My No-Bull Prize Plan...Kal ho Naa ho

The Nobel prizes for this year have been announced and I am majorly, majorly, disappointed with the selection committee for failing to recognize my work this year and not offering me one or two of those trophies. I had even warned my mother when I went out last week to accept any courier parcel that I get from Sweden and to pay the cash on delivery as I was expecting at least the Peace Prize to be given to me this year. But that is the way of this world; genius is not recognized in their lifetimes. Anyway past is past, no use crying over spilt milk. So I have decided to intensify my efforts to win the Noble Prize next year, a clean sweep in all categories, by the following path-breaking research projects I am now pursuing for the benefits of science...

The Nobel Physics Prize:

My incredible work in Quantum Physics and String theory is a sure shot shoo-in for next year’s Nobel Prize in Physics. I am currently researching the incredible phenomenon behind drinking a 3330ml can of Pepsi one day and waking up to find the very next day that your weight has increased by 990gms or one kilo-give or take a few milligrams. It’s theoretically impossible according to current laws of classical physics (as I explained to my friend Banu Gomes in a recent conversation on facebook) but the phenomenon does occur with startling regularity for it to be anything but natural. The only other possible explanation is by the use of the Multi-verse concept. Somewhere in other universes (two of them at least) other people are drinking the same Pepsi at the same time and those buggers are passing off their calories to us- in this universe. While they remain unaffected we end up showing the effects of the accumulated calories of all three universes. Because no one has investigated this phenomenon till now, those criminals have been able to get away with it. But not anymore. The best scientific mind on this planet (I blush to say it myself, but the truth is truth) is now on it and as soon as i find out the loophole in the physics theory that I am searching for carefully (in borrowed physics textbooks of my 8^th std neighbour), I will make sure that all the calories we eat here are passed off to some other poor bugger on some other universe. That way we can all eat what we want and still stay slim and svelte. Now if this doesn’t deserve a Nobel Prize, I don’t know what does.

The Nobel Chemistry Prize

This is a cinch for me to win next year because I have an outstanding product under development which will blow all off you away- at least all humans with a x chromosome away. My patented product- GP's Kaala Cream or Darkness Cream for Men will guarantee absolute dark skin (including in all sensitive areas) within 7 days. You can go from fair to dark in one week, how’s that for an incredible invention? As Rani Mukherjee has recently discovered, south of the Vindhyas there are “Kaalas” and all women now want not goras but kaalas..i know it its incredibly unfair and racist for fair men to be sidelined like this, but who can explain women’s tastes? And as long as women want dark men, all men want to turn dark, there is always GP's Incredible Darkness Cream to turn you dark everywhere (I leave to your imagination where all). And it is scientifically safe too...field testing is currently going on in the arctic with my darkness cream turning polar bears into black bears, so it is certified safe and animal friendly by PETA too. So if this pioneering research doesn’t win me a Noble Prize, I guess the Nobel committee is sleeping on the job.

(P.S. For those not understanding the above scientific terms : the word Kaala means

1)In Hindi – Black,

2)In Swahilli- Monkey)

My Nobel Biology Prize:

The incredible research study I am now working on will have worldwide ramifications once I announce the results. The study involves the evolution of a new species unique to our country; a species which disproves Darwin by being a combination of two disparate genus united in one single species- the Nematodia Homo Sapien, also known as the Earthworm Man. This new and evolving species possesses all the external characteristics of the homo genus- outwardly human appearance (looks and walks like an economist/ prime minister and all) while the internal organs are of the nematoid genus- the characteristic lack of spinal cord as seen in earthworms which allows them to burrow deep inside the dirt and stay silent and safe away from predators. This incredible species, the only evolved specimen of which has now been discovered in the race course road area, national capital region, New Delhi, is a closely guarded secret among the cutting edge anti-Darwinian biologists like me, who are all at a loss to explain how this survival of the not-fittest (for ten years) can be explained scientifically. As soon as we publish the results, you can expect an uproar in the scientific (and political worlds) and as controversies are a guarantee to win the Noble, I think its a cinch that the biology prize will also be mine.

The Nobel Peace Prize

The European Union has won this year’s Nobel Peace Prize. That doesn’t mean (I hope) that affirmative action guarantees Somalia is a sure shot winner for next year’s prize. If not my incredible work bringing peace between France and America should be appreciated and honored by the Nobel Committee. As everyone is aware, ever since the Iraq War, France and the United States have been in a undeclared cold war state- often dubbed the potato war in the popular press, over the naming and re-naming of the French Fries as Freedom Fries by the politicians of the Pentagon. Now before this erupts into full scale battle with the aircraft carrier De Gaulle launching fighter sorties over Washington DC and the Americans responding in kind by taking down the Eiffel Tower using Navy Seal Team 9 (led by Charlie Sheen) i intend to (gr)ease the situation. So come December I would be shuttling between Paris And Washington, trying to bring peace between those two warring peoples and proposing a common, lingua mutual for the potato fries, to be named as the “Chips”. That’s original and copyrighted by the way. Anyway, this should bring to a speedy conclusion the war between the stupid yanks and crazy frogs and err...win me the Nobel Peace Prize (and Nobel Food Prize if there is one).

The Nobel Literature Prize:

 One Final category I am competing in is for the literature prize, but I am not particular about it, as I am pretty sure this book will win me the Booker Prize be on the top of the bestseller list all year long and so on. So a little Nobel is not much to aspire for. Anyway my next magnum opus – The Incredible Adventures of Jalebi Bhabhi (movie rights sold to UTV motion pictures) is sure to make mega bucks in the JK Rowling league. So the next time you see me when I am driving by in my Lexus, wave at me and I will honk back at you.

That completes my possible categories for next year’s Nobel Prize as its not possible for me to even dream of winning the economics prize, not when I am up against that economic wizard Robert Vadra who turned 50 lakhs into 500 crores with barely a sweat. So this is your last chance Nobel committee, give me that prize (or prizes) or I am coming to Stockholm myself to take them away and believe me you don’t want to meet me in person- it won’t be swift, it won’t be smooth and you will not enjoy it. You are warned.