Sunday, February 3, 2013

How To Release A Tamil Film- A Step-By-Step Primer

How To Release A Tamil Film- A Step-By-Step Primer

Our film making starts at Chennai’s Burma Bazar to get a DVD of any Hollywood film -an international spy thriller like True Lies for instance. And you have the story ready for a kick-ass action film to be made in tamil. But Hollywood movies as such have lots of disadvantages- a lack of music, songs and dance which makes an even average storyline a mega grosser. So that’s our next step.

Again go to Ritchie Street and get the DVD copy of the Bollywood rip-off of the same movie with a catchy hindi title like “Ektha Tiger”. Repeated viewings helps you to localise content for native audiences- like for instance how many songs you need to add and where to insert the songs in the movie- before the fight/after the fight or in the middle of the fight.

Now take your screenplay to a comedy writer like crazy mohan and ask him to add some comedy scenes with fast moving give and take lines. Alternately you can  include some double meaning jokes involving female body parts and sexual innuendos and call it humor.

To add punch to the script, sprinkle a few punch-dialogues here and there like: you can ban me, but you cannot ban my fan. One blow from me and you will remember your past lives. Whoever beats you that your head turns and you faint, that is me. Etc....depending on your creativity and how far you want to punch with dialogues.
If the script still seems to lack that extra something- go to a previously popular, now  out-of-market actress and book for a raunchy “Item” song. Extra rates depending on amount of cleavage showing and playing with belly buttons.

Now script is ready and its time to go for casting. Go to Mumbai and select a Rajasthani/Punjabi kudi with a fair complexion. Make her wear a traditional tamilian half sari and pass her off as a typical tamil village belle. Except for dream songs, where she can frolic in beach wear/bikini and justify her signing amount.

Hero can be of any age, height or colour (as long as he bears the production expenses) and he will wear checked shirts and torn jeans and go to college (always) carrying a single 80pages notebook all through college life. The hero's friend’s gang will be of an average age of 60+ but still be college students also.

Make hero rag, eave tease, harass the heroine continuously until she declares her love for him in front of the whole college including the principal who will suddenly start clapping and talk about his unfulfilled love for a female lecturer. Have group dance of all college students of all departments and sections- united by love. Give break/interval for first half.

Shoot half the movie – typically the second half of the movie in picturesque locales Namibia, China, New Zealand and show it as a typical Tamil village with huts and bullock carts and caste fights with sickles. Have blood soaked climax where hero and heroine gaze into each other’s eyes after finishing off the villains- typically all adult males/rest of the village.

Lean back and enjoy the massive success of a super hit film.

Oh wait, you are asking why I said how to release a movie and didn’t say anything about releasing?

Come on, once you sell the movie for a mega price- all areas A,B,C- to distributors – its their headache to release the movie. Unless you are greedy enough to retain the distribution for yourself- in that case you are nuts and totally screwed.

Post Script: Three months later announce you are going to remake this in Hindi, Telugu, Malayalam, Kannada, Bhojpuri and watch as your producer urgently releases (overnight) the dubbed version of the movie in all languages. Complain about your copyright infringement and intellectual property theft in all TV channels and demand protection/compensation. Also announce that you are working on an international collaboration of the same movie in Hollywood starring Sean Connery or Harrison Ford as the college student/hero. Have your name trend as a meme online with the hash tag #indias only international class film maker. Laugh all the way to the bank.

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