My Greatest Hits….Disastrous Proposals

My Greatest Hits….Disastrous Proposals.

When I talk about my Greatest Hits, please hold on before you think that I am a kind of star musician or performer talking about the greatest hits from his repertoire. For your information let me clarify that the hits I am talking about here are hits in a literal sense. Yes you got that right- I am talking about the number of times I have been left holding the bulb (an idiom from Tamil courtesy comedian goundamani) and been humiliated in both public and private whoever I proposed to a girl. So just for illustration purposes (I am great believer in show and tell technique) shall we take a close look at what happened the last time I tried to propose to a girl?

After much careful thought and after a deep examination of my heart I finally decided I am in love with this girl and wanted to tell it to her in person after taking her to watch a romantic movie and getting her in that receptive mood to accept my proposal - perfect planning right?.

So this is what happened when I tried to express my love like a Jane Austen character (proud Mr. Darcy) and say to my current crush the following words

But this is how I finally ended up expressing it – as awkwardly as possible.

So there I go, booking a nice romantic movie for my current crush, followed by an intimate romantic dinner where I am looking forward to propose and then what do I do?

I end up concentrating more on the food than on the girl and end up completely forgetting to propose till I say good bye and am on my way home when I suddenly remember “oh shit….damn, damn, damn, I got a brain freeze”

And then when I am with my crush I gaze lovingly at her face- cant tear my eyes off her and she goes and asks this

Seriously can you believe this of me…am I not still a child at heart?

So I finally get home ruing the missed chance and in an effort to make amends and try to do the right thing at least before the day is over and she goes off to sleep- I pick up the phone and try to call her and propose but what happens? My luck holds and she doesn’t pick up the phone at all

  

After spending the next half hour calling her repeatedly, and wondering where she went off to after she left me and then when the call finally connects and I hurriedly start explaining how much I love her and why I feel I deserve her, she goes like

And I am absolutely fazed like

So after this latest episode of getting my hopes crushed I understand that when it comes to love- love and me- we never mix- I am always getting hit like

And my brain keeps telling me this but does the stupid heart listen?

And so when I finally post this whole story on my blog (on Facebook and on twitter) - I am like

So from henceforth I am going to be like

So till now I have been thinking that I am like Joey Tribiani from Friends saying “how ya doing?” and hitting on women effortlessly

And now realize I am like Ross Geller- the one with ALL failed relationships and multiple divorces and who ends up his life being single despite being a good guy.

 And that is my sorry saga told in a palatable way….now go away and leave me alone

Cry Man Cry.....

(Disclaimer: this story happened in a galaxy, far, far away, a long, long, time ago...)

I happened to read recently this wonderful post by a fellow blogger Christopher @Chronicwriter about his heartbreak when he broke up with a girl and how he tried not to cry. Now this is a touchy subject for men. All men. As far as I know not one man in ten will be brave enough to talk about their heartbreaks in a public forum. It’s only done secretly in the middle of the night during a marathon drinking session with close buddies when the dam breaks and the tears start flowing copiously. It takes guts to write a blog post about it and put it online. Hats off to you Chris, you are a braver man than I am or ever were. You have shamed me indeed that I have never really talked about this issue on my blog. I have talked about my victories but never till now about my failures. Shining in the afterglow of a temporary courage (and before it evaporates) I am going to talk for the first time and hopefully for the last time, what it takes for a man to get over heartbreak in love.

We men, have this humongous ego which does not allow us to admit that we were wrong or were made fools off. Admitting to anyone else that our heart was broken by a mere girl almost never happens, because we consider it a sign of weakness. To admit to failure in love- even to ourselves is about the toughest thing in a man’s life. We simply refuse to do it. We would prefer to close our eyes and carry on as if it’s alright, nothings amiss and things will get back to normal. To face it, face the obvious truth, is beyond normal endurance and we try to dodge it as much as we can. Until events force us to. 

The girl who was always hanging around with us, suddenly becomes unavailable, invents excuse after excuse to avoid meeting us every week, invents an old friend from out of town who suddenly turns up and will stay just the one day in town and has to be taken to dinner, in order to beg off a movie the tickets for which were booked a week ago. I could go on and on and on… and finally comes the clincher. Your friends call and say “hi buddy, we are having a surprise birthday party for our close friend so-and-so at this restaurant and you need to get here immediately dude” And all innocent of why they are calling you so urgently, you go over there and see your girl with a new date, having an intimate romantic dinner at the restaurant. And then you finally get it. Only when you see it with your own eyes- the proof that the relationship is well and truly over and they have been avoiding you, just to avoid mentioning it in a honest way, that they have moved on from you. 

And you just pick up your mobile and dial her number and say “Hi! are you free? Can I come over to your house and pick you up and lets go somewhere?” and she says without a pause “Oh no, I can’t today, my mother is very sick, I have brought her to the hospital and we are waiting outside the doctor’s room to meet him. I am very scared and worried about my mother’s health”. And then you ask “you sure? Which hospital is it? Can I come over there to check on aunty?” and she says sweetly “oh thanks for your concern, but please don’t. Just not in the mood to socialize with anyone today. Maybe later” and finally you say “that’s a pity, for you look to be in a great socializing mood to me. Why don’t you turn to your left for a minute?” and when she turns over to look directly at you, you wave and smile and have the satisfaction of watching her face blanch white. And then leave the place with full closure, knowing it wasn’t you at fault.

Anyway whatever be the reason for the love failure, the impact is far more on the man because, because the man is supposed to be a brave heart and go around with no show of emotion. Pain is pain. It’s equally felt by men as by women. But men as said by Chris, don’t cry. We put on a brave face, boast that we will get even by getting a new one within the week and go home to lock the door, lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling. But still the tears won’t come. The pain, oh the pain will be unbearable, the heart will be ready to burst, it will keep pushing out of the ribcage trying to come out, a cold fever will be all over your body and you will start shivering, your mom will come put an hand on you and ask why are you covered with a blanket when you are sweating like this. But still the tears won’t come. They will be there, right up to the throat level, but an iron determination not to cry and look like a sissy will hold them back inside. 

And you know when they finally come? When your friends turn up at home, drag you to their hostel room, pour some beer inside you forcibly and then say “Forget that cheating bitch dude, she doesn’t deserve you, let go bro” and that’s when the tears come. And once the dam bursts it’s a regular cry-fest. You cry like your heart is going to burst. You cry and cry for being made a fool of, for wasting so much time on a worthless person and most of all for the loss of something beautiful- your trust and your love. For taking your heart and crushing it under their feet. That’s what hurts and that brings the tears out. 

But everything has an end. Every storm pours itself out. You pick up the pieces of your broken heart and get on with life, trusting to time, the great healer to take care of it. And soon, pretty soon you are back on the mend. But the sense of loss, of something beautiful will always be there. Till something new and wonderful comes to take its place in your heart. For life is all about hope. And love is the greatest hope of all mankind. We never know, never can we predict when the arrows of cupid will strike again. A look, a word, a chance meeting and suddenly the birds are fluttering in your heart again, the sky is filled with rainbows, the throat is dry despite drinking tons of water, the heart is leaping and doing jigs and we are back again in love. That’s men. We love and we love and we keep on loving till we die. No full stops for us.

(Pics Courtesy : Google Images )

What is it with the wrong types?

(Disclaimer: this Post is intended only for those above 18 years for it contains explicit language and incendiary ideas..read on only if you are 18+)

I am happy that I am back to my favourite genre after a long absence, where I try to break my head and mash the English language trying to explain the unexplainable- the workings of hidden human emotions and thought processes of men (and women). And even as I type this I feel a profound satisfaction that all though in  the interest of expanding my own knowledge and breaking my own boundaries, I have for the past dozen posts tried my hand at any and every genre, but the call of nature was too hard to ignore. I am back to where I belong and I believe that the contents of this post will better serve those who are looking for a little insight into the ways of hearts, of courtship and confusions and for the students of human nature. If you manage to understand this post – you are on the path to clarity. If not, don’t blame me- you are not ready yet for the wisdom this post offers to the discerning. Come back later when you are worth the knowledge. See? I can be pretentious too..

The basics of Desire:

So let’s start with my pet equation:

Desire = attraction/obstacle

i.e. desire is the end product of attraction divisible by obstacle and now I will explain why.

What is an attraction?

When we say we are attracted to someone what does that mean? That we desire them, right? So is attraction the same as desire? Not according to the experts, aka….me. An attraction is simply what you feel for a random moment, it is passing in nature and you may not feel the same attraction the next time you see the same person. To convert it into desire you need something more, maybe a better acquaintance, shared interests, opportunity of being thrown together constantly- especially in mixed company where you get the right ingredients to cook up something (for example in group trips/orientation camps) -with the challenging ebb and flow of personalities you get to experience in groups of opposite sex hanging out together where you can never be sure who is trying to pick up who (come on, can anyone really say who is looking at who in the dark environs of a nightspot/discotheque?) - with Role Playing (example- I am an innocent princess/I am a stud) and Misdirection’s being very common – (aka when you are hanging out in EA mall with the boy gang and your phone rings and you take one look at the screen showing the name Priya Mobile calling and then you say loudly to the guys around you in an exasperated tone- this Preethi,  she just wont leave me alone, that kinda thing) and what sub contexts you are missing out in the seemingly ordinary interplay of conversations between “We Are JUST Friends” who turn out later to have been deep in a relationship and which fact is broadcast only when they finally break up bitterly (and then post status messages on Facebook and Twitter damaging each other).

What is an obstacle?

