An Impossible Situation

How do you add insult to injury? Well I was at the recieving end of one of those recently when I was handed over an invite to a very posh, very exclusive pool-side party and advised to turn up with a date. For one thing, I don't (not for anytime in the recent past) have a girl-friend and I wouldn't recognize a date if I tripped over one and fell on it. And for another, the offending party who thought he was doing me a good turn (he was after all a close childhood buddy turned fashion designer turned entrepeneur) - politely mentioned that I fit their average profile for the party guests - meaning he assumed I was a High Flying, High living debonair bon vivant (what a pity) and hoped that I and my date for the evening whoever she might be will be well pleased with his hospitality (anymore of this sugary speech- and I'd have diabetes) and that kick-started my Mission Impossible - to hook up with someone before Saturday night - in 3 days time. So, like Tom Cruise, I kicked off in high tempo - I made a list of the girls who would fit in a posh set-up and more importantly who'd be willing to do a one-off with me. By the time I'd eliminated all the impossible and the mad hatter types (the ones who would go anywhere if offered free food), I was left with one possibility only but I didn't dare call her up and remind her again of my existence which for the sake of peace all around it was best that status-quo remain between us. So in desperation , I hung around the RMO's office in the morning during attendance time to Suspect-Profile like the FBI does - to identify potential victims who could be tempted to fall for me. Having failed miserably even in that, by now I was getting so desperate (only 48 hrs left, only 24 hours left), I even, Oh My God, started a conversation with the girl working out at the treadmill beside me on the gym - a nice north-east type. Halfway through it hit me - that I really was sinking in to the pits - and then and there I decided to go out there like a man (without a date) and take it on the chin.

Saturday seemed to hurry up and I was still unable to take a final decision. But I steeled myself and went over anyway. Crossing that threshold, the official red carpet laid out in all pomp-  expecting to be laughed at (for being alone and with no one hanging off the arm like the others) and possibly  to be-shamed off the premises was one of the bravest things I'd done in recent times. And you know what - when I really got over my embarrassment and that humiliated feeling one gets in attending a party without a date - I really enjoyed myself looking around. The party Sucked, Majorly, as the DJ was just playing some soft romantic tracks. All the couples were drifting into the corners for a little tete-a-tete, some smooching, peting, hugging and as the night developed some major body-on-body action. No one hit the dance floor for they had plenty of dark corners around for everyone and no one, even fell into the pool. For a poolside party - thats a "Major catastrophe" - especially when there was no wet T-shirt games. Someone introduced me to a short dumpy woman standing off in a corner (munching something all alone) and said she was a tamil film actress called Sneha and I politely (with as indifferent a look as i can manage- for she really looked plain in real life) said hi!! to her and asked her if she recognized me and wanted my autograph - I mean we are from different worlds and i was enjoying playing up to the gallery and making a fool of that person, because of the way she looked at me, as if i was the local version of bill gates or atleast anil ambani (round one for me). All in all, I wasn't regretting this chance to act out my fantasies and see life on the other side as one of the inside group and the lesson I learnt from this is to have a social life you need to be prepared to take the minor embarassment's in your stride and nothing is as bad as it seems at first. And oh yeah, it helps to have a steady girlfriend if you wanna do this regularly....

Danny Ocean's Gang of 13 and the Pirates of Disneyland

Well, I happened to do a double whammy movie watching recently when I visited Satyam Theatre for consecutive shows at 12:30 and 3:30 to see what all the build-up was about - The movie Oceans 13 & Pirates of the C - at Worlds end -Part 3 which are both vaguely interconnected movies - The Ocean comes in both right?

I have long been a great fan of the Ocean's 11 series - I mean Gentleman Thieves do have a certain attraction to lazy bums don't they? In adddition, these cons don't hit the average guy, they just take out richer and more despicable crooks. The latest addition to the series has all the razzledazzle of the series - great one-liners, suave Clooney, ingenious plans, good time-pass for the money - BUT, and this is a big but, I don't know whether I'd watch it again and again, like I did the first one. I think not - for this one lacks a certain something there was in the first edition, it lacks emotional connect - heart (is it the absence of an heroine?) I mean, remember Rambo? Those tag lines which went "First time was personal, second for the country, third for a friend"? Now Oceans 11 is based on the same - First time it was Personal, and how personal, it was literally a fight for Julia Roberts stolen from George Clooney and it made us root for the little guy with his brains and his buddies up against the rich bully. The second was so, so - not quite believable, but not this slick. The third for all its fast moving screenplay simply fails to build up that pressure and anticipation in the audience - heck, these Guy's are Ocean's Men - they can sure pull it off, can't they? And Al Pacino does a great job -as the oh so real, fall guy, who literally forces the audience to sympathize with his bewildered life. All in all, a good way to pass an empty afternoon - but I wont be joining the fan club based on this.

