The Desperate and The Doormat.
Love
is a beautiful emotion and falling in love is one of the most exciting things
which can happen in any person’s life. But. As you give love make sure that you receive love too. If the love you are giving is being taken for granted and
worse being completely unacknowledged and accepted as a matter of right, does
that seem right to you? What do you do when the love you are sharing is not
appreciated in the least and all you are left with is the feeling that you have
been completely taken advantage of?
I
would be the first one to argue that love is selfless and with true love you
can keep on giving. But there is also the little matter of personal dignity and
self pride (which is a far cry from ego). Everyone has a right to look into the
mirror and feel proud of themselves for they alone know their own stories and
struggles to reach where they are. But to have that struggle, that story, being
sublimated to the wants of another person- all the time- and not just once or
twice- then it becomes a matter for retrieving your persona from an uncaring recipient
of all your love largess.
Three
things define such relationships-
1.
You are constantly
playing second fiddle and putting your own happiness behind the other persons-
merely because you have a big heart which is accommodating all their whims and
fancies despite your personal dislikes,
2.
Secondly you
tend to take the longer view of the picture and don’t mind any immediate sacrifices
as you feel at some point or other this will not matter and they will
reciprocate in turn with time
3.
And finally you
spend all the time picking up their slack and making up credible excuses – to yourself
– explaining the other persons unkind treatment of you- despite the longest
rope you can possibly give them to realize their high handed dismissal of your legitimate
concerns.
I
agree that unconditional love is all about loving with all your heart unconditionally
and without any expectations in return. But a relationship is not unconditional-
it has its own set of rules and guides. Like every other human relationship,
love too requires sympathy, empathy, respect and value for all the
unconditional love you are pouring out there at the other person’s feet. If they
don ‘give anything back then all your sacrifices are in vain as they prove
themselves to be merely selfish in their pursuit of their own goals and it
becomes crystal clear that they are in it for what they can get out of you and
never ever change their behavior. Such parasitism is not love and clearly doesn't deserve the unconditional love we are talking about. Receiving unconditional
love is just as important as giving it otherwise that beautiful gesture turns
into disappointment, doubts and anger and most often sounds the death knell of
the relationship.
The
point about loving unconditionally is also doing the same for yourself- putting
your needs and wants at par with your loved ones. If they deserve all the
happiness they get from you- remember, you deserve no less. Your needs, wants
and desires are as important as theirs and you can’t be used and abused for the
sake of love. When you end up giving too much of yourself without the slightest
reciprocity – you feel drained of everything important in your life and it’s as
if you got the dementors kiss (the soul sucking one from harry potter?)
You
can give and give and give but ultimately you have to stop somewhere and point
out the obvious- that if you are a self respecting person- basic decency, courtesy
and selfless are all required part of a relationship on both sides. You deserve
to receive an equal part of the love and sacrifice you are putting out there
for the other person- if they don’t reciprocate it shows their unkind nature
and unsuitability for the kind of unconditional love we are talking about here.
I
am not talking about keeping score here- it doesn't matter a damn if they
reciprocate equally or not, but they do have to show some way to prove that
they are not egocentric. Its normal- you cant help but notice that you are giving
more and more and the are giving back less and less and that you are trying too
hard to just keep it going despite their uncaring. Does this imply that you are
the desperate one who will do anything just anything to keep it going rather
than face the truth, confront them and explain to them what you want them to do
about the things that hurt you?
So
it becomes desperately necessary to reevaluate such a relationship, to put yourself
first and stop being such a doormat. Remember it’s the desperate people who get
walked all over. Those who love themselves and are self confident and realize
that their own happiness comes second to none will take no BS- even if it’s from
a loved one. In the end it boils down to this if you have the slightest iota of
self pride and confidence in yourself it becomes the wisest course to walk out
of relationships which suck everything you give and give back nothing in
return. You, we, I, can do definitely better than such people, right friends?