If you ask the experts, what really makes sure that an ordinary everyday attraction is converted to fierce desire is an obstacle- any obstacle. There can be no desire without an obstacle- because in the absence of any obstacle- you already have (in your mind) the object of your desire or at least an easy means to attain it. Hence desire is in wanting only- something you don’t have now or can’t have right now. Because something else (or someone else) beyond your control is preventing you from obtaining who you want- that someone, most commonly is an existing boyfriend or even worse a previous boyfriend – broken affairs (how can you compete with a guy who is not there anymore to compete with you?) and their cold aftermaths are fierce attractions for most people I know- for it becomes a challenge to their manhood to prove that he is a better person and a more trustworthy person than the one who got away. Or at least that’s what guys tell girls, even if the real reason is the same reason as to  why men went to war against fortified castles. It’s there, it’s closed, it’s strong and it would be a real boost to the ego to break it open and plant your flag there as the victor. Most men don’t have the patience for siege warfare- its open assault with them, but women have all the patience in the world and know all the secret paths into the castle of a man’s heart. When once a woman makes up her mind about a man, it takes a very wise and very strong man to escape being involuntarily forced into falling in love, something most men realize only after the honeymoon phase, when it is too late to escape.

Is a taboo an obstacle?

The commonest obstacle everyone knows about is longing and anticipation of return longing of the object of desire. When you know that you cannot have the object of your desire immediately, even if there is no major obstacle in your path- the very fact that you are made to wait gives rise to what can be called an anticipatory pang of desire where imagination works overtime to create an uncontrollable longing for immediate gratification and failure to do so is unbearably painful and maddening. This is what used to happen in the past- in arranged marriages-  during all those long engagement periods when men often tried to cross the boundaries with their betrothed (haven’t you seen Tamil movies of the 80’s?) - A major taboo in Indian weddings – and a hidden cause for quite a number of weddings being pre-poned hurriedly to the first Muhurtham available. But the modern era of the millennium children with its more indulgent eye for premarital sex between courting and engaged couples has eased this a little, but not much- for nature is nature and the very act of being prohibited from sampling the goods right now, even if you have only a temporary license for it is such a big turn on- that a large number of Beach Resorts on the ECR Road (and Mahabs) are making a good living out of the taboo of pre-marital sex between betrothed parties. If you prohibit anything- interest and desire for it is bound to arise- that’s basic psychology.

The Wrong Girl/Guy:

And speaking of obstacles there is one obstacle that is guaranteed 100% to convert a mild and passing attraction to a passionate and blind desire- and that is the ambivalence at first glance due to a suspicion of unsuitability of the girl or guy. When you are unsure in your own mind of the compatibility of the object of your attraction and you even look on that person with a little repugnance- then that creates an invisible barrier mentally inside you. You know in your heart of hearts that the person you are attracted to is totally your opposite, like say, you are a cheerful, easygoing, ever laughing, extrovert personality and the person you are attracted to is a moody, morose, depressive, introvert, a reserved with a major “R” type. They say opposites attract, and the fact is they do. Because when you abhor someone’s personality, you look down on them and theirpersonality, you feel that they are oh so wrong for you and anything you start with them is going to end in tragedy – the very fact that they are so wrong for you is such a big turn on, that once you overcome your repugnance for that particular person, you will go recklessly into the deepest, blindest desire for the person, regardless of the aftermath. This is how hearts get broken. When the adrenalin rush from danger and the thrill of chasing a total misfit triumphs over plain commonsense. You jump into it like jumping off a cliff knowing you don’t have parachute and yet enjoying the rush of flying free in the air for the few moments till you get killed. But while it lasts there is nothing to beat that feeling of flying free.

So is that "IT" with Bad Girls?

Yes, bad girls are major turn on’s for good guys and vice versa. Tell someone he can’t have that particular girl and suddenly he can’t wait to have her. And if the person telling you “no” is your own brain then your heart rebels even against it. It wants nothing more than what your brain “Veto’s”. And even commonsense is for sometime defeated in the pangs of unrequited desire. But once you make the connection, once you feel that you have achieved the impossible and attained that person, what happens? You wake up and smell the coffee. It’s as if you are coming out of a trance, the parts of your brain which had been shut down due to lack of blood flow start functioning again, and your brain starts telling you “I told you so” sometimes it’s too late and the couple are already hitched in matrimony, but often the wakeup call comes as soon as the first flush of success disappears. Then people wake up and decide that they would rather go through a temporary heartbreak than end up in permanent misery knowingly and a bitter break up follows.

Any Available Remedies?

It’s quite simple, attraction is powerful, desire is all powerful, but neither is a prerequisite for peace of mind. If you find yourself being attracted to a totally opposite type resist. Bad girls are not bad- they are just bad for you, for your long lasting happiness, beyond the initial attraction... Find someone who is as close as possible to you in temperament and personality (not contradictory but complimentary personalities)- that’s the secret behind all successful relationships. The happy with the happy and the miserable with the miserable. They deserve each other. Let them be.

So my Conclusion is simply this….when it comes to matters of the heart, nothing is predictable. People fall for the weirdest partners ever, but they make a success of it because they chose to overlook the weirdness for the parts they like…and only people who are mature enough to separate the wanted and unwanted and weigh them in balance before deciding lead a long happy life. The other kind who rush out of pure animal magnetism and adrenalin kick, soon find themselves nursing broken hearts and wondering why. Choose carefully, take your time but once in – OVERLOOK- that’s the secret to success in relationships..

(P.s. Pics courtesy Google Images)