipate any violence start off by announcing that you have not bathed that day and that will keep them at arm’s length and save you the trouble of a visit to a orthopedic doctor to treat broken bones. If you are caught in an argument unaware at a dinner table, try to poke holes in the table cloth or place mat with your fork. That will help the waiters to effect an emergency rescue by evicting you immediately from the place. Plus it will have the collateral effect of diverting the argument away from the intended topic and into the immediate provocation. Don’t worry, women always have a long list of pending topics to argue about and it takes very little to divert them from the main topic at hand, to well down the list to your minor faults.
2) Myth : Women Are Better At Bargaining Than Men.
Fact: This only applies when the seller or shopkeeper is a man too. And that’s because women get down to the level of the shopkeeper to bargain while we men always bargain in a stand-offish way. We never squat or bend or distract the attention of the shopkeeper in any way while bargaining. In this women have a natural advantage for very few men learn the fine art of bargaining and how to clinch a bargain with a little cleavage show on display. Unless the man has some man-boobs too. In that case both are on equal ground and it simply requires stamina to wear the shopkeeper down. In the rare occasion of a female seller, turning on a little charm (from the reserves of your abundant charisma) and a leering smile has them offering bargains you never dreamed of (in fear of being hit-on or stalked?). Job done.
3) Myth: Women Are Better At Multi-Tasking.
Fact : Really? What makes you think that? Definition of Multi-tasking: Doing more than one task at a time. Oh we agree that women work at the office, work at home, take care of the husband, the kids etc. but is that strictly multi-tasking? its all uni-tasking done simultaneously. For true multi-tasking think like a man. wake up with a hard-on, brush, shave, and work hard all day with a hard-on and then you can learn what true multi-tasking is. When you are mind is always on something else, even carrying on routine chores become multi-tasking. And all men do this every single day without boasting of being accomplished multi-taskers.
4) Myth: Women Are Better At Showing Affection
Fact: women are better at DISPLAYING affection; not in showing it. Two men, when they meet can show more affection in single syllables than two women with pages and pages of emotion-filled dialogues. If you have ever seen two guys talk, the first greeting, that single "Dei" speaks volumes in guy talk. But that’s the secret of the bro code and i cannot in good faith explain trade secrets anymore. Plus men never have the irrepressible urge to dress up women in the name of affection. Women have a natural inclination to dress up men like they are a Barbie play doll or something. This even extends to being forced to wear long sleeved shirts in madras summer or to buying totally tacky checked shirts, just because Simbu wore one in VTV and it looked good on him. If you want to imagine yourselves as Trisha and wear starched cotton saris all the year around please do , but why torture us into copying Simbu of all people?
(Editor – Ok; that’s totally off-track, suggest you return to topic)
5) Myth: Women Make Better Cooks.
Fact: That might be, but we men make better eaters and that evens out things. Have you ever seen women peck at the food they themselves cook? Makes you wonder why? And worry whether they still remember that last fight and have some grudge to get rid of. You can never eat at peace until the cook fills up their own plate substantially. Anything else is risking food-poisoning. And yet we men do it every single day at the risk of our lives. Don’t we deserve a pat on the back for that?
But this restriction to hearty eating only applies to self cooking. Take a woman out to dinner and watch her demolish ice cream after ice cream after ice cream with relish while you sip cold water with a still-gnawing stomach, because of your never-ending diet and curse your slow metabolism on your genes.
So those are the reasons we feel that men deserve to celebrate this day too- share it in a sense. And Women, ask yourself honestly, do you really think a single day is enough to celebrate as your own and do you really need the validation of men to do that? (Especially as most men who wish you that day will be closet-chauvinists who spout wishes in public and treat the women at home as dirt?). Take a call and celebrate the year through. More power to you. And before I forget - wish you a "Belated Happy Women’s Day" on Behalf of Audi Altem Partem.