Giving
Grudgingly.....Are you a Karnan or a Kuselan?
Anyone who is familiar with Indian
mythology would know the story of King Sibi who cut out a pound of his own
flesh for a starving bird. And the story of King Karna who famously said that
what the right hand gives the left hand should not know- rule only applying to
alms and donations. But that was then. Now, most of us make sure that not only
do we give publicly, we also make sure that everyone around knows that we give,
whatever we give.
My very first job as an assistant
at a hospital (in Perambur) was under a doctor who followed the above principle
very carefully. Anything he gave away, be it as small as a pencil, he made sure
carried his name on it, lovingly engraved as "donated by so-and-so".
In fact, that was the point of his donation as he wanted to gain publicity
among his fellow rotary club members and round table club members. If it hadn’t
been that some kind of charity was required for his advancement in social
standing in these clubs, he wouldn't have donated a single paisa. The gentleman
finally had his hearts pleasure of becoming the chairman of the local rotary
branch, when he promptly ceased making any personal donations and started doing
all his philanthropic works using the club funds (legitimately) collected for
that purpose- a win, win situation all around.
Now, if you think that i quoted
the above example out of grudge at my former boss- you are wrong- we parted
amicably when my apprentice time was up and we have still stayed in touch
sporadically over the years. And that despite his initial test for my honesty,
when during my first day at the job, he randomly sprinkled money in a few
places in the clinic and watched me secretly (along with the nurses) to see if I
picked them up and handed them all to him or if i was tempted to steal. With
such an initiation ceremony was i welcomed into my new (and first job) and I
did prove my honesty to him but was also pissed off at the test but waited till
I had learned everything useful I could from him before showing him the finger
and exiting on my own terms. That’s a story for a different day and let’s
return to the premise of this blog post.
So what the puranas teach us is to
give without holding back and if you cant give like that, don’t give rather
than give grudgingly. But how many of us follow this rule? Many people are
guilty of giving for their own sakes to assuage some secret guilt rather than
give selflessly. And that’s the reason why the hundi at Tirupati (and many
other temples) is always over flowing - because evil men who defraud their
fellow human beings try to buy their salvation (Punyam) by trying to bribe God
himself. Those who pour such vast amounts as donations to temples are the same
ones who grudge what little they give to the others around them- their
employees, their customers and the general public.
Sometimes we cannot afford to give
to others when our own needs are wanting. But the Bible says that’s the best
time to give- to give out of our need rather than to give out of our excess.
Have you ever done so? And not regretted it? If so, I raise my hat to you. For I
haven’t. I still feel a little reluctance at my giving off my need. To put
things in perspective let’s see a brief introduction to the economics of the
health care profession.
The month of May is usually a lean
month to doctors everywhere. Most prospective patients are away on vacations
and even the ones who are not, are saving up their money for their upcoming
vacations and would rather not waste it on paying doctors fees, unless it’s an
unavoidable emergency. Also, if you factor in the kids, you can see that the
average man has to pay school fees for the upcoming academic year and buy
books, shoes, uniforms and all that. Hence any disease for which treatment can
be postponed is usually avoided for the next couple of months. Hence doctors
everywhere feel the pinch (of low to very low earnings) during the months of
May and June.
So in such a state of distrait
circumstance financially, i was sitting and calculating the amount of money I
had declined from patients for doing pro bono (charity) work over the past
month. For one reason or other, i had taken pity on these patients and had
declined my consultant fees entirely giving them the benefit of my time, skill
and care entirely freely - they still had to pay the other fees, for the
original doctor and hospital charges. The final amount came to quite a big
amount (by my low standards) and i am sorry to say, I regretted sacrificing it
when I clearly needed it to tide over a very lean month for me financially (i
am not yet reduced to asking for personal loans, so please don’t avoid my phone
calls). As i said it is easier to give when you have in excess, but tougher
when you need it yourself. And then I consoled myself with the self satisfied
thought that I had given away the money even when I needed it so I am like
Karna or Sibi or in that league.
I was actually filled with false
pride for a moment before reality brought me down. It wasn’t as if I had handed
it over from my own pocket. I clearly had never been in ownership of that
money- it had stayed with the patients and was their money from first to last.
So I wasn’t entitled to feel proud for something which had never belonged to me
in the first place. And whatever false pride i had felt at my own generosity
melted away and i was ashamed of myself- for patting myself on the back for an
undeserved deed.
And thats when i recalled the
original stories of Karna and Sibi - those guys didn’t give to others to feel
happy about giving. They gave without a second thought. And they certainly didn’t
give grudgingly and grumble later about the loss of it- like I did. It’s better
not to give at all rather than give like that. People like me are a far cry
from the high standards of our forefathers.
So I finally came to the
conclusion that I had been a fool- I should either have declined to do free
cases on a needy month or once done I should not have counted the money i didn’t
get (in the first place) as part of my charity efforts for the month. All I did
was creative accounting and not real charity. I gave grudgingly (regretting it)
and so it didn’t count at all. If I am going to regret it later, then i better
not give at all, just to experience the false satisfaction of saying that i too
do charity work.
I think i have learned my lesson
from this. So, have you?