My next movie - was about the other Ocean - the big blue one. Pirates of the Caribbean - At World's End has one astonishing scene where Captain Jack Sparrow played by Johnny Depp, forces the crew of the Black Pearl to try and rock their ship enough to capsize it - without alerting them to what he is aiming for. Other than that, the rest of the movie wasn't up to the hype - even when compared to a far better 2nd part - where every appearance of the Kraken on-screen led to a palpable tension in the audience watching the movie. This part doen't have that grip on the pulse of the audience - a weak villain compared to the Kraken (come on who's afraid of the Big Bad East India Company compared to an indesctructible monster?) - except maybe at the very end when Will Turner is stabbed by that despicable fish-face. Orlando Bloom in a fine understated performance - pulls the rug right out under Keira Knightley and Johnny Depp - both having heavy author backed roles. Johnny Depp did a far better role as the quavering Constable Ichabod Crane battling the Headless Horseman in Sleepy Hollow - a more believable persona than in this half crazy/ half gay role. Wonder why they don't revive that franchise?

Well, that was me, film fan and fanatic - trying to watch two movies on the same day without a break . And on the whole - a day not wasted i think...........

A Spammer in the Works

I am pleasantly surprised by the amount of mail I recieve in my various e-mail ID's. Previously , when we just had snail mail - my correspondence used to be pretty erratic and infrequent. But now I get to meet a lot of new friends and well-wishers who mail me so often- almost daily, that, I fear I am on their mind most of the day (and night).

There is this nice lady, from Holland (whose I.P. address I traced back) , who is a very frequent correspondent of mine and who is very particularly worried about my sex life. Almost everyday, she reminds me to "Enlarge my Reproductive Organ" and she is constantly worried about the length, or rather the lack of it. I am quite astounded at her solicitude and her anxiety to improve my till now non-existing sexual life and her ingenious ideas to better myself to offer "Full Satisfaction" (her words). Her constant worry about the size of my organ, even when I'm not myself worried about its current state, made me write a nice mail back to her, where, I enquired about her health and well-being, and then I expressed astonishment that "my size" was such a hot topic of interest in Holland and then , I enquired of her, (quite gently) the source of that false and malicious rumour suggesting that I was "ill-equipped" ( I included exact measurements in both metric and imperial measurements - cm's and inches) and I vouchsafed statistics to prove that far from being lacking I was right in the middle of the average Indian measurement curve, in other words, it wasn't time to start worrying yet....... She didn't reply to me for a couple of weeks after that mail. then one day she resumed the old correspondence with new offers of Viagra-Substitutes to help "ease my mind" . I absolutely fail to see the connection between peace of mind and intake of Sildenafil Citrate and I have written back to her asking for further details and more information on my peace of mind thing....

Then there is a nice gentleman from America who offers to get me loans from banks in the United States without any collateral. I was simply touched at his generosity - I mean our local Corporation bank branch where I have a small savings account (transferred from my Piggy-bank) refused to grant me a vehicle loan after much procrastination- they delayed the sanction so much and made me keep going back for umpteen visits, that I entirely dropped the idea of buying a vehicle and am quite satisfied with the public transport buses (PTC, hats off) and here was this gentleman offering to stand surety for me from America!!!! I wrote him back a nice letter with my appreciation of his offer and then I politely refused , by informing him that my conscience wouldn't stand it, if he were to sacrifice himself to help me enjoy luxuries which I don't miss at the moment and if I were ever to change my mind, he would be the first person , I would let know. He hasn't acknowledged my letter yet, busy man he must be, such a philanthropist...

This is the power of the Internet - when they say that it empowers people all-over this is what they must mean.. You not only get to meet a lot of new friends sitting at home - you also gain so much new knowlegde of things happening all around you. It just requires you to be courteous enough to reply immediately..... Welcome to Web 2.0 - where the world worries about you and offers you unsolicited help..